my life the joke

2009-10-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

call upon the name of the Lord and be saved!

God is looking for you now.. will you let Him pick you up and carry you THROUGH the storm?

THROUGH because only after you go through the storm will you see that God is good and God will protect you and that God LOVES you.. only after you go through the storm will you be able to see that you CAN put ALL your faith in God and He does NOT judge you.. He loves you

so much so that He died on the CROSS to save you and give you eternal life

yes GIVE

its a gift.. and all you have to do to recievethat gift is to believe..

call upon the name of the Lord and be saved!

the end of the hiatius

2009-10-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

ok.. so after such a long hiatius, its finally back to the writing for me..well the typing..the blogging.. yea u get what i mean

ok truth be told.. i never wanted to continue posting on this blog anymore.. or any other blogs for that matter.. but today my mind was changed thanks to the exceptional posts by the members of oak on the oak blog!

now lets not take anything away from the people that posted.. but what i realised that the blog can be used to really encourage people.. and i guess thats what i wana try doing.. now in any case.. and im truely encoraged by what was written on the oak blog..

but back and down to business.. the reason for this post.. well you know.. im definate that no one actually bothers to check and read his blog anymore.. but just in case anyone does. i shall post about sth very close to my heart right now..the coming church camp..

now before any1 of us starts to get the wrong idea that i am only excited about the camp because i am the one in charge of co-ordinating this camp, think again.. i am excited about this camp because i know in my heart that God wants to meet people in this camp.. SO.. lets begin shall we?

'set apart' - the theme of the camp itself is something that is in itself already very close to me and my heart.. why? because it was with these very words that God called me into full time ministry.. yes for those of you who still have no idea.. yes i am called into full time ministry.. i know in my heart that i am.. but that is a side point.. being set apart.. what does that really mean? does it mean to be "saved" or to be put aside for a later date.. stored in that sense for a time in which it is fitting? but does being set apart mean when it comes to our lives?

when we set apart something in our everyday lives.. we always always always set apart the best.. why? because we like it.. we treasure what we set apart, it is so precious that only in the most special of occasions will we use it.. or only when we have the most important of guests will we bring them out and share them with our guests.. correct? in the same way, God is callin us to be set apart, He is calling the best to be set apart.. now dont get me wrong.. i am not saying that we are the best and everything because many of us will instantly dis-agree that we are not the best.. just take a look at our flaws, our mistakes and or lives and we will immediately see that we are not the best when it comes to many things.. but get this.. we are all called to be set apart! but wait! didnt i say we are called to be set apart, then at the same time say we are not the best because of our flaws and mistakes and all.. so why then are we called to be set apart if we are not the best? the thing is people, that we ARE the best.. perhaps not the best at what we want to do.. but we definately are the best for the plan that God has for us.. God has the best plan in store for us! just imagine it this way.. when He created us, He looked at us and went.. "WOW! this person is absolutely Perfect for this plan i have!" now all we need is to heed His call and be set apart for Him!

what do i mean? what i mean is that.. there are people in your life that YOU can bring to God, that God has made you the perfect vessel to bring His word and His salvation to! because of who you are, where you are and the relationship you have with the person.. YOU are the perfect vessel for God to use to bring that person to Him! Perhaps because the person only feels comfortable talking to you? or perhaps because in the group of friends that this person has, you are probably the only one that can share God's glory and goodness to them? or perhaps its because this person looks up to you and the influence you have in their lives make you the perfect person to share the gospel with him/her? it could be ANY reason..but it all boils down to the fact that God has called you to be set apart for Him because YOU ARE THE BEST FOR THESE PEOPLE! and God loves everyone! and it is precisely because God loves everyone that He gives them the best! which is why He is calling you to be set apart for Him..so He can give the best to the people around you!

haha.. so much talk and i'm only just about 1/3 the way through of why im so excited about this camp..

the next reason why im so excited about this camp is really just due to the fact that through my prayers, God has told me that He wants to meet many people during this camp. that He has a plan for this camp and that this camp will be a life changing camp for the people that go for it.. but He says that it doesnt have to stop there! it can change the lives of the people that dont go for the camp either! i firmly believe after today's prayer that He doesnt want the life changing to stop at just those who go for the camp.. but that those who go for the camp will go out and impact the people around them! those who come for the camp will spread the fire to those of us that do not go for the camp! i believe firmly that God has called many of us to meet Him.. now all that it takes is for us to step out in faith and approach Him.

so i really urge you all, that when you go for the camp, that you will really make an effort to learn what God is trying to tell you, that during the quiet times that you have, yes fellowship with one another, fellowship with each other but also, remember to take time to sit at the feet of God and allow Him to speak to you.. to speak of things that He has in mind especially and only for you! can you imagine how exciting it is? that God, the creator of the universe and the one who created you, gave you life and breath has plans that He only wants YOU to hear! that He invites specifically YOU to take part in because YOU are perfect for those plans! wow! i really am so excited for each and every one of the campers that are going for the camp.. because God has indeed chosen to want to meet with you.. now all that is left is for us to want to meet Him too! We have to allow God to meet us, because God will never force His will on us and will never force us to do what He wants us to do..He wants to meet us, but He only can if we want to meet Him as well! in fact He promises to meet us if we want to meet Him!

Jeremiah 29:13 - You shall seek me and you shall find me when you seek with all your heart

Deuteronomy 4:29 - But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Acts 17:26-27 - From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. (God wants us to seek Him!)

and God always keeps His promises!
Joshua 23:14 - Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.

God will meet us.. God WANTS to meet us, it is only now up to us to meet Him!

the final reason is simply.. prayer.. ive been praying so much for everyone, for everyone to go for camp.. because the more people that go for camp, the more people that God can meet! im really so excited about this because, this is not only the start of something big! it is the start of somethig deep in the lives of the people! prayer has to be one of the very foundations of our faith and it is through prayer and my quiet time that i have learnt so many things about God and His plans for me! prayer is a reason for me to be excited because i believe that through prayer many things can be done! through prayer, God can start to stir in the hearts of people! that God hears our prayers and God answers our prayers! do you have someone you want to come for camp? PRAY! and ask God to allow them to come.. ask God to stir in their hearts the desire to come! do you know someone who is coming for camp that needs a fresh touch from God? PRAY! ask God to meet them in the camp and move powerfully in their lives, that their lives will be changed! we want to see a breakthrough! yes we all agree that we want to see a breakthrough! but i firmly believe that it has to start on our knees! we have to take the stand for the people we care about by praying! want to see a breakthrough in YOUR life? pray! ask God to start preparing you for the camp.. to prepare you spiritually, to enable you to be sensitive to His whispers and His voice! PRAY! ask God to touch your friends! i do not want ANYONE to be left behind! i want everyone to be changed! i want everyone to experience the touch of God, but i dont want that touch to be just a feeling.. just spritual high and we get satisfied by it.. no.. i want that touch to be the touch that changes us.. changes our lives.. and the touch that brings us to our knees in repentence, where we know that we are not doing enough, where we know that we do not have enough of God in our lives. where we know that we are not satisfied with how much of our lives are not being used for God! i want that for each and every one of us.. i want us to only be satisfied when we give our ALL to God! 100%.. thats what i want for each and every one of you.. yes you.. the person reading this right now.. my target for this camp is YOU

will YOU be set apart?

back at last.

2009-04-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

well well, after a long hiatus here is finally a post, you know ive been thinking.. how can one truely say that he is satisfied in Christ and really mean it.. well heres my answer and part of my thought process..

many of us being in our teenage years look for relationships and stuff to fufill our desires for companionship, a desire to know that we are loved and can love someone in return, it almost gives us a sense of normalicy if you will. but u know i've been in a close relationship with God for the past 4 years plus since my breakup and you dont see me rushing off to get a girlfriend do you? not to say that i have not liked anyone. but rather, i find my peace and fufillment in Him who gives me strength, in Him who i share my life with and in Him who gives me peace. yes i know that alot of you will say that it is because in my extreme loser-dom i cant find myself a girlfriend or rather i cant "nab" the girl that i like but no, im strangely at peace with being single..

Jeremiah 29:13 - you will see Me and you will find Me when you seek with all your heart. here you have God's promise. if you seek Him and if you truthfully want Him to come into your life again, He will be there. and as for human companionship, Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. perhaps its time to first seek the Godly relationship with Him first yes?

you see its never easy. not even for me.. i have my times where i feel down and depressed and feel like God has deserted me, but the real truth is that He has never deserted me. He has always been there but i have turned my back on Him. Think of it this way, in Genesis God created the heavens and the earth right? well now think about the heavens, and the earth and the universe and all its galaxies and so forth.. now think about yourself, who you are.. arnt you but a speck of nothingness in that whole array and vastness of the universe? but yet what does it say in
Isiah 44:24?
This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb:
I am the LORD,
who has made all things,
who alone stretched out the heavens,
who spread out the earth by myself,

your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb doesnt this say something to you? you very well may not have been created by God, He could have easily dismissed the notion of forming you, but YET He forms you in the womb, He knows you by name, now why would God form a speck of nothingness and know it by name if He did not love it? God loves you and desires a relationship with YOU. lets start from there ok? its how i started again those years back.. back at the basics. and dont we all desire a true and real relationship? well the only reason why i have so much conviction and faith in what i say is because God sought me out when i was looking for Him too(again look at Jeremiah 29:13) in my walk with God i have learnt to trust in Him, to walk with Him and thus my experiences with Him are what gives me so much conviction and faith in Him in the first place.. and trust me because i speak from experience its kinda like how you inevitably always grow closer to your friends and make friends very quickly when ur thrown into an adventure camp or an adventrue trip, its because you have no choice but to trust in the people you are with, sometimes with your lives.. and thats how you get to know them better and thats how you trust them.. in the same way, in my experiences with God, i grew to not only trust Him but to listen to Him and to share my life with Him.. and you know what? i dont regret one bit seeking God out, not at all. because i can surely say this: in God, i have found a true relationship. i am satisfied with and in Him and even if i do not find a girlfriend or a wife to share the rest of my life with, i will be happy because God is the one that satisfies me. because He alone is sufficient for me. and i believe that, with all my heart.(yes people you heard it here first on my blog)

its not very hard to start, but once you do. its a great life.. dont get me wrong, it will not be easy at all.. and you will take time to allow Him to change you, you will not change overnight. but believe me when i say its all worth it. i feel its worth it.

ehh idiot..

2008-12-25T02:31:00.000-08:00

ehh jimmy you're damn screwed up la.. wth are you thinking man.. like seriously.. just because you feel that the girl wont ever like you it gives you the reason to go look for any other girl meh? wth do you think it says about you and your liking for rebecca? freak man.. you tell me that shes the one and all the bullshit and then as soon as you think she doesnt like you, you go and tell me that you're thinking of just finding someone else just so you can be in a relationship and not alone? heck man you're pathetic. everything you said about liking rebecca and how shes like the only one for you are just lies man.. really.. i feel damn disgusted.. honestly! freaking hell la.. all ur doing by ur actions is just telling me and everyone else that this girl that you've self proclaimed is the only girl for you is easily replaced by just any other girl.. freaking unfair to her la.. so much for "i'd do anything for her" the moment you think you dont stand a chance you jump ship. and its not like you have anyone else in mind.. you just freaking want to jump to "anyone" so you can fell wanted.. freaking pathetic.. freaking freaking pathetic.. im damn glad that rebecca didnt end up with you man.. to have a guy like that as a boyfriend would be the freaking worst curse that God could ever put on anyone.. shit man.. im too disgusted to say anything else.. you really deserve to be alone..

freak i cant believe people now a days.. im damn pissed off.. like wth la.. how can he just do that.. its like telling the world that his love has no value la.. and that the girl has no value in her entirety.. like wth man.. its damn wrong..i mean correct me if im wrong but after telling me all that stuff about how much he likes her and how he wants to take care of her.. and then suddenly out of the blue telling me that he think she doesnt like him and then wants to go with any other girl is damn pathetic la.. it just shows that his liking for that girl doesnt hold any truth in it la.. he's not even sad that he thinks she doesnt like him.. he just wants to feel in a relationship.. freak man.. its damn disgusting.. i would never do that.. its freaking unfair to the people involved la.. i would never do that man..not in a million years..its a damn disgusting thing to do.. he realli doesnt deserve anyone man.. freak

in other "news" im in a stay in course.. and thats about all i can say about the SAF course im in.. damn lame right? but rules are rules.. i've already been charged before so im not gona risk it again.. heh.. i hate stay in courses.. freak

i've got to stop cursing so much

crap

well at least thats better.. heh

cya all arnd

so there

2008-10-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

ok i shall now perform a very last ditch attempt in order to revive this blog as well as a small part of my sanity. seeing as to how the operations have gone successfully.. at least i think they did and that now my cast is off.. i guess i can safely say that i am extremly happy that i have once again regained full use of my arms and can now type as fast as i used to with even my eyes close.. its nice to now tht some things dont really chnge even after a long absence.. hahaha but that s not really the point.. you know i've really gotten to thinking these past few days.. ok fine i always think but the fact that im writing this down means that my option for outlets for thought is somewhat limited now.. i have so got to get myself a new stress book..

but let me share with you readers (however few of you that actually bother to visit this fastapproachingdeathofablog) what i've sorta been thinking of these past few days.. on the topic of relationships.. you know what really struck me? its this..why do people seek out a relationship with other people so much (lets call this for thought process' sake the human scale) but for some arcane and unbeknownst reason reject the idea of a relationship with God on a divine scale (again lets use divine scale for thought process' sake) and i started thinking why.. would not a meaningful relationship on the divine scale be so much better seeing as to how it would be a relationship with God and therefore a seemingly blessed and perfect relationship or at the very least better than a relationship between fallen beings like ourselves? but yet why do so many of us reject even the idea of having a relationship with God and dont even give it a chance? and for those of us who do give it a chance and have experienced what a wonderful thing it is, why do we so often turn back to longing for or going after human scale relationships that we know in our hearts and in our minds are bound to lead us into a downward spiral? dont get me wrong, im not talking about relationships where the couple loves each other and work hard to make things work..but even those can go wrong no matter how hard the couple tries. neither am i against people getting together, if they like each other and stuff.. i do however have a problem with either party getting together with the other not because its a relationship they want to invest their time in but because they think it would be "fun" or because everyone is already in a relationship n so i want to be in one or any other reason except that they really care about the other person and want to get to know the person on a much deeper level..

but with respect to why people choose the human scale over the divine scale, what im talking about is this.. why is it that so many of us, having the freedom to choose i.e. being told by others, encouraged by others and so on to spend more time with God and to really just be alive in Him just refuse to and choose instead the huma scale relationship? it breaks my heart sometimes to see them going their own way and not knowing that the greatest relationship they will ever have and need is right under their noses, just that they never chose to accept it.. perhaps its the uh.. reality of it all? ok im not sure how to phrase it but perhaps its because its not something that they can see or feel physically? its not something that they can hold or something that they can lose themselves in? or at least thats what they think.. anyone who has had or has a relationship on the divine scale will know what i mean when i say that the relationship is something very real and can be grasped and can be felt, albiet nt physically but there is undoubtedly something that is very deep and meaningful in the relationship. and u know what? some people reject it because they dont think it can be as meaningful as a relationship on he human scale. and everytime i think about it and about the people in jym that i know are rejecting that relationship.. it breaks my heart so badly.. i wish i could get them to experience it, i wish i could make them feel how great it is to be in that relationship.. but thats the exact thing i cannot do.. not because of anything but because, like in all relationships. the person has to make the conscious decision and willingly go into the relationship to see why and how great it really is. being forced into a relationship, even one that is good for you, i feel is not right. because i feel that the conscious choice to go into the relationship is the one important thing that makes it last.

but yet what about those who have been in a divine scale relationship but stopped for one reason or another? well i guess i can sorta relate to that as well.. because it has happened to me.. even after experiencing how great a relationship on the divine scale really is, i have drifted and i have taken my eyes off God.. now the question to be asked is why? and for me i guess it really is the distraction of everything that really goes on in our daily lives. school, exams, homework, work, army, our service in church (yes even this.. but thats another topic for another time) and especially that girl/guy that we are totally smitten by.. i guess thats the problem with us in the world, we'd much rather go for something we can physically see and touch rather than somthing that we can feel in another way? im not really sure how to put it but its like how a little kid thinks that water is more important than air because they can see and drink water but breathing comes so naturally to them? something like that..its not a very good analogy but the point im trying to put across is that water seem more impt because its something that can be drank, felt and seen but air is just there.. if there is no wind we cant feel it,we just breathe and in a sense take it for granted.. and in the same way God is always there.. and we cant see Him.. so many times we go for what can be seen, what can be heard. something like that.. it goes much deeper in my thought process but i shall spare you all the mind numbing and boring process of my thoughts. and as i said.. it has happened to me.

but the thing that really breaks my heart is this.. what of those who know that they should have a relationship of a divine scale but yet choose not to.. what of these people.. which im not afraid to but it breaks my heart to say that in JYM we have quite a number.. this is not any passive agressive crap im bringing here but you all know who you are..but it breaks my heart man.. the question here is this.. what do or will you do? what can I do? the only thing i can do is pray for them and try to move them in the right direction.. i wish there was more i could do though.. but ultimately i cant make them choose that relationship, the most i can do is pray, and take an interest in their lives let them see what God is doing through me.

the one thing that this whole thought process has led me to is this.. will i really be happy with anything other than a divine scale relationship? or to put it in a better way.. why am i looking for anything other than a divine scale relationship? will getting together with the girl i like really make me happy? will it really bring me happiness? i highly doubt so.. dont get me wrong.. i have nothing against getting into a relationship provided God tells me that the girl is for me.. after going through two very bad breakups i dont think i want another relationship that is not God centered. that being said, it doesnt mean and doesnt stop me frm liking someone now does it? of course it doesnt.. but at the risk of repeating myself, gettin together with that girl will not really make me happy now will it? besides, if i were to get together wit that girl knowing that God does not have her planned for me, i know that it can only end one way.. a break up where both sides get hurt.. now is that what i wish upon her? most definately not.. also, all the quarrels and all the stuff that we wld have to go through that will leave us even more bitter and all the pain that will come out of it.. i definately dont want that.. not for her anyway.. i'd much rather stay as a close friend to her than lose her friendship because of this.. bottom line is that i wont get into a relationship until God tells me to because its for the best.. and if i say i like this girl then i really shouldn't get into a relationship with her knowing that it will not work out.. haha not that i actually have a chance to get together with that girl in the first place anyway.. she doesn know i like her.. but thats besides the point.. im saying IF the situation ever arises i'll know what to do.. haha easy to say now.. we'll just see what happens IF it ever occurs.. haha well this ends my thought process on this issue.. and thus the beginning of the revival of my blog.. i hope

back once again

2008-07-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

ok so after a long time in camp and after countless time spent procrastinating i've finally decided to come back to blogging.. and as we all know lots have been going on in my life.. some of you know more of whats been going on in my life than others but thats a different story. now the basis of what has been going on as we all know is my expulsion from OCS, im not allowed to go very much into the details of the incident im afraid, you'll have to ask me personally if you want to find out. but in anycase i think i have quite abit to blog about today.. nevermind the fact that its been so long since i blogged and nevermind the fact that i feel quite down because of some other thing.. i have a lot to share about God's greatness and how much i really feel He is working in my life.

through this whole thing i realli learned many valuable lessons la.. and i really thank God for the support of many people.. to name a few Ryan, Kaimin, Denise, Nadine, Glenn, Pastor Henry, Caleb, Adrian and Amos (in no particular order) i believe that God sent people like them into my life at that point in time to help me through the whole thing. and if it wernt for them i really dont think i would have gotten through this situation the way i have. what i really want to say i guess is that even in such a situation, i believe that God's name can be glorified. and i really believe that even though i have done sth so wrong and stuff, God has indeed really brought me out of this in many more ways than i can imagine, this indeed has been my third point of surrender.

now for the part where i bring all the glory and honour to God, first let me say this, any change that has come out from me for the better is all the doing of the one true God, because no body else can ever change me, not in this way. i have been too prideful for too long, so much so that i have forgotten what it meant to really bring the honour and glory to God, what it really meant to worship Him. because for a good 3 months, worship to me meant just simply singing praises to Him and that was it, i forgot that the main reason why we worship is because we want to show everyone how much we love our God, the main reason why we worship is because we want to bring all glory and honour to God, worship to me is the outward expression of the innermost desire of my heart to glorify the one living God, and i forgot that. for a good 3 months, since i entered professional term in OCS. its funny how everything can change in a short period of 3 months, ever since i finished my service term in OCS, it gradually became not about God anymore. it became about me. it became about my pride and how i was able to do and go through OCS by myself..

i guess everything started because it came to a point where i realised that i would most likely make it.. i would most likely become an officer and in the end most likely have the pride of standing on that parade square on the 13th of september to be comissioned and to recieve that one black bar as a sign that i have passed the gruelling trauma of the OCC (officer cadet course) im not going to lie and say that it isnt painful and that it was really easy for me to accept. it wasnt, in fact it was so difficult for me to accept that i at one point was really angry with God. i mean if Caleb had just come with us this whole thing would never have happened, he would never allow it to. why didnt God just allow Caleb to come?

well i guess its because if Caleb did, than none of this would ever have happened, i would never go through my third point of surrender and never have been able to deal with my pride. not that its totally been dealt with but it has taken huge leaps ahead.. and for that i am thankful. if anything if this situation only served to deal with my pride, i am thankful. but it served to deal with so much more than that, it serves to help me learn so much more. and for that i am thankful. so thankful in fact that i am actually happy it happened.

the first thing this situation has helped me deal with is my pride, because after my service term, it no longer became about God, it became about me. it became about showing everyone that ever thought i would amount to nothing, that i could do something. it became about me showing and proving to all those parents that told their kids to stay away from me that they were wrong about me, they were wrong to judge me and they were wrong that i would never become anyone or do anything remotely good. can u see the pride in that? can you see how much pride there was? i could, and God helped me see it.. He helped me to understand that it was because of my pride, because i have taken my eyes away from Him. He took it all away because He knew that had i continued and became an officer i would have had so much pride. already i was turning my eyes away from Him when i was a cadet, what more an officer? He chose to take it away from me because He knew only a huge shock like this would make me wake up and deal with me. because He knew that nothing short of a huge shock like this would make me sit up and realise how much i need Him to increase and me to decrease. in my spiritual journal i wrote that at the end of the day i wanted to say that the bars on my shoulders could only have come from God, and i know that if i had continued and comissioned, i would never say that they came from God, i would have said they came from me and my hard work. thats why i am thankful for what happened. i am thankful that God helped me deal with my pride

the next thing that He made me learn is this, who do i really find my identity in? do i find my identity in being a cadet and then an officer? or do i find my identity in being a child of God? i want to find my identity in being a child of God and not my earthly achievements. again this ties down to pride, does it really mean that much to me that i become an officer? or does being a child of God that is forgiven by Him, taken by Him and molded by Him after going through this mean more to me? do i find my identity in Him more important than being an officer that everyone respects? or do i just want to be an officer so everyone can look at me and go "woah there's an officer, one of the leaders of the country" ? even then, respect isnt automatically earned by status, it is earned through actions. and i know that God has helped me through and helped me learn from this

another thing is simply to deal with the fact that i always cover up for other people.. heh this has probably got to be one of the things that has infuriated pastor Henry alot. for as long as i can remember i have always been covering up for others and yea. its not right la.. i guess God is trying to tell me that as well as show me that He does not tolerate sin. the means can never and should never be used to justify the ends. and that is a lesson that i have learnt albiet the hard way.

finally i know this whole thing was allowed to happen because it was to break me.. there is no room for pride in me if i really want God to work in me.. there is no room for me and my plans if i want God's plans in my life. this whole thing happened so that God can break me and mold me into the person that He wants me to be.. so that i could once again surrender who i am and what i am and what i want for my life to Him in exchange for who He wants me to be and what He wants me to be and His best plans for my life.. and that i believe is what i truely want.. i guess if i really believe that He wants me to go into full time, i definately have to learn how to submit all i am and all i have to Him.. as well as the fact that there isnt any room for my pride if i am going to serve Him full time now is there??

anyway im just glad that He helped pull me through la.. the last thing i am thankful for is that i know now how many people do support me.. even some i didnt think would in the first place, so many people that cared and so many people that actually helped in one way or another.. all those who prayed and all those who msged and everything.. it really helped me to see that God has put many people in my life that care for me. im thankful to know that the people in church dont judge me for what i did even though i already did it .. thank you all

aite im off.. peace out

back for awhile

2008-04-27T04:13:00.000-07:00

ok.. so in this short perio of time im just gona do a slight bit of blogging.. today was a good day.. sundays usually are.. but very much so today because alot of good things happened.. and well the last week may have been really tough because of the training...but today just made the whole week a good week.. thats how good today was.. it turned a horrible week into a good one in the course of one day..

anyway just a little update to the people that actually bother to read this blog even though its been almost an eternity since i blogged.. this blog is not dead.. and the 24/7 prayer thing had during easter week was magnificent.. i really was able to settle alot of things with God.. and He was able to teach me a whole bunch.. helped me deal with a great big thing called jealousy as well.. thats something i will always thank Him for! =) aite i dont have much more time so... gotta go..

re-inventing the wheel

2008-02-02T09:57:00.000-08:00

been really busy in OCS lately so i probably wont be posting here.. heh all my posting and blogging efforts will for now be given to my spiritual journal blog.. the blog where i share and type word for word (almost) what i write in my own spiritual journal..

URL : www.thespiritualjournal.blogspot.com

yes i know its a cheesy URL but its the best i could do since i decided to start it like 3 weeks or so ago..i only did post once tho.. but in anycase.. feel free to tag there.. and if you guys dont agree with what i write there.. well tell me and everything.. i'd be glad to sit down and talk to you about why i feel and wrote what i did.. heh..

ooook...

2007-12-22T02:42:00.000-08:00

aite i shall now attempt the near futile feat of trying to blog about BMT and camp at one go.. i hope this works but if it doesnt.. tell my parents i love them and tell them i tried.. something like that.. yea.. anyway.. i was called into ZULU platoon 3 on the 15th of october.. yes i know its a heck a long time ago but bear with me will you.. now shut it until i finish this long post.. well actually u can only tag half way reading this post and in anycase i wont see it until God knows when so its in that sense you shutting it until i read ur tag and i'll just presume you read the whole post anyway so i still win! (hah!) but i digress.. apologies for the long winded-ness but my brain is currently on verbal diahorrea mode so anything it thinks about gets splattered on this excuse for a blog.

anyway i love my platoon.. i believe that the spirit was there.. be it helping each other push onwards when the going got tough or anything else.. the platoon remained together.. like all people we had our fair share of fights an everything but i think that in the end everything went well.. especially when it came down to us vs he other platoons.. but u know what it didnt come down to that much either so im thankful..

aite of course i went into the whole BMT life unhappy.. i mean wouldnt you be if u had like such short notice?! but yea i guess it was all fine in the end.. im actually glad i went in when i did.. cos only then could i see God's hand and His blessing in my life.. aite.. instead of doing the usual chronological order of things and such, im going to do it by events / lessons / activities we went through.. in other words im too lazy to work my immense amount of brain cells to start remembering the whole chronological order and start blogging about it and so on.. in other words im taking the easy way out.. and in any case i thought this way would be more intresting.. as you can see im still making up excuses as to why im goin to type it this way and yes i know im long winded but ur the one reading this so i dont really care.. MUAHAHAHAHA! and also in anycase its easier for me to share my thoughts on the activities when i d it this way so here goes..

ok the first event we shall talk about is confinement..
confinement- the event in which most army recruits go through i say most cos some lucky ass recruits get public holidays in btw their confinements and as a result get to go home.. lucky people.. but i guess its a blessng and a curse la.. for ZULU (garang as ever) our confinement was like what 18 days! damn long la.. i heard that in some other platoon the people there were going crazy with frustration.. heh.. they say that field camp brings out the worst in people.. just try 18 days of confinement.. and whats the worst of all of it... spending your birthday in tekong DURING confinement! now that one was bad.. u have no idea what kind of irritation was going through my head the morning i woke up.. i was like urgh.. of all days it as to be my birthday.. and blah de blah de blah (insert whineing and grumbling as you see fit) but at least in confinement it wasnt as siong as the rest of BMT dicipline wise.. so i guess it balanced out abit.. and having platoon mates that surprised me and gerrad (who also has the same birthday as me) helped alot.. overall confinement wasnt all that bad..

siongness rating (only because zulu garang and it was 18 days) 6/10

next up 5BX
5BX - also known as 5Basix eXercises or to some.. 5 bo liao exercises is what all recruits do at the start of most days consisting of jumping jacks, alt leg raises(latr changed to high jumper), burpies (later changed to squat bender) , push ups and crunches in (normally) 5 counts of 4 each followed by a run. now its supposed to warm up your body in anticipation for the day's activities or at least keep you reasonably fit throughout your bmt life. to me i think its just to wake you up from the shock of having to wake up at 530 in the morning.. sheesh.. but that was during the first 2 days.. when we did it in PT kit.. suddenly.. one ay we were asked to report down in our vest slacks (camo pants, -->boots<--heavy! and t-shirt) and do 5bx with a run thats about 1.2km long.. all of a sudden.. 5bx no longer became bo-liao exercises it became butt busting exercising.. cos we had to bust our butts as we ran after the conducting officer.. ever tried doing 30 counts of 4 jumping jacks in vest slack?? lets just say that you've never be so happy to stand still once you're done.. but the result of all the vest slack pt?? zulu (garang as ever) became the company with the highest IPPT passing rate.. and overall i think that i benefitted from it a whole lot.. fitness wise of course.. physically i think my knee is going to kill me one day..

Siongness rating (only cos we are garang zulu and have to do it in vest slack) 8/10 at the start but 4/10 towards the end

next we have CPT or Combat PT
CPT is usually done as a warmup (yea right) for tougher activities like SOC and strength training and such by recruits with already acheing muscles and disgruntled looks on their faces.. ok i cant really remember whats the reasoning behind calling it combat pt but im quite sure that its something about it conditioning us to be able to assimlate better into a combat situation or sth like that.. anyway CPT involves alot of strength training.. running and stretching (once i stretched so much i hurt my back and was out of comission for about 1 week) its done in our long 4 and man is it hot.. ok im not going to bore you with the details of each exercise we do.. cos that would 1. take up a whole lot of needles (but infinite and free) space on the internet and 2. undoubtedly leave all the non-army goers with a look of absolute bewilderment on their faces.. so no im not going to but but but! let me put it this way..during the first few times we did CPT, by the time we were through with the shuttle run (the last exercise in CPT) we were already gona die.. well some of us more than others cos they were last in the shuttle run and had to do an extra 20 pushups. aite lets see overall i think CPT was quite uh.. not as useful ha!

siongness rating 7/10 at the start but like all things drops to a mere 3/10 towards the end of bmt..

oook.. up next we have SOC

SOC, known to all as the Standard Obsticle Course and covertly known to some of us as the Sure Out-of Course (haha!) and known to the PTIs (physical training instructors) as their "playground" is a large piece of land with surprises of all surprises obsticles in them! *gasp* as per CPT i wont go through all the obsticles that are there but there are some i have to touch on.. first one being the low wall.. now the reason why people have problems clearing this blasted thing is because of 1 simple thing.. haa they cant jump.. not with their webbing and rifle on them anyway! =) next up low rope.. now the low rope isnt built for skinny people like me.. my goodness they might as well ask me to hang myself with the rope cos climbing it with sth like 1/5 my bodyweight on me is crazy! but i survived (i cleared ALL the obsticles mind you and cleared them fairly easily..except the low rope.. had a bit of difficulty clearing it.. but still I DID CLEAR IT) ok next up the blance beam..now this one is scary.. forget the fact that the beam is like 1.2-1.5 meters off the ground.. oh no.. thats not the scary part.. the scary part is looking down and seeing your feet stepping in front of each other knowing that a small slip may result in the loss of the recruit's family jewels for all future generations (and current ones) to enjoy.. sad isnt it? tsk.. next we have the jacob's ladder.. again another high obsticle where a fall may result in huge injuries.. (thankfully there were none) and finaly the low ramp, i heard that some guy was out of course because he landed the wrong way and fractured his tailbone (ouch ouch and can i get another ouch?) with all these things its little wonder why some of us call it the Sure Out-of Course! haa.. but overall it doesnt have aot of physical exertion.. so unless ur scared of heights, this wont be that siong.. esp since we dont have a long rundown..

Siongness rating (without the fear of heights) 5/10

ok thats all for now.. i gotta go dinner and den tackle the mountian of christmas cards that i have to write this year.. update tomorrow (hopefully)

one of the last

2007-10-11T00:24:00.000-07:00

aite this is definately gona be on of my last posts before i go into the army.. well actually its quite possibly my last post before i go into the army based on the history of me updating this blasted thing..but i digress..

anyway i guess there are a few things i gotta get off my chest.. well sorta.. its just the random ramblings of a 20 year old before he goes into the life changing experience of the army and "officially" becomes "man". firstly i know its a rite of passage with us Singaporeans to get conscripted into the service so that it teaches us how to fire arms and smack another person over the head with the rifle should they be close enough and we're out of bullets or simply dont want to waste any on that person. but still i've been thinking lately what makes us so scared or reluctant to go into the army in the first place? is it cos of the thought of being diciplined by people that you dont know or people that MAY be younger den you even? hey im 20 already and ryan and gabriel are already in there and could very well do so i guess? haha..

but i dont really know.. i guess its just the fear of going into some place un-known and stuff.. coupled with the feeling of being isolated on an island with a bunch of hormonally charged young men that dont get to see anyone but each other for a long long long long time. hrm.. perhaps thats it.. but then again.. it wont be that different from attending an all boy's school. cept maybe in BMT ur "teachers" are all male. hrm.. that may be it..

but i still feel there's something deeper than that.. perhaps its the thought of not being home in your nice warm bed after a hard day's work? or not having the freedom to slack and do what u want i.e. play dota or go online and blog or just chat with people over msn and stuff you know?

but anyway lets dig deeper into it shall we? why do i fear going into BMT? well actually i dont really FEAR it.. im just abit worried.. as i have told many people.. im scared of turning into someone that doesnt want to come to church just because he's tired.. or turning into someone that my cell and JYM cannot look up to or basically turning into someone that does not live his life for God. yes i know its quite surprising to hear me say this.. but this is a very real fear to me. i mean.. physical exercise and stuff doesnt scare me.. heck i've dislocated my elbow before and didnt complain much about it.. mentally, well lets just say that if you've been around my manipultive brother long enough you learn alot of mental toughness. so that leaves us with the very real fear of spirituality.

how will i survive in NS spiritually then? thankfully pastor Henry told me and caleb yesterday that we've just got to trust God and take whatever He planned for us to go through and trust that He has prepared it for us. God does not put us into a situation that we are not equipped or prepared to handle! so i trust God and i thank God for that.

though it still doesnt mean i wont be scared. but i guess in that small sense of fear i can find my comfort in God and that to me is really what matters.. i dont think that there will ever be another way for me to live my life except to totally be trusting God and all that He has in store for me right? i really really just thank God for giving me people to encourage me like Ryan, Kaimin, Ivan, Ps Henry, Glenn, Nadine, Denise and many others la..so many that it'd b quite dumb to keep naming them. my faith in God will be strengthened through this i guess..

aite i actually had alot more to type about but seeing as to how one point has taken so long and so much space.. i think i'll take a rain check.. and come back when i feel like it and IF i feel like it.. so at the risk of boring you all any more than i already have.. i will stop here..

bmg

Acceptance

2007-10-01T02:57:00.000-07:00

the past few days have been.. well a rollercoaster of emotions to say the very very very least.. but u know what God as pulled me through each and every one of those trials and i am thankful to Him for that..

alot of you know my big problem with the changing of my job and stuff and how God has helped me to settle that problem.. but on saturday while i was having dinner with ivan and preparing to marvel with him later my parents called me and told me that i was being enlisted into NS come 15th october.. now that just utterly shocked me! i mean they told me that i was going in on the december to april call up but now they're giving me less than 2 weeks to prepare myself!

to top it all off, my parents want me to continue working in my current job and not give me any rest.. that was the major struggle.. i wanted to rest.. really wanted to go about doing my own stuff before i went into the army.. but my mother chose to look at it from the Human resource point of view and as such told me that i should work despite my best attempts to say otherwise.. cue sunday, the massive amounts of emotional anger coupled with fatigue from the lack of sleep due to the previous night and you get a very emotionally charged derrick that would bite anyone's head off if they wernt careful. BUT cue Ryan and Kai Min and Joel Pang and Maggie and Shawn and Henry Yeo and Yew and you get a very good ending.

first of all my thanks go to Ryan, for praying with me and for just listening to me and just encouraging me so much giving me strength to continue serving through the day and giving me Godly advice and counsel. He helped me to realise just how important God is and His will is.

next i want to thank Kaimin for just talking to me when he saw how distressed i was. it may not have seemed like alot, but it really helped me to settle myself and think about how im going to prepare myself for this

then there's Joel Pang, who's matter of fact talk with me in the morning helpe me to see that the situations only seemed like it wasnt going my way BECAUSE the way i wanted it to go was my plans and not God's plans.

Maggie, Henry Yew and Shawn for praying for me and comforting me when i felt that everything was really un-fair.

Henry Yeo for just being there to help me see things from my parent's point of view.

and now what God did for me that day.

Feet washing. a simple act that really just broke my heart. To see Andrew there humbling himself to wash my feet was really something that will remain in my mind and heart for a really long time to come. and then the washing of my cell member's feet. its something gladly did.. but it was then that it hit me.. why am i so willing and fast to serve my cell but not my parents and honour them.. this whole module of serventhood. it really just made me think.. and right there and then God convicted me..

i said it was unfair that they called me up so early and gave me two weeks notice instead of 2 month's notice to prepare for NS.. but was it fair to Jesus when they hung Him, a blameless man who has done nothing but good and was sinless on the cross? God humbled me. and showed me that in all things i have to praise His name.. He reminded me that i asked Him to help me praise His name when i was going through tough times. and thats what i am doing now.. im serving my parents by honouring them, praising the name of God and following His will. no matter how much it doesnt follow the plans i have for myself! i choose to follow His will!

through the storm, yet i will praise You
despite it all, yet i will sing
through good or bad, yet i will love You
cos You remain the SAME King of kings!

thats the line that's been repeating in my head since saturday night. and i guess its something im learning to do. God has brought me through this time of struggling to lay down my own plans of enjoying myself for the last 2 weeks before i go into NS and take up His will of me honouring my parents. i choose to live my life to honour God.

thank you Lord!

temptations

2007-09-14T03:26:00.001-07:00

hrm.. ok lately i've been thinking alot about temptations and the like.. why do we give into temptations like we always do? ok people like ivan and caleb and joel and whoever reads this blog blease correct me if i am wrong in anyway but what happens for me is that at the point of my temptation, when i give in, i take my eyes away from God.. i personally at that point in time feel that it is alot easier for me to give into the temptation rather den fighting it. at that point in time i take my eyes away from God and try to do it by my own strength. in fact it is the moments before i even start to give up that i already take my eyes away from God. i start to think that i can do it because i have already resisted the temptation for so long already.. thats when my eyes are taken off God and i start using my own strength to fight the temptation or resist it. and i continue to use my own strength to resist the temptation.

but what happens after that is that the temptation keeps kicking and plugging and pulling at my mind that i find it more and more appealing to just give in to that temptation and satisfy that urge to do it rather than to fight it. although there is this part of me that keeps telling me that it is wrong and so on, because i take my eyes off God and start to use my own strength and resist the temptation i fail, i know this because if i do the opposite and cry out to God for help or if i turn my eyes back to God, everything gets alot easier and God does come and put things into perspective.

an area in which i really struggle with this is my anger. when someone gets me really angry, i in turn start to have this huge struggle in me.. on the one hand, i am struggling with the temptation to say something hurtful and to harm the person. during that time if i do turn to God to help me, well things get alot easier la.. but then if i dont, the temptation to react brews in me.. and if i dont react, it just turns into alot of bitterness, something that in a way is alot worse den the reaction, because for me, when bitterness brews i tend to re-enact the scenarios in my head and all the different reactions that i can use on the person. which i must confess now are not really very good. heh.. ok fine they are not good at all. the thing with me is when i get bitter i get very very bitter. and sad to say sometimes i cant surrender it at all.. not for a really really long time.

if i still continue not to look to God for help, well things happen. like how i get more snarky to them, how i tend to avoid them and so on. and if i am forced to associate with them i tend to just do the bare minimum.. unless of course there's some sort of respect for them. which is very seldom. but with the help of God, when i am able to turn to Him instead of trying to get over it with my own strength, i will be able to forgive and forget. well at least im able to release and swallow my pride.

now i can almost hear alot of people saying then why dont you turn to God all the time? well as i search my soul and look at how i am unable to keep turning to God. i can only come up with one answer. pride.. my pride. the thing is that sometimes i keep telling myself that i can do it, keep telling myself that i am able to fight this temptation by myself. and when things get tough, i just think that i can still do it, since i already have been able to keep myself from falling into the temptation for so long already i should be able to continue to by myself. so the pride continues to come into play even after i know that i already am going to fall. the pride in me continues to keep me from turning my eyes back to God.

conclusion? i have a very prideful heart. but the thing i feel is that everyone kinda falls the same way into temptation. it is only when we take our eyes off God that we fall. as for non-christians? well im not sure.. i guess that there is something that stops them too but i really dont know what. perhaps its a philosophy that they cling to so dearly in life? perhaps its something that keeps them in check? i have no idea.. really.. i dont have all the answers.. im not even sure if it is the same for all i just think it is.

in anycase i just pray that i wont keep taking my eyes off God.. like how i did during my time as a cell leader.. God help me

today

2007-09-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

well i really had a good time in the prayer room last week during the 24/7.. best time spent there was with ryan man.. that one hour in there past by so fast that i was really shocked. ryan's like my brother man.. i mean really he's probably one of the only people i know wont judge me an so on.. heh i think that night i made one of the most important promises in my life as well.

overall time spent in the prayer room last week was 10 hours! woohoo! though unexpected.. the 10 hours in there was really the high point of my week..i mean just being able to go into a room and meet with God. ok fine i know you can meet with God anywhere and it doesnt take 24/7 or a small quiet room.. but i guess its the significance of being able to during such a large event like that. if there's one thing God taught me it is to expect to meet Him there.. to expect to meet Him period. If we dont look foreward to meeting going into His presence and as a result reluctantly meet Him, how are we gona meet Him? it just wont be so easy. but as maggie said.. sometimes when we dont look foreward to going in and meeting Him but He still meets us all the same, it just shows how faithful God is to us.

this 24/7 made me fall deeper in love with God and prayer! woohoo!

in other news, im really worried bout my cell now, Joyce has left for Manchester and ya.. now im really worried bout the cell. its not that i doubt what Kaimin and Crystal can contribute to the cell. i just doubt my abilities as a cell leader. i mean lik everytime i look at other cells like Opal and Topaz and so on i just see some sort of unity. and that kind of unity is sorta only apparent when joyce was around. the more i think about it the more i feel that God put me in Emerald for a reason. but i just somehow didnt fufill that purpose.. the worst thing yet is that it took me over 1 3/4 of a year to realise it. with 1/4 of the year left im not sure what i can do. and this is my struggle as a cell leader. i really dont know what to do to help the cell. in other words was i really put in Emerald to be their cell leader or was there no other choice but me? i really dont know man.. it really is messin with my mind..

i realised during my prayer time that i really am not the best example of a leader in JYM, im probably the committee member with the worst behaviour record. i guess this is so God can show how mighty He is instead of how good i am eh? gotta trust God. in the last 4 months of this year at least i will do my best to honour Him in my life and let Him work through me. i hope. i really dont know how much of this will come through but i will try. with the strength of God i will do what He wants me to.

there!

2007-08-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

ok THERE I FINALLY CHANGED THE START UP SCREEN cos all of you keep complaining that i have to change it!! sheesh.. ok fine i look weird in the pic and the quality of the picture isnt good (blame photobucket not me.. or maybe you can blame me for looking the way i do.. either way la doesnt matter to me. haha!) but in anycase i think its a good pic.. any1 that doesnt think so has obviously met my siblings! haha! and the quality of the picture really isnt great la so its fine. just imagine my eyes where the eyes are supposed to be.. and YES GLENN I ONLY HAVE ONE SMILE.. in case you all are wondering.. YES I DO ONLY HAVE ONE SMILE. there!

caught my eye

2007-08-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

ok so the past week has been tiring. but I personally do thank God for all that has happened the past week. well save for one or two incidents. but really the week has been a tremendous blessing. cept the stress. though the stress is good too.. sorta. well yea sorta. anyway God has really delivered me through tis semester. read the last post or a few posts back and you'll see how He has shown me great mercy right? here's the good news. my teacher told me i scored reall really high for the socio test =) Praise God. He really helped me. ALL glory goes to Him. ALL.

this is an edit..

But whatever was to my profit i now consider lost for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider all things rubbish, that i may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God that is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becomming like Him in His death.

no points for guessing where that came from.. heh this is my new memory verse. i'm already almost done with it. but its really a prayer for my life. this verse has immense meaning to me. lets just say even more so the past couple of days after all thats been going on i think its really speaking loads to me. i have to consider ALL things lost.

alright ive been thinking abit too much the past couple of hours.. i dont think im gona blog it down here. if anything it's going into the other blog. ha.

dont wana think anymore

2007-08-10T04:51:00.000-07:00

my head hurts la.. i really dont want to think about it anymore.. goodness.

75th post

2007-08-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

im gona mark my 75th post with a one liner. hope this makes you guys think

Ever wonder why it takes us just 2-3 days to fininsh the latest harry potter book but it takes us almost forever just to finish the Bible?

think about it..

Our God Reigns!

2007-08-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome

Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victoryLet it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ aloneI

n Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need

And now I seek no greater honor than just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

Ivan led this song yesterday, and what can i say this song spoke. its not the first time i heard this song with the verses and everything. but after going through all i went through in the last week, this song holds so much meaning to me now. if i can find it with the verses its definately going into my IPod. ha. anyway this blog post is about giving the glory all to God. but before i start with the story let me just give an encouragement to Mr Ivan Chan! woo hoo!

Ivan, if you're reading this let me tell you one thing. You my friend have been blessed by God greatly with the gift of worship leading. Yesterday's worship was perhaps the first time since revelation 3 that i have been able to really just lift my hands to God and worship. Maybe its cos i've just gone through a tough time, or maybe its cos its the first time i've been able to worship freely for awhile. But i dont think so, because somehow i felt that the worship (im not kidding here) was better than that of the FOP with Don Moen and Delirious? and all. Its all thanks to God of course but don't play down your part in letting God minister to us because you allowed Him to use you in leading us.

And i dont know la seeing how you give your all in service and leading and even the preperations for leading (yes your preperations do not go un-noticed) speaks volumes about your love for God and i guess its precisely the reason why you're so blessed in leading. because in your leading you first are worshipping, even before the first chord is played or the first words are sung, you were worshipping. i guess thats the real meaning of worship leading eh? to first lead by example in worshipping the Lord even in the preperations. In anycase thanks Ivan, you've helped me re-discover worship again. (P.S. i still look down on your magneto!)

ok now on to the story. firstly let me say to God be the glory. now many of you may have been greeted by the strange sight of me studying during last sunday (not the sunday of the FOP but before) and the friday after that sunday. let me assure you that it WAS me and you were not dreaming. now back to the story. the reason as to why i was studying was because i am on the verge of failing my two courses sociology and psychology. due to certian things that happened la projects not doing as well as i hoped and so on. so i really had to do well for the coming exams which was a whopping 30% of my final score. so the week before the exam i was stressing out trying to cram a whole load of 12 combined sociology and psychology chapters into my brain and trying to commit it to memory. for those of you that dont see the big problem here, its that i was tryign to do it wth my OWN strength.

well as most of you who have tried to do things with your own strength know for a fact, its very difficult, let alone cram 12 chapters into your brain in a week.I msged Ryan and told him about everything, in fact he knew everything from the start la cos i've been keeping him updated. and let me tell you im so blessed to have Ryan as a friend la. He helped to really encourage me during the week to keep on mugging and everything which helped with the stress and beyond all that, i knew that he was praying for me through the whole thing.

Anyway come friday i was truely and honestly freaking out. why? because i still had 2 chapters that i have yet to be able to cram into the "wonderous" cranium of mine. i called ernest to help me and so on but i was scared. petrified. now there are two things you dont hear me say in public seriously, in fact only my close friends ever hear me say the first thing. first thing is i really need you to help me. and the second thing is im scared. and the extent of my pride is that i am proud that i dont say these things. it gives people the image that i can take care of myself and im independent yes? on a side note a pretty funny conversation happened btw me and Glenn on friday.

Glenn: ehh why dont you come with us for dinner?
Me: no la i have to finish
Glenn: come la its just awhile
Me: cannot! i really have to get this down if not im sure to die tomorrow. Its really important, i mean have you ever seen me study this hard before?
Glenn: No, i've never even seen you study before!
Me: Then why do you think im studying so hard if this exam tomorrow is not crucial to me passing?
Glenn: i thought you changed.

haha! Glenn got me good that time. heh no comeback available for that one at all man. it was a good one!

Anyway God chose this time to deal with me. firstly He chose to deal with my whole doing things by my own strength thing. the thing is Collin asked me on wednesday to help lead worship for the cell during friday and after stopping to pray God convicted me about it. but you know whats the worst thing? i didnt heed it. not one bit and continued to try to memorise the 12 chapters. come friday, once again me freaking out trying to learn, fast forward to worship during connect. Be Magnified. what a great song, speaking of exactly the struggles i have been facing. struggling to let Him be magnified even though i have made Him too small in my eyes. the song itself spoke of my heart at that moment, God was working.

Fast forward after the cell time during connect Collin and I were talking and i told him everything. heh he challenged me to just set aside and sacrifice half an hour the next morning. Half an hour just to spend time with God and let Him speak. He prayed for me, Glenn came and prayed for me. Its wonderful to have brothers in christ you can depend on dont you think? so i went home and studied till i cldnt anymore and fell aslp.

Next morning i spent 30 mins alone with God, crying out to Him and just asking Him to speak. He spoke through James 1 verses 2-4 and verse 12. That was all i needed. really just all i needed. i decided there and then to just place my future into His hands. from then on it didnt matter if i passed or failed the course my future is resting now in His hands. It still is as im typing this and im not going to let myself take my future away from His hands anymore. I will do the works that He planned for me. I will allow Him to use me. well i went for the exams and i must say that God throughly blessed me. as far as i know i only lost about 4-5 marks each from each paper. but as i said it doesnt matter to me now. because i know my future is in the best possible place it could be in, God's hands.

Though i still dont know the results of my exams or if im even going to pass or fail my course. I still give thanks and praise God's name. because even though this is not over yet, i have already learnt a few things. Firstly God has taught me to put my faith in Him and strength in Him and not do things by my own strength but through His strength. Secondly i have learnt that i have a supportive group of brothers in Christ, Collin, Glenn, Ryan, Joel, Ivan, Caleb, Kaimin and so on. they really helped me through this time by praying for me or just being there to listen. I really am blessed by them. Finally, through this God has helped me place my future in His hands. which is something that i treasure, he is no fool to give up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. God has helped me to give up a future that I cannot keep by using my own strength to gain a future that i cannot lose in His hands!

To God be the Glory! He is everlasting and He is LIVING!

In every victory let it be said of me,
my SOURCE of strength,
my SOURCE of hope,
is CHRIST ALONE!

foot

2007-07-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

well lets see about 1 and a half weeks after i blogged the last time so i guess i sorta owe u people an update eh? once again its not like many of you people read anyway.. haha but i guess if anyting it'd be for my own benefit. so here goes.

ok so last week from tuesday to thursday we had a diocease retreat, i went with pastor henry, ivan, kaimin, caleb, junxu joel and brenda. and i'd dare say the thing we did the most there was... eat.. reali it was like my dream retreat or sth.. every 3-4 hours or so starting from breakfast we'd go and eat. and usually its buffet style.. super shiok. ivan of course ate the most.. tho i have been known for the amount i eat and how much i can eat and everything, ivan ate alot. partially due to the fact that he found the chai poh balls there so appealing. but anyway ivan did eat alot. but then again we all did la. on the side note, ivan adores chai poh so there's no surprise that he took to chai poh balls so quickly **

ok den on friday i went to visit my grandma, the lovely old woman she is. she's really a matriach of the family man. she's a lovely lady la. tho getting on in her years she's still strong willed and very sharp, it'll b hard to pull a fast one over her in things that she knows. also she's an extremely loving grandmother and stuff. and my goodness i love her to bits. not many people know this but my very first words were 'mama' which is what i called my grandmother growing up (i call my mother mummy btw so dont get confused) kinda shows you how close i feel to my grandma doesnt it? i really love her la. and well shes one of the few people in my life that i'd gladly give my life for. as in really, tho sometimes she has her flaws, she always knows what to do, and shes really a person that i can look up to. one of the things i like to do is just sit down and let her recollect to me stories of her adolesence. very interesting stuff.

it really gives you a perspective on life and such. oh yes she can play the accordian too? and shes realli good la. she learnt how to play it by herself and learnt the tunes by herself. if you give her a tune as in hum it, she can play it straight off. as in just by listening to the tune. wonderful la. it took me a good 10 mins to learn how to play 'this old man' on her accordian but i gave her the song how great thou art and she played it straight off. my goodness. such musical talent. i wish i had it.

ok anyway i just love my grandmother la. shes really a wonderful woman.

but in other things, i guess im still learning. sometimes i wonder if we really need to go all out in doing things. sometimes i feel its better to take the easy way out. but its against what i believe in i guess. cos like its just not me la. but still it seems to rub people the wrong way. cos ai ya forget it im nt even sure what im typing now. life confuses and confounds, it just how much you are willing to be confounded and confused before you learn yet more facts of life. that will undoubtedly confuse and counfound you more. as such we have to turn to God.

so there.

blahblah lah

2007-07-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

its friday afternoon and im slacking in joel's house.. joel's playing cheat in a CnC game and owning eerything.. and blowing up the enemy's base just for kicks.. and what does he have to say to that? thats the point of playing games what.. good point. but still cheater..

since i have nth better to do im blogging now. so dont expect a very good blog entry. this one is just gonaa be crap. anyway cool fact that you people may not know.. if u strangle sum1 long enough and with enough force, their eyes eventually pop out of their sockets. also, no1 can sneeze with their eyes open, your eyes pop out of their sockets if u do.

slacking is such a hard job.. cos udont know what to do.. hahaha so eventually you just type nonsense like i am doing now.. and u watch joel destroy the enemy using cheats just foir kicks. cos its fun what.. anyway congrats to nadine for getting into NJ, since you really wanted to get into it and have been accepted.. really happy for you!

ok on another more dull note i realised recently just how much time i've been spending on neopets.. this shows how bored i really am.. its crazy.. after last week's psycho project was over i've nt had much to do.. as such im really bored and turning to neopets! im pretty successful in it. and tho many people think its quite childish, the whole concept in neopets have now changed from a very kiddish website to one that essentially has its own economy with supply and demand and everything. i could waste your time with just how diverse and complex the whole economy really is but i have a feeling that if i do i will lose what's left of my blog readership.. which i think is less den 10 but anyhow..

since ur already reading this far and if you still are reading. im gona elaborate a little bit.. in the world of neopets, the supply and demand changes alot.. aside from your everyday battle items and food and such which you have to get to keep your pet happy and alive and winning battles that occur in plots, there are many other areas which are important as well.

but the world of the neopets economy revolves around the pet.. (like duh) but it is just a little more complex then that, the really smart people, feed their pets cheap items whilst selling off the more expensive items. honestly, for just 1 np (the currency of the game) you can feed your pet depending on the food u choose. also, the things that really cost alot of money are anything that can alter the pet, i.e. change its colour, make it smarter or stronger and so on. but the real money is made usually in weapons, indeed battling is one of the main things pets do because they dont have anything else better to do. and also, during plots the creators of the website will release different types of challengers that are somehow related to the plot, now you can see why weapons are so important.

the more times u defeat the opponent in the plot, the more points you get, the more points you get the better items you can get when the prizes for the plot comes out, resulting in a high profit for you. soooo this means the rich get richer due to their good items and the hopelessly poor are left to continue fending for themselves.. sounds shockingly like he real world eh? now who said neopets was for kids. its shockingly alot like the real world.

ok so before i lose all of the rest of my readership for this blog. i shall stop.. yes i can almost hear the sighs of reliefs. tsk why do you read the blog in the first place then? hahaha

ok its time for all of u to shut it

2007-07-12T07:34:00.000-07:00

ok its time for you and you and you to shut it.. for the 47th time (yes i actually bothered to count) i DO NOT LIKE HER.. i honestly dont care what you guys think or what you guys claim. i dont. im too young.. too immature and yes.. not good enough.. so shut it really.. IF i were to like a girl, it'd be sum1 totally different.. sum1 that i can at least talk to. so shut it.. im not superficial..unlike you lot.

ok now that that's been taken care of.. recently there's not been much activity in my life.. well cept the fact that my brother's been trying to get into shape.. which is quite funny to see.. his bulking figure limping from room to room due to the muscle aches he gets.. hahaha

also i just gave a speech today which wasnt all bad.. heh.. did pretty well even if i do say so myself =)

ok this has been a short post..

and a public service announcement from ivan's blog... MARIMARIHOM!!!

after so long

2007-07-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

ok its been reali long since i last blogged.. like duh..and joel is starting to say i owe people posts..so well lets see..i've got lots to update on i guess.. ok lets see.. there's the cell outing thingy steamboat thingy, den theres.. oh sod it i'll just update as i go along la see what i can remember.

ok lets see i'll start out with the cell outing thingy, many thanks to Kaimin for coming up with the idea and for helping to do the steam boat thingy, honestly it was nice. heh.. well we all met at arnd like 1pm? anyway it was pretty fun going arnd buying the stuff and so on. in the end the bill came up to a hefty 200+ bucks.. oh well i guess if ur gona have a good time eating u have to have good food right? so we ended up buying quite abit of meat.. well i did at least. and somehow we forgot the bottle opener. as such the oyster sauce somehow got its head wacked off I.E. the part where the cap is supposed to be screwed on and soooooo we had to use all the oyster sauce to marinate the meat. which i thought wasnt too bad.. the others thought it was too salty..hey its not my fault ok who ask the duno who to go and spoil the oyster sauce.. bleah..

in anycase, the whole thing went quite ok i guess? maybe cept for the odd intrusion from people to kope our hard cooked food.. but i think it all went ok la.. that was until people started to leave and left the cleaning to the older youths? im nt sure. haha but well i think it went well overall la. nothing much else to say for that cept that the food was good and the company wasnt bad either. many thanks to kester and marcus as well for getting our rice and tolerating being laughed at by the market staff =) ooh ya for all emerald members who havent payed for the thing yet.. please pay.. i know my credit terms are good but they arnt that good ok..

ok uh up next is the youth camp i believe.. i loved it! well planned and well executed! although it was held in the middle of the week, the attendence was good and from what i can see the campers all had loads of fun! so i would say it was a well thought of camp and it did meet the target which was to get the youth to bond together. besides.. my group won! so it cant get any better than that right? hahaha anyway through the camp i was able to see how God has been working in the lives of the younger youth, i was surprised pleasently to the fact that Leroy and Amos stepped up to the positions of leading their groups well. also through the camp i was able to get to know alot of the youths better. yeap! oh yea.. sry to the people that saw me black faced during the last night of the camp. heh it wasnt u it was sth else.. yea.. totally not related to u people.. so thats it for camp.. nth much cept that i felt it was a real good bonding camp and that people who didnt go for it reali missed out on quite abit.

on a side note, monday before revelations was fun! eating ice cream twice a day really helps one cheer up alot! esp after what happened during the youth camp! =) also! prata and ice cream sorta go.. and for those of you who havent tried gelato ice cream.. well u guys are seriously dont know what ur missing! esp dark chocolate and my fav of all.. belgium chocolate! ** pink butterfly water bottle!**

ok revelations. a magical night. God reali was there and many thanks to the organisers.. now i could do shoutouts like all the other blogs but i'd prefer not to.. why? cos if i do it'd not be much different from that of Ivan's and Kaimin's so i wont. besides. i dont think i want to ruin it with words. all i can say is that revelations realli was amazing. it totally exceeded my expectations. but i just want to say that the PA team that was assembled did well overall. was impressed by all of them. they really rose up to their job which i really admire even though they didnt have much experience in doing what they did. they came for all their music pracs and were responsible in all their duties. and not only the PA, the dancers, logistics, band and singers all did well! even during practice they all gave their 100% to it. its something that really touched my heart because it shows me just how much a heart of service the youth of JYM really have.

ok uh next up.. connect retreat i guess.. seeing as to how my school life is so boring u'd much sooner tear ur ears out then listen to it. which is good cos it saves me alot of breath.. uh typing space. yea. anyway it was great la.. getting to know the people better and so on. and also just being able to for once in my life go running in the morning.. yea.. it definately was a good retreat. edmund's cooking was well good la of course! haa whoever says his cooking isnt good well have the tastebuds of hitler.. or sth like that. oiin anycase i felt it was good la.. and on nother note, ernest A.K.A FBTs screams like a girl.. yea..

ok thats all for now.. if im supposed to update on sth else just tell me on te tagboard. yea.

right

2007-06-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

ok i guess i better start posting. again. what a boar.. anyway i dont think i have much to say actually.. well actually i do. bt once again i must say it is reserved for the other blog. but yea.. i guess todays topics will be on the recently passed GDOP and maybe just abit on some of my thoughts. whoever decides to read this you have been warned.

anyway GDOP was pretty ok i guess. i found the whole thing a little too draggy for my liking and perhaps even just a tad bit too i dont know the word. uh staged? i dont know. i felt that some of the things were rehearsed and so on. and i guess there was not enough time for the free praying as there was last year. the different languages made the draggy programing even more draggy and i felt that many people got restless. i dont know la maybe its me but i feel that this GDOP wasnt as good as last year's one. thats all i gotta say bout that

now here comes some of the more stupid part of the post.

i feel that lately i dont know im gettin a little more sceptical about alot of things. i dont like it. detest it in fact and yet i cant help it. but strangely i find it oddly refreshing. not that i wasnt sceptical before this current period. but i find this new scepticism refreshing. whateve that means. i guess u really gotta be in my head to know what i mean by all that. and i guess that lately i've been getting very moody easily. dang it. if only i didnt have all these thoughts swimming through this cranium o mine maybe i'd be a happier dude or thing. yea. but i guess all this is just adding on to the already highly charged psychological problem of paranoia i have. which of course adds to my already extremely volatile temprement of mine*. i dont know la i guess lately my brain's been making sense (warped or not) of alot of things that have happened in the past. talk about forgiving and forgetting. things that i feel i've gotten over come charging back to me. goodness its all the pride i think. it has to be la. mr self righteous right here thinks he's always right and therefore that condems people that dont have the same view on the situations as he does to eternal damnation and a more or less permenent lable of being unreasonable and basically someone that doesnt like him and questions what he does and every other thing of that sort.

so mr self righteous is a pig yes? yes. cos he eats alot and sleeps alot and believes the world owes him a living. and therefore he acts all knowing and blah de blah de blah. but all pigs get killed for their meat. and mr self righteous feels that the time is coming. and therefore he gets defensive and so on. therefore it begs the question. how does one kill a defensive pig? answer: u shoot it. yes you do. that way it hits him hard and fast. and then everything falls down. the mask of hardness and so on. and whoever shoots him can make a meal out of it. honestly i'd gladly be shot. i think i need it. to kill the self righteous person that i am that is. i dont know la. i feel that its really not sth that can be done soon anyway. ai ya forget it. who am i kidding. i still think the world owes me a living. and no matter how many times God fills me up i just keep pouring it away and asking for more. dispicable. despickable. haha dumb.

God save me.

nothing much to do so i'll blog

2007-05-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

well saturday wasnt really the best of days. but then again it wasnt really all that bad either. i woke up refreshingly late on saturday, like 11am or sth. did the usual brush teeth wash face and all that kinda crap. boring boring stuff.. thus is the monotone of my life. but i did have a good lunch too! one of the high points of my day.

well the day got abit more interesting in the regular satuday soccer match i guess. as i type now i have a theon looking over my shoulder reading everything i write so every1 say hi to theon! haha. anyway back to business. anyway the soccer match was quite a disaster. the team we played against were.. in the words of ivan " a few notches above us" although uncle mark would probably disagree.. seeing as to how he thought that we should win. anyway by the end of the first half it was a depressing 3-0. with one goal going straight over my head and into the goal ( depressing stuff especially since it reminds me of my previous experiences when i first became the goalkeeper. before uncle mark took over as coach ) ok.. this style of typing im using isnt really suiting me.. its different from the normal style.. i find it quite disgusting actually. i shall switch back to my normal. tsk to me. anyway in the second half i caused ivan a double injury (sorry ivan) by kicking the ball directly at ivan, causing him to clear the ball with haste before getting brutally mauled by a striker charging in at him. the resulting tangle of bodyparts was.. not pretty to say the least. but im glad that he escaped relatively unscathed. maybe with abit of a bruise (both to his body and perhaps his ego(?) )

well the match ended in a disgraceful 7-0 thumping of the sjcfc by the eagleboyz. but by far i feel that it could have been heck alot worse. kaimin and ivan defended well in the center. though i believe that they would beg to differ. but but but! let me tell you that i would have been in a whole new world of trouble had they not made the clearences and stuff a whole new world of trouble.. think about that. haha

anyway after the match, kaimin, ivan and i went for a hasty shower before rushing off to ngee ann poly for gabrielle's dance performance. got there late and missed her first dance item i think. ahh anyway poor charlotte was waiting for us for quite abit of time i think and all of us ended up in like a seat way at the back haha. so when gabrielle's next dance item came on. well understandably it was hard to spot her. i think we did in the end tho..and if it was her (which kaimin is quite sure it was) i must say she sure can danc well. im nt sure if it is her tho.. anyway as far as concerts go i dont usually like them.. but this one was.. uh.. was pretty good.. how can i tell? well i didnt fall asleep.. i usually fall asleep at concerts. and thats the truth

anyway back home and i found out my father's back from seoul. oh yes i have lacked to mention that my father has taken to writing poetry when he reaches the destination of his business trip. im not sure how or why but i find it quite amusing all the same.. and my family begs to differ but i find it pretty good. that is if you take into consideration his engineer's english and the fact that he doesnt really has that good a command of english.. wait.. that IS engineer's english. fine if you take into consideration his engineer's english. of so now i'll give u an example of one of his poems. tho my mother would grossly disagree that i should be called a poem. but for arguement's sake lets just call it an engineer's poem. oh yes for some reason he calls himself the eagle. i have a sneaking suspicion that it has something to do with a bald eagle but i shall keep that a speculation.. anywaay here it goes.

Eagle landed safely in late spring Seoul.
City of pretty girls no good for the soul.
Up close one cannot help notice the fake.
Fine surgical lines covered by cosmetic cake.

and that is the poem word for word.

i actually find it quite amusing. if you take into consideration his engineer's english its good. anyway its good to see parents expressing their creative juices. although if my father were to try writing a love poem to my mum, im quite sure she would rather he kept his creative juices locked in his head to ferment. well at the very least im sure she'd want him not to create poetry. and thats not what i said. she said it. she thinks his poetry is quite horrible. and apparently so do my sister and bother.

anyway thats all i have. for now..

new face of failure

2007-05-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

well in keeping with Ivan's suggestion, i will start posting the weird (but surprisingly tasty) recipes that i have over the years of midnight snacking and home made lunches compiled. This being the first post, i'll start with something simple.. sauces perhaps..hrm. yes sauces will do just fine.

now the type of sauce you make depends very much on the taste of the individual ( like duh right?) i.e. Hot (despick) or boringly mild (ivan chan) [note i am not comparing the desirability of our bodies or our appeal..just our prefrences in taste with regard to spicyness of the sauce. it would not be fair to compare our desirability.. after all ivan ====> IS <==== JYM's most eligible bachelor! so obviously i'd lose hands down] so as you can see i'd rather not deflate my self esteem more then it already has been deflated. anyway im drifting.. more than kenny in a need for speed drift race. sauces.. yes.

another thing that needs to be considered aside from the taste of the individual is of course the food you will be eating.. in other words.. you wont want tabasco sauce to go with your porridge now do you? but for the record, tabasco sauce goes with alot of things. anyway ok so now that we've established the two basic rules of sauce making lets just cut to the chase shall we?

ok so as i was typing yesterday..lets cut to the sauce making part. oh wait.. disclaimer first. i will not be held responsible if you find the sauces arnt nice. it would probably mean that you made it wrong anyway. haha

ok so now that we've got all that out of the way, lets start with the sauces. ok i will first start with a simple sauce that you can use with the most basic of foods, rice. yeap rice. ok for a nice hot sauce that goes well with rice, assuming that your kitchen is stocked well with various condiments and some fresh ingredients. follow as instructed

Sauce 1 [hot] (approximate measurements)

add 1.5 - 2 teaspoons of tabasco sauce
add 2 tablespoon of tomato sauce or chilli sauce
add 1.5 - 2 teaspoon of sugar
stir well
add half a lime (the small one)
1/4 to 1/2 a small chopped onion
stir well again and you have yourself a nice sauce to use with rice

Sauce 2 [boringly mild]

add 2 tablespoons of mayonaise
add 1 - 1.5 tablespoons of tomato sauce
add 0.5 teaspoons of salt and pepper
add just a small bit of tabasco sauce (optional)
add 1/2 a lime
stir

there you go sauce for rice a mild one. feel free to adjust he amounts that are used. these are approximate measurements so they may not be accurate. im quite sure that they taste good. and these two sauces are actually the first sauces that i used for my rice. haha

quitters never win

2007-05-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

recently i was thinking about mortality, the whole death thing. how does it actually feel like to draw your last breath and so on? i mean wouldnt there still have to be some form of pain involved? i dont know, no matter how i try to picture it i somehow refuse to believe that we all have some sort of internal breath counter that counts down the number of breaths that we have left to take.. rather, i envision the final moments of a person being one where he struggles for his last breaths, painful deep breaths that come after much struggle, like being choked.. now with that in mind i have no idea how people came up with the phrase "passed away peacefully".

also aside from the physical pain that is involved, there always is that emotional pain. and believe me when i say that many a times its alot worse then the physical. reason being physical pain can be blocked out. i for one am very resistant to physical pain, so much so that when i dislocated my elbow a few months back i didnt realise it until i tried to push myself up. emotional pain however, no matter how much you say you are numb to it, somehow always gets stronger. for example, no matter how many times you get rejected by a girl or guy that you like, the feeling is always the same. assuming you really like the person (i for one should know this very well haha!) anyway i tried to imagine what would be going on in the mind of the person during his final hours, and you know people are right when they say that you think about the people you've loved and so on. at least thats what i thought of when i tried putting myself in the shoes of someone that knows they are dying.

so then, the more i thought about it the more puzzled i got. i mean if someone lay there dying, gasping for breath and literally slowly having the life sucked out of them. which is painful.. trust me i almost drowned as a kid and i know how it feels like. and at the same time feeling all this emotional pain, think about it.. if ur a parent or grandparent, you'd be leaving behind some people that you have known all their lives. people whom you love and care about. people you spent your life raising and molding and stuff. kinda hard eh? now if lets say you're alone in your room with no one around. no one to hold your hand and no one to realise that you've passed on for lets say the next couple of hours.. scary thought isnt it? with all that in mind how can one say that the person "passed away peacefully"?

now this bounced around in my head for a good 20 minutes, because the more i thought about it the more puzzled i became. until it finally hit me. much like how my father used to hit me on the head when i did something stupid. acceptance. thats the key thing about the whole thing. yes you may be struggling for breath, yes you may know that you are leaving behind people you love and may be alone during your final hours. but acceptance. accepting that it is your time to go, accepting that the people you care about will remember you for who you are. (in my case a rascal that thinks too much for his own good and posted this morbid post on mortality) accepting that even though you lie there dying in pain or not that you have made a difference in the life of someone. accepting the fact that there is nothing left for you to do.

so what does this all mean? goodness i sound like an adult or someone giving a sermon.. but anyway i guess that at the end of the day it all comes down to our outlook on life at any one point in time. we can choose to see it as one that we can say we dont really care whats going on and continue to feel sorry and sad for ourselves. or we can approach each situation with confidence in God knowing that He will pull us through. i dont know if this whole post is making sense to anyone else but me but yea.. i feel that at the end of the day the outlook makes a world of difference. not only in the instances before death but i guess in each and every situation that we go through. as i said a few lines above (extra time said for extra emphasis) for me, it means that in every situation i care only about the opinions of the people that matter. God, my close friends and so on in this way, i wont be bogged down by the views of others that dont matter to me. to be truthful, i dont give much of a rat's ass if they think im doing it wrong because their opinions dont matter. but before you go criticising my way of doing things hear me out.

the only reason i do that is because, all the council i need is given to me by God, i.e. God, my parents, friends and teachers (of course the opinions of the teachers matter right? they give you your grade what..) so right, why be bogged down by people whose opinions of you do not matter? i.e. the people that dont like you or just like to criticise others. because, no matter how you do it, chances are they are likely to find something wrong with your reasoning and pick on it. so why subject yourself to it? because in the end you try to please everybody and the situation goes out of control. again trust me on this, i have tried many times and i dare say almost all the times it failed.. miserably.. as in really miserably.. like you do the opposite of what you're trying to do miserable.

anyway im drifting.. when i think i drift alot..so much so that i would have been a better choice for lead actor in the movie initial D. but when i drift it kinda centers arnd the same topic as well. anyway back to the point. outlook. right so if outlook matters shouldnt we then be trying to change our outlook in each and every situation that we're in? not easy eh? but just think.. if your outlook during your final moments makes such a huge difference between going "peacefully" or not. what more your outlook when you are still living? in each situation wouldnt handling it with the outlook that it would be better to give it a try so no one can blame you for not doing it or more importantly, so you wont blame yourself for not trying it in the future. or just doing something cos you know that it will make a difference in someone or a group of people's lives if it succeeds and try to make it succeed. i mean im sure its a much better outlook than "dont want la.. if i do this.. people sure call me stupid one" well how would you know unless u try it right? if the potential outcome brings benefit to others why not? thats how i always saw things. (which is the main reason for me always doing dumb stuff)

however please note that i will not be made responsible for any guys (or girls for that matter) giving indecent proposals (or just plain proposals mind you) to the members of the opposite gender and concequently getting their hearts (or faces, egos, noses etc..) broken. remember its all the outlook in life.. so if you do try telling a girl you like her and get your heart broken and so on and so forth, remember outlook! if its not her.. theres probably someone out there better suited for you..for example. people that give indecent proposals.. there's probably a girl/guy out there that enjoys this kinda thing.. go find her. im sure she'll/he'll be glad to have you.

ok if you have read to this point.. congratulations.. you've just read through about 40 - 45 minutes of my thought life once again.. yes yes alot of stuff goes on in here *taps head* many of which you really really dont want to know of. trust me on this.. sometimes what i think about disturbs even me..

we only want to sing you to sleep

2007-05-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

like alright! hrm.. long time since i said that eh? lets try it again.. LIKE ALLLLLRIGHT! there we go and for some arcane reason my spacebar isnt working at times.. dang it. but nevermind. anyway been some time since i last posted.. not that it matters cos this IS my blog. but yea.. its been awhile.. but considering the vast amounts of free time i have i guess you people can say its surprising that i dont post more often. but in anycase. on to the main event. gosh i realise i AM using more fullstops. whats wrong with me!

in anycase i've got quite alot of stuff to post about so this will be long and full of crappy thoughts that go on inside my head. on a sidenote, if you happen to want to read more crappy thoughts that go on in my head. read the other blog.. presuming u can find it. HAHA! but where was i.. oh yes! in no way are u forced to read the contents of this post if you dont want to. i dont want to get sued or sth.. you have been warned and finally here's whats goes on in about 1 - 2 hours of my thought life at almost any waking point in my life. you're welcomed to switch off anytime u want. (after readin the post and if u think that's bad.. consider that i do this almost every waking moment in my life)

Mother's day

every year i think that mother's day is just another largely commercialised day for big companies to earn lots and lots of money. heck even the founder of mother's day tried to get it abolished after she saw how over commercialised the whole thing became. But recently i started thinking. as with many things.. the day only becomes special if you choose to let it become special.. for example. what makes the anniversary of a couple's marrige so special? or the birthday of someone so special? simply the meaning behind the day itself right? to any other person it could be any other normal day or even a day they wish that they could forget. I often remember as a child (ok fine i am still a child in many aspects but still..) during my birthday (or the subsiquent days after that) reading the obituaries (im a wierd kid yes i know) and being quite crushed to find that people actually died on my birthday. nono.. i didnt think that they wanted to but still, i was crushed cos i knew that out there there were people that are not very happy. being the over imaginative kid that i was (still am), my mind would drift into imagining what wld happened if i had lost a loved one on a special day. i remember crying alot on my birthdays.(obviously this only started at about 6-8 years old or sth like that)

2 years ago i believe i did it again, this time not so crushed by seeing the dead people but still wondering how devestating it would be for those families. anyway enough morbid talk im drifting. anyway i came to the conclusion that this mother's day would probably different because i was trying to make the effort to make it a little more special. anyway thanks to Adrian's knowledge of the (to most guys) arcane art of shopping i was able to get my mum a present.. BUT being the doosh bag at shopping that i am. i forgot to...nono i didnt forget to take the price tag off but i blundered on a comparable if not larger scale. i bought my mum a perfume/ body foam/ moisturiser kit sounds nice? yes it was. but here's he blunder. are you ready? the box was uh.. stored(?) in a plastic casing of sorts.. the type where you just have to push it out by the sides. AND right on top of it in the most VISIBLE and CLEAR words were......... MERRY CHRISTMAS! wonderful aint it? now you see why i consider shopping an arcane art? yes yes i can almost hear the indignant cries from hard core shopping lovers like Nadine saying it was because i am blur and so on and so forth BUT THATS WHY I CONSIDER IT AN ARCANE ART!

in anycase my mum alerted me to my folly and assured me that she wasnt really picky and that it was really ok. big sigh of relief from me and on another side note stated that if she was indeed picky we (my siblings and i) probably wouldnt be around seeing as to how my father, on his first date brought my mother to a movie where he bought a $1 ticket for them both which of course bought them front row seats in a movie theatre and considerable neck discomfort for the next few days. at which point my father tried to defend himself saying that he was on a poor engineer's pay.. common dad.. it was your FIRST DATE. goodness now i know where i get my luck with the ladies from. anyway im glad that i have my mum.. and well we haven't really had our mother's day dinner yet but i have already offered to pay for it.. no matter the cost. after talking to aunty Felicia after E3, and the thinking that i have been going through which has been discribed above and will continue to be discribed below (yes i told you this would be long) i decided that a dinner with no budget what so ever would be the least i could do. after all i do love my mum and the stuff that she's been doing for me over the last 20 years of my life. my mum is worth FAR more than one no budgeted dinner i know but its something that i want to do. just to let her know that i want to, even in my smallest way make her life a little happier.

anyway as i continued to thin about mother's day and having already deciding to make each and every mothers day from now on a meaningful one, my mind drifted to why do i feel such a strong love and connection to my mum. well i'll be the first to admit that my relationship with my mum wasnt the best at he start. in fact the relationship wa marred with many quarrels and shouting matches (explains why i got such good aguing skills eh? my mum's an english major if you dont know and can confound you if you're not careful) anyway only maybe in the past 2 years has our relationship gotten better, we talk alot more and stuff and i really love my mum. i mean asides from all that stuff bout bringing me into the world and taking care of me until i know how to take care of myself ( i still dont at times actually) i know that she does alot for me and my siblings behind the scenes.

in one of my heart to heart talks with my mother a few months back i think i just about glanced the surface of my mother's heart for me and my siblings. constantly worrying about the 3 of us (people reading this would know that we arnt the smartest and most well behaved kids around, heck i doubt we even are above average in those aspects) working long hours (its 9pm now and my parents are not home yet), they get up at 6am everyday. and even while working my mother worries bout the 3 of us. my mum's a tough woman i'll tell you that all the stress at work and everything. but she told me that the stress at work she can take.. what breaks her heart is that she has 3 kids that arn't finding their place or waking up to realise that society is going to leave them behind. hearing that breaks my heart. even as im thinking back on it now. and on top of her work and worrying and everything, she still finds time to go through our problems with us. she was there when i broke up with joyce, she was there when i was disgusted beyond words at my sister's behavior. she was there when i felt that i couldnt go on due to all the things that were happening all at once. im very proud to say that even though my mum faces some of the thoughest tasks in the world (which would be dealing with the nonsense that me and my siblings bring into the house.. literally) she still loves us all. and with all my heart i love my mum.. and im sure as ever never going to say otherwise.

Kids

well that was fun.. now on to the next thing i was thinking about..kids. nono im not ready to have any yet.. nor am i going to anytime soon i percieve. in fact i was thinking just how i cant have any. uh.. no there's nothing wrong with the plumbing down there if you know what i mean. but i dont know. it may just be me but i cant stand whiney self indulgent little brats that think they can have the world if they would just cry. this view was reinforced yesterdy when i was out at dinner with my family. my mum somehow saw it fit to bring my uncle's kid Galen along cos my uncle was busy working or something like that. in anycase we went to this restaurant and were happily eating dinner when my cousin wanted to have a drink. no harm in that except the fact that he wanted to drink from this waterbottle that is notoriously hard to open.

so.. while we tried to get the cap open (it was one of those bottles where u pull it open with your teeth and just suck away) my sister tried to give him water in the cup, he promptly rejected it a few times and had a mouth full or rice and some water which he drank from a cup. so my sister unscrewed the cap from the bottle and tried to give him the bottle instead. he started to push it away all the while doing that squealy thing kids do with their mouths closed and started crying whilst pointing to the cap. my father asked my sister to give him the bottle again but he just continued crying. so i tried to intervine and told him to drink from the bottle but he refused and squealed really loudly of sorts. (at this point sth in me snapped) and i was this ==> <==== close to shouting "just drink from the open bottle dammit" (for those of you that hav yet to figure it out.. my cousin wanted to suck the water out using the cap) but my father intervined. putting on his angry face he sternly told my cousin not to be like that and thus in the ensuing chaos of tears and shocked faces and more tears (not only those of my mum and my sister but the crowd around..the shocked faces i mean not the tears.. personally i saw this coming.. my father seems to have a short fuse for bratty kids as well..) my sister opened the cap up, screwed it on and gave it to my cousin. now this confirms in me sth.. i sure as heck cant stand bratty kids that think they can get away just because they are crying. they drive me nuts! Davin would know (Note: Davin is not a bratty kid but once when he started acting all tantrum-ey i scolded him pretty bad) BUT knowing how i tend to pamper the people that mean alot to me ( one of the reasons why my last relationship didnt work out ) my kid would probably be pampered and turn into one of those whiney little devils. SO! as of now i dont think that I can stand them. and the future looks bleak in that aspect as well. haha so conclusion no kids for me.. not until i can figure out a way to avoid this. ah heck i've still got a long time to gobefore i CAN have a kid.. presuming i can find myself someone seeing as to how i inherited my father's tact with the ladies (read above on the $1 movie ticket he bought for the first date with my mum if you're confused) anyway i dont know.. something bout whiney kids that cry to get what they want gets to me. maybe its cos when i was a kid and cried, my brother would just wack me harder and my parents wouldnt give me what i want. so perhaps a part of me is jealous.. nah. i dont think so. i just dont like it cos i feel its an unfair way of getting what u want. kids like that should be shot.. well except the really cute ones.. oh who am i kidding they all should be.. but then again.. nah. let kids grow up the way they have to. they'll be shot later on in life if they continue to be immature. My Uncle

lately after talking to my uncle alot, i've gotten really worried for him. He's usually the most easy going man around. well that is if you follow what he asks you to do. and what he asks you to do usually makes alot of sense anyway. but due to the nature of the sensitivity of this issue that im thinking about, this part of it will be cut very short.. there are things that i cannt reveal to anyone and so on and so forth. anyway after my aunt got into that accident with the lorry, things got pretty hard for him, sure he tries to maintain the happy outlook that he has but you can see it really weighing down on him. he now has to work to support his son, his wife and two maids and well its taking its toll on him.

but but but! i really am inspired by him this accident did bring him alot closer to God. and to see God working so much in his life is really cool. the changes tht he as gone through is really amazing. asides from being a much stronger christian, he also finds ways to encourage me through some of the harder things that i have to face. and even though he has a kid, he still finds time to spend with us. he's really a great uncle and one im glad to have. but the real thing that inspires me is how even as he is going through such a tough time he is able to always point people to God, always giving the glory to God and even though in times like this when people would be giving up, cursing God and everything, my uncle is still faithful to God, in fact it made him a much stronger person and christian. he used to be a sunday christian, but now he is able to share with anyone and everyone. my uncle is a very good talker and yes i can see that God really is working in his life because he lets God work. i can see how much he loves his kids and how much his wife, seeing him send his wife for terapy, making sure she's well taken care of and the amount of attention he showers on her. if ever i get a partner, i want to be able to love her like how my uncle loves my aunt. its truely beautiful.

just looking at it makes me realise that if a human can love someone that much, how much more does God love us? wonderful thought if u think about it. through my uncle God has shown me just a small glimmer of how it is like to be loved by Him (God i mean) its really alot. and i am humbled truely to think that i know alot about God's love. i have only just no more then skimmed the surface of it. i truely am humbled.. i think that from now on im gona let God show me more and let God work in my life more. we'll see how it goes from there.

well thats about 1 - 2 hours of what goes on in my thought life when i am awake. of course i think deeper into it and stuff but some thngs are too personal to be posted up here and stuff la so i wont.. yea.. besides.. i dont want to put you to sleep..

ok lets level

2007-04-26T05:33:00.000-07:00

ok lets level.. here's the thing.. im burning out.. as in really. can i help it if i care too much for my cell? i know people keep telling me its their salvation and not mine.. but still.. i do care. as in like.. they are my cell. and God put me in charge of them right? and i know that now i run into the danger of doing everything i do cos i want glory for myself.. but i somehow dont think so.. im worried for them not cos i dont want people to say im a bad cell leader.. heck i already have people saying that to me..

im genuinely concerned for each and every one of them.. as in like.. i dont want them to just be another person/youth that comes to JYM and church on sunday just for the sake of doing it.. or jus cos they have nth better to do, parents force them and so on..or even if its only and solely for their friends.. i dont want them to go down that road cos i know what lies down that road.. i've travelled it many times.. yes many many times.. not having a reason to come to church.. coming to church because of friends.. cos of a girl.. ha.. it all seems so dumb now.. at the same time all so real.. the dangers are all there i guess.. and i know how its like.. as in its easier to drop church and go out on sundays and such cos church and JYM no longer becomes a priority.

bt how to get them interested? talk is cheap.. it really is.. i can talk their ears out and they wont understand or catch on.. they have to see / feel / experience.. but how.. i dont think they can get that from me.. ha.. who am i kidding.. of course they cant.. not with me like this now.. and especially not with me degrading myself like this. ha! but reali la.. im at my wit's end.. i really have no idea how to show them and get them serious.. how how how?! haix.. God is how i guess.. they have to experience Him themselves.. oh well....i dont know la.. im wondering if i am even connecting with my members.. or do they see me as this crazy person that is in charge of them for like 15 - 30 mins during cell time on sundays and after that im not.. tsk.. i dont know..

Oh God help me..

long last short post

2007-04-17T04:51:00.000-07:00

its been almost 20 days since my last post.. and well i guess i've been pretty busy the past few weeks.. 2 weeks ago church 24/7 prayer week.. was really good..i took a few slots and all i have to say is that God really dealt with me.. still is i guess as i have told so many people.. i have so many issues i dont know what to do sometimes.. but i thank God that He does. all for the glory of Your name. heh.. thats my prayer.. and i guess God does remind me that i have to look for Him and not the feeling.. the spiritual high.. the presence of God and the approval of God is more impt.. heh. and on the second day of staying over.. or is it the third? no definately second... wait.. im not sure.. crap.. anyway oh wait it is the second. yea it is.. ok.. yea.. it was really not too good.. friday night and the night after i was refreshed.. well sorta refreshed.. in the process of maybe? bt ya.. sth happened.. painful memories.. and worse of all i dont an still dont know what to say to the people involved.. like what do u say when something like that happens right? my goodness.. i really dont know la.. i wish i had an answer to that.. and my goodness.. i never realised the amt of jealousy that is in the church.. heh.. that incudes the jealousy i have.. why cant i be like this or that person.. haha but i thank God that He is pulling me through and that His grace is enough. ha.. and i find that God is dealing with me in more than one way as well.. He seems to be cleaning me up i guess? like how u have to scrub a burnt pot to make it shine again? it takes time.. and it hurts.. but i find that thankfully He has helped me to be not so jealous with certian situtions that i wld be really jealous about and well some things that i would have definately been more angry with. oh lookie here.. i've gone typing so long without breaking a pragraph.. i can just hear the angry tags on my board saying that i write too much and dont break the paragraph and make it difficult to read

fine i'll break but here's to all those people.. bite me! i dont have much to talk about anyway.. well maybe i do but thats reserved for the other blog.. ha..

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wa lao..

2007-04-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

i honestly have no idea as to why im doing what im doing right now.. nothing.. and i mean NOTHING in my life is even remotely going or resembling the way i shld lead it or the direction in which i should go honestly.. sometimes i dont even think i should be doing what im doing.. and i feel as if.. ai ya forget it.. i dont want people to start questioning what type here as well.. having someone that questions all i do once is enough.. heck its not like anyone reads this bloody thing anyway

i've had enough

2007-03-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

you know what? shut up.. realli just shut it.. i've had enough of telling u stuff that falls on deaf ears and enough of saying things that no1 takes heed of.. so just shut up..im reali not gona bother with arguing with u anymore..u can go do what u want to..and stop bugging me really..its starting to piss me off and maybe i'll shut my mouth too. there's a limit to my tolerence and maybe this is it.. cos i jus dont care or want to care anymore.. oh and yes i know u think its you but is not its sum1 else dont be paranoid.

on a brighter note.. adventure camp was fun.. and very leechy.. which was good too.. leeches are damn nice..i know alot of people that will disagree but i think they're cool.. the sleeping conditions at that place wasnt tho.. goodness how do dry beds in the morning turn into damp beds at night!? its impossible la.. and the toilets were worse.. stupid plastic holes in the grnd.. what do they think it is? sunken bath tub ar? wa lao.. give a flush at least la.. and it wouldnt hurt to replace the holey matteresses right? goodness its like 190 per person.. how much does a matteress cost? and i know there's such a thing called sentimental value.. but i draw the line after its riddled with at least 11 years of piss stains. goodness..the food was ok.. but the living conditions.. my goodness.. it was like every room had a stained bed la.. at least 1 wet bed when we moved in there.. these people shld really invest in adult diapers or sth man.. goodness me.

now for the march 15th incident.. thats a thursday.. 2nd day of the camp.. not that i was pissed off or anything but my thoughts on what happened is simple..if ur not happy with ur grp or person jus tell la.. dun sulk like an idiot..

finally it seems recently i've picked up a huge string of nicknames.. from despick to delfick to taufick to misfit to surapong to atapong to xiao wan.. ok i draw the line at xiao wan.. u can call me alot of nicknames and i wont mind..but dont u dare change my gender.. i'll kill you.. promise.. and here's the thing.. if u call me nicknames ur officially giving me the go ahead to call you nicknames as well. so dont get angry if i find a suitable one and start calling u.. this is not a threat nor an unhappy statement.. its jus sth that im saying so i can be clear with every1 that decides to call me anything. if i call you nicknames u have the go ahead to call me nicknames as well cos i dont believe in double standards.. in the same way if u start calling me nicknames be prepared for me to give u one as well.. thats about it..

lately

2007-03-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

ok so right.. its been quite awhile since i blogged.. but im nt sure what to blog about.. well i guess nth much has been happening la.. well ok fine.. alot has been but thats for another entry in another place.. anyway i guess i've been affected by some things going arnd me lately.. all this mortality you know? kinda makes u pray even harder.. also i think that maybe its me.. i duno. i think that sometimes i bring all this kinda things upon myself. kinda funny how the brain works eh? and then there's the problem of my attitude towards some people.. as in like how its changing. i dont know.. i mean we say that they are the ones changing but in actual fact.. could it be that we are the ones that are changing? i dont know. or is it all because we are going into unfamiliar territory or stepping out of the comfort zone when it comes to simple things.. maybe right? i mean like so many times its us that you know like things the way they are.. and when a little change is introduced into it we get uncomfortable and start to say the situation or the person is changing? well i dont know.. maybe im just overthinking things.. like i usually do. i dont know la.. as in like i have a tendency to do that. get overly worried.. overly anxious and overly everything.. but like i told kaimin that day.. after awhile i just feel like not caring about anything. is it that bad? i mean if i do i get myself into trouble.. but if i dont my morals wont stand up for it. that now begs the question.. for example. if someone shows me attitude do i not care? or do i confront the bugger and give him/her a piece of my mind? if i do confront him/her the person usually ends up crying/cursing me n so on and so fourth. other people get involved and overall i get into trouble.. mind you that i only confront the person after he/she has given me attitude on many occasions. people that know me well will know that i will try to say it out nicely (ahh yes i can hear the scoffs now) to them and not confront them first. only after awhiile do i do that.. anyway if i just dont bother and dont care.. i wont be able to live it down.. maybe its all my self righteous attitude? but i believe that especially when authority is involved or when its a friend of yours or simply when the person is not doing anything to you. but as i said.. maybe its just me. i dont know how to handle these kinda situations well. i guess i never have cos i always let my emotions or should i say anger get ahead of me.. as someone wisely put it across in the most subtle ways.. i can be a real jerk when im being straight foreward. i dont know la.. maybe i shld just wipe my hands off all affairs that dont concern me directly. that'll probably make alot of people happy.. i dont know.. i really dont.. i guess i was more right when i thought when i told my cell that i had more issues then all of them.. i really do have alot. sheesh..

who cares

2007-03-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

well as you can see there have been a few changes to the blog template.. there's a new link to aunty gloria's blog.. its good stuff.. u guys shld go read it.. also the tabs have changed to sth brighter.. if anything just to annoy you people who like things nice and dark.. or those of u that ike things to be easily seen.. and well lately i just want to thank God for helping me through my accounts exams.. which was surprisingly easy.. or it cld be the fact that i actually started to study way before 4 hours before the test.. but i'll o with option number 1.. cos i was able to understand alot of it when i studied it on my own.. anyway its cool.. and secondly i guess i just want to thank God for my grp.. they've been abit more responsive lately.. and with all the free time i have now... im really bored.. so i go running more.. and just ran twice today.. anyway i've gt nth much to type so i'll just slack off now..

back

2007-02-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

ok so im back to blogging again.. not that any of you people read this crap i call a blog.. ha but in anycase im too lazy to blog about chinese new year or stuff that happened.. its pretty basic.. went visiting and stuff so there.. well i guess the thing that i can really blog about is what happened yest.. i mean it was realli good la.. God practically picked me and pointed to me the things i've promised him and such.. and as i said to my grp yest.. i have so many issues it amazes me as to why i am put as a cell leader.. and i guess God has his purpose.. in any case i dont think i have much im jus blogging before people come and ask me to update.. see the oxy moron? you dont? well ur slower den i thot u were..

disgusted

2007-02-05T01:13:00.000-08:00

you know what? im disgusted.. utterly disgusted.. at how my parents allowed that to happen.. now they just gave her a new weapon to use against them.. and best of all they got all soft on her again.. they keep saying that they'll deal with it.. ya right..they've been saying that for YEARS.. i dont see a single thing being done.. well to heck with it.. i dont need this stuff.. all that saying and yet they're still soft on her.. i've had it.. i give up.. you officially have my white flag.. cos it doesnt matter if i talk to them or not.. they still go about doing it the same way.. they say understand her.. ya right how much longer.. i refuse to keep giving way to her and give her the mindset that everything must go her way and if it doesnt the world hates her and that everything people do to her that she doesnt like is just to spite her.. well she can continue thinking that for herself.. i am not going to care anymore..

so much for my calling to serve full time.. yea right.. i cant even get my family straight..

Lips of an angel

2007-02-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

hrm.. here i am again.. posting.. well i actually am not sure what im gona post..but recently i've been better.. i mean i had a great chat with Ivan the other day.. one thing i've learnt.. be still.. im still learning that.. yet in the midst of all this peace.. i feel.. un settled.. its strange really.. i mean i feel peaceful.. as in in my heart.. i do.. but yet at the back of my mind.. i have this naggin thoughts.. and well this feeling of impending doom.. its quite a horrible feeling really.. like the feeling that someone's following you down a cold dark alley.. or that feeling u get when u enter a really dark and silent part of your school at night alone when ur having camps.. no not fear.. this feeling extends beyond fear.. as in.. i dont feel fear.. i feel.. a strange feeling that something bad is going to happen..

its really quite freaky come to think about it.. i remember the last few times i felt it.. bad things happened.. the most memoriable was one morning i was shocked awake by this feeling and the next thing i knew my mum came into the room and told me that one of my aunts had just passed away the night before. freaky.. its the truth..heh.. now u know why im so screwed up sometimes.. ha.. but in anycase i thank God..there has been this song that has been ministering to me alot.. lift up your eyes by planet shakers.. i dont know.. everytime i hear that song.. it just reminds me of how God is so holy and that we have to be holy for He is holy..

I see heaven before me, angels passing around me. Here i stand in awe of your beauty, captured by your holiness.. just imagining it brings a smile to my face.. imagine being the the nicest place you've ever seen.. feeling peace and love like you've never felt before.. that must be heaven.. imagine standing in His presence and knowing that He knows you and loves you.. and that He has chosen you..the first 2 sentences of the song already shows me that.. standing in awe of the beauty and magnificence of God.. imagine that..

Lift up your eyes ALL of heaven to worship.. it says all of heaven.. not just part of it.. but all of it.. i dont know.. when i hear that it just makes me go wow.. heaven is a place we cannot even begin to comprehend.. but it says all of heaven will worship.. means every being in heaven will worship.. angels rejoyce and the clouds will be filled with the wonder of Your name.. the wonder of His name.. the very person that died so that i may live.. to worship the King of Kings.. wow.. rejoycing and worshipping.. its sth i want to do all day.. i mean i try to but just wow.. it must be very great knowing that you can just worship God all day.. train of his robes fills the temple with glory.. to me this phrase is beautiful.. i dont know why i guess its cos i remember that every bit of God is marvelous, glorious and wonderful.. even just the train of His robes.. the part that is behind Him and He walks.. even that fills the temples with glory.. indeed He is glorious.. heavenly host fall before Him in worship crying holy holy holy is the Lord God almighty.. once again.. all of heaven falls before Him in worship.. what can i do but say wow? what can i do but bow down and worship Him now? someone that has the WHOLE of heaven worshipping Him..decided one day to come down from heaven to die for us.. and all our sins. paying the ultimate price..

i know that this sounds alot like what many people say during easter and stuff.. but being still has really shown me this.. brought me back to the basics of my faith.. if He can leave heaven to come down just to pay the price for me.. who am i to doubt? who am i to even think that He cant pull me through anything? even now as i type this my heart feels immense peace.. immesurable joy knowing that God, someone that has the whole heavens in His command. someone that could just as easily have demolished this earth and re-created it into a perfect world again decide that He cared.. He loved and decided to come down and pay the price for the ones He loved. wow.. all i can say.. wow..

i'll be the first to admit that i'm not worth saving..i probably dont have a little bit of Good in me.. but i know that the good that people see in me is the work of God in my life.. i know that because i used to be a very horrible person.. the older ones will know.. but God decided one day to roll up His sleeves, stick His hand into this grimy world, pick me out of it and start cleaning me.. of course i still insist on getting myself dirty sometimes.. but He always cleans me again.. and for that i am thankful.. it's still a work in progress but get this.. He cares.. for me.. and if He does care for me.. you can be extremely sure that He cares for you.. no joking.. He probably already picked you up and is cleaning you right now.. you just may not know it.. heh.. who am i talking to? well.. any1 reading this.. i know God cares for everyone.. heh.. this sounds like some textbook thing people write down when telling others bout God.. but u know what? its the truth.. as i have said.. this blog is about what i feel and everything.. so i dont write stuff i dont feel or believe..

ok i think thats it for now..

There's nothing my God cannot do!

quite exasperated

2007-01-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

well today was fun.. i mean its been a long time since i was able to go out and just talk and laugh and be myself.. its really nice for a change.. heh.. but den again.. there's still been stuff i've been thinking about.. i guess sunday was good la.. it helped me alot..God spoke to me.. and i guess that it was what i've been looking for.. i've learnt to start to let go..yea.. i've been trying too hard and its time for me to let go la.. i mean like.. there's no point holding on? yea.. oh well.. the time has gone? yea.. it has..

oh well at least i think that my life has been better the past few days? yea.. its nice la.. i mean like the amount of things that have been going on in my mind.. well they seem to have lifted abit.. and i guess sunday really helped.. but i still am struggling..the struggle s quite bad at that.. its been going on for months.. i guess i've been getting more irritable.. its gettin real easy to irritate me.. and you know.. i feel really bad about it.. gosh i mean people say im too nice.. about stuff that happens.. i let it slide and everything.. yea yea i know some of you reading this are going "what?! you nice? dont make me laugh" and yea i tend to agree with you people.. i dont really see why people say that.. i guess its like what edwin my classmate in sch said the other day.. you dont really know what goes on behind closed doors.. and i guess its sth thats my point exactly.. i mean if people really knew what i did, what i think and everything.. i guess almost every1 wld shun me.. no kidding..

oh well.. thoughts are thoughts la.. and i guess thats what this blog is for right? for my thoughts.. the day im not able to write what i feel down on this blog.. the day this blog has lost its purpose for creation..im pretty glad that i still can write what i think and feel here.. i mean of course some of it is censored in the sense that i dont use the real words im thinking in my head. but still it doesnt change the meaning behind each and every post.. as for it sounding too crappy or emo or whatever it sounds like.. its how i feel at the point of each post.. i guess? im nt too sure la.. i do know however that finding time to be myself and just laugh and talk and stuff has been quite hard lately.. its not anything la.. its just that with all the stuff that has been going on.. i'm being "forced" to switch frm one mode to another.. when im at the range i have to be serious and train.. when im in church i have to be the person that ensures stuff goes smoothly.. when im at home i have to be on my guard against funny stuff that can happen.. i guess in that sense im seeking the attention of others.. not God's sth that God told me to stop doing on sunday.. but its difficult as well la.. and i guess i dont really find much time to be myself cos.. well i dont have people to be myself arnd..

look at it this way.. i cant talk or laugh with myself now can i? maybe that what the saying no man is an island really means.. well at least when im on the roof i can still talk to God.. heh.. it wld also explain the well worn part of the roof that im usually on.. but yea.. recently finding people to really talk to has been quite hard.. i guess it explains the reason for all these long posts lately..i find that i needa get stuff off my chest more frequently.. so yea.. but u know.. sometimes.. i feel really empty... and i guess thats where God comes to fill it.. but yea.. i'll b the first to admit that my walk with God isnt doing too good.. sometimes i cant feel Him..and all these stuff thats been going on lately.. all these problems.. i guess its been driving me away as well.. heh.. i long to just be able to worship without inhibition.. lately thats been quite hard for me.. with all thats been going on.. i find myself thinking alot more.. which i guess isnt that good.. but still it gives me more insight into the stuff i've been going through..

i guess all thats left is a longing to find God and experience Him as i used to.. and i guess its time now more then ever to seek Him eh? to those people that have been talking with me and letting me rant to them about all the problems i face.. thanks.. really you dont know how much it really means and helped me through these times.. and yea.. just by trying to make me laugh or smile or anything to just try to cheer me up.. it helped more then you know.. a real blessing.. cos well.. God has chosen to bless me through you all.. admittedly i have not been the best christian lately.. my goodness i dont think i'd even qualify as one the stuff i've done lately.. but still there is God's grace right?

but yea.. i dont think i've been a good cell leader either.. i guess i've been too distracted lately with all that has been going on in my life.. sometimes i wonder why im even the cell leader.. i mean i know God put me there for a reason.. but still.. i see so many others that can do a better job than i can.. i mean by looking at the other cell leaders and how they do their jobs... its quite plain to see that they are doing well.. i mean.. i know they face their own problems too but somehow they are able to push it aside and do their job well.. for me.. i guess im a much more emotion based person.. the way i feel is the way i will do my job kind.. when i feel bad or lousy.. i tend to be so obsessed with my thoughts that i dont do well.. as such Emerald suffers.. and lately i guess Emerald has been suffering alot under my leadership.. if u can even call it leadership..

wow.. this is turning out to be quite a long post.. thankfuly for those of u that are determined to read this post through.. im almost done.. think.. but anyway back to what i was saying.. Emerald suffers under my leadership.. and frm what i see there are many others that can do a better job.. no im not touting for praises here.. im serious.. looking at how the people in JYM has grown over the years.. i know and can see that there are people that will do great things for God and for JYM.. people like marcus.. i mean he's someone i can see as the future chairman of JYM.. i guess this may have sth to do with my self esteem as well.. but its sth that i have to work on la.. oh well God will provide i guess..

finally i guess i just needa find myself again.. find the way i worship again.. the true essence of worship.. is when your whole being - every fibre.. ever cell of your being is crying out for God.. the true essence of worship is not in the lifting of hands.. not in the sound of your voice.. but its in the cry of your heart.. worship is the outcry of one's heart soul and spirit yearning to exalt, glorify and honour the living God.. and there was a point where i felt that.. a point where all i did was crying and seeking out for God.. this huge hole i feel right now i guess is sth that can only be filled by God.. through finding myself and losing myself in God at the same time.. losing myself in the worship of the living God.. but finding myself and my purpose in Him and learning from him.. being dicipled by Him.. i still have a long way to go before i am ready for full time ministry.. but i will get there.. cos God has called me there.. worship is the outpouring of one's heart using any physical means to bring glory and honour to God.. be it singing, serving, dancing, even welcoming someone into church or comforting a brother or sister in Christ when they need it the most.. thats worship.. true worship is willingly bringing glory to God in all that you do.. actively wanting to exalt God through your actions.. now thats true worship.. and in that sense.. that is simply worship..

ok i guess thats all nth much left for me to say anyway.. i guess i'll be back in a day or two when my mind gets so full of stuff that i have to write it down or sth.. as for the theory on linking of blogs.. its going on pretty well.. i've yet to explore all channels yet.. but im sure it'll work.. will post the results when im done.. if i ever get done.. ok thats all..

rockstars

2007-01-18T06:31:00.000-08:00

heh.. online again posting again.. as usual. ha.. anyway for those of u that know what happened awhile back.. that which shall not be spoken of.. its over.. i think.. maybe.. but heck.. why wld u know? or what? actually im not too sure myself.. so anyway.. the past few days have been.. well to say the least un-eventful.. heh i won some sorta archery competiton on sunday.. well yea.. sunday.. i won the team event thanks to my great team.. heh they helped pull the team through the first round while i adjusted my sight.. anyway first place.. now how about that.. haha cos we all just wana be big rock stars.. part of a song thats now stuck in my head.. a song that will definately go into my top ten list under all that good stuff when im a little less lazy and decide to update my blog template.. thats another thing to the huge list.. first remove the irritating popup buttons that tell u about destination where.. second change the background to sth less flashy.. third update all tht good stuff tab, fourth possibly add a song into this whole blog.. and make it even longer to load.. fifth remove destination where flash.. sixth add new flash or image.. most likely to be an image since i probably cant do a proper flash to speak of.. seventh destroy this blog.. hrm.. thats quite a handful dont u think? well i do.. so who cares what u think

also.. i believe that my worst fears are indeed coming through.. but heck.. who cares.. im ferpectly fine as it is.. ferpectly clam.. i mean calm.. but ai yah.. i guess it was time anyway right? do everything turn turn turn.. there is a season turn turn turn.. hahaha.. and i guess that season is over? yea.. thats why la.. but in anycase.. i've been tryin to test out this new theory.. the theory i have is that u can go from one blog of anyone in Singapore that has a number or links to other people and from there somehow link to someone else u know that is totally not related to the first person.. i've been trying it out and so far.. im not sure of the progress.. will update on that later.. im trying to find a link between my classmate's friend that doesnt have a blog link to my classmate and also my classmate doesnt have my blog link.. and im trying to link that person's blog to someone's blog from church.. yes yes i know im crazy.. well go read paragraph 4 of the post that was posted two posts ago and leave me alone.. sheesh..

but in anycase.. i guess that the season really is over la.. and yea.. acceptance is the next step.. heh was nice while it lasted tho.. but yea.. lax grandpa.. the world's not over yet.. may come soon.. but not yet.. yeap.. ok i think im done la.. i've gotten what i need to off my chest.. cya arnd grandpa.

bloody hell

2007-01-13T04:31:00.000-08:00

im really not gona care.. fine i wont.. talk about sth else.. my mind's a whirl now.. i think that i shld go for a spin.. -spins around on rolly chair thingy- get it? whirl.. spin.. get it? ha.. fine.. you dont? well go read paragraph 4 of the last post.. yes you heard me.. go read.. and again and again and again.. now.. im just gona let my hands flow like i did on the last post.. well im not in the best of moods now so i warn u it may not be a good post.. well maybe it will? i'm just gona let it slidee.. like my cousin's pee down the slope of a playground slide.. its just gona flow down.. or out.. depends on which side u look at it from.. flow out from my cousin or down the slide? either way its still gona flow.. flow flow flow.. like how my hand tends to flow over the keyboard..u know what.. i dont feel like blogging.. and call me emo.. i dont care.. you all have no idea..seriously.. and finally go read paragraph 4 of the last post.. and read and read and read

verbal diahorrea of the brain

2007-01-10T04:48:00.000-08:00

ok.. so here i am in church on a wednesday, i just finished the long forsaken work that i had to do for school and waiting for the singers and musicians to finish with their music prac before i can keep the stuff so i think i shall blog and rant about nothing in particular.. as of now i have no idea if this is going to be a long or short post so if u are wondering if it is going to be one of those god forsaken long posts that no one bothers to read or the short post or what have you kinda post.. ur guess is as good as mine at the moment.. right now im just letting my fingers fly across the keyboard typing whatever that comes into this head of mine that some say is more dirty den the cess pool.. but well that would be Brian talking now wouldn't it? haha let me warn you all first that if u cannot stand random stuff and if u detest the way my brain works.. please do not read this post.. yea that'll scare off most of you..

now that the rest of u are brave enough to continue.. let us begin.. oh and anyway have no fear because when i feel that a specific paragraph gets too long.. like the previous one i will of course be nice to your eyes and start a new paragraph.. well.. this is to my own decernment and because i hear many people saying that this blog is very long winded that it would put their mothers to sleep should they read it.. here's something for u.. SKIP THE POST! well now that we have gotten rid of that little problem i shall continue with this rant of a post which you could also call random to the most which i would think is no little boast.. sorry my brain got a little carried away for a moment there. well lets see.. throughout the cause of the week i've realised the massive amount of free time that im supposed to have is all a facade because it's riddled with unseen and might i add under the belt hits of project meetings as well as un-seen consultations with my tutors.. but do u see me complaining? no.. well yes cos here i am on this blog typing it out that the massive amount of free time that im supp- - ... uh yea u get the picture.. it prevents me from repeating half this paragraph. dont get me? read the second half of the paragraph again.. and if u still dont get it.... READ IT AGAIN LA.. u think after typing all this out im gona repeat it again ?!

anyway distractions came in the form of lawrence, ryan and kennY and so on and so forth so that totally ruined my train of thought.. so a totally new form or randomness will now show itself.. or will it? maybe my own randomness is one kind and will always be like that.. hrm.. i have no idea.. so lets just continue blogging and see how it goes shall we? ivan just said that he must know that this is my newest blog entry.. this is apparent because he's right next to me and just said it to me when i told him that its my newest blog entry if he has to know.. he then said he had to know so now he knows.. cool right? like alright! ivan's besides me now rattling away to kaixin the names PS Henry requested or suggested go for youth alpha.. ha.. this is random.. i really am talking funny stuff.. ivan is talking to his phone.. again... as in seriously.. talking to his phone.. he looks at his phone and goes.. "eh whats wrong with you?" so he really talks to his phone.. nice.. right.. he's now talking to joel pang and rattling the names to him.. same as kaixin.. well cept the names of course.. but same thing la.. you get the picture? no? abit too bad..

now i know what you're thinking.. this person is crazy.. very crazy.. now here's a question to you.. now if im crazy then why are u sitting there on your butt on a nice comfy rolly chair.. or not.. it cld be the floor.. well same thing.. ur still on your butt reading.. i doubt ur standing.. cept the fact that when u read this you might stand up just so that i'd be wrong.. in that case you'd have proven my point.. wait.. on the side point before i continue.. ivan's going home now and said .. "wah sian ar.. school tomorrow" bye bye ivan.. anyway back to the main point.. the main point being if u think im crazy and ur sitting there on your butt reading this.. and you've read until this point.. u're crazier then i am.. and if u stood up just to prove that u wernt sitting down.. well u're crazier then i thought.. right.. so much for that

now.. i've recently realised how much time has crept up on me.. not only in terms of friends and everything.. as in like one moment ur here the next moment ur there.. wait that didnt come out right.. one moment ur close to this person the next ur close to another.. well i guess im just gona be happy to have been close to this friend or that.. or maybe its my fault that i didnt go and talk to them? i mean im usually close to this person or that cos i talk alot.. maybe its me eh? hrm.. i duno.. doenst matter tho.. i guess what matters is the fact that i was once able to be a close friend to them? ha.. well im sure i have alot of close friends still.. soo i think i'll just be happy.. ok rubbish aside.. i relised how much time has crept up on me because.. well my education is going by in a blank.. a flash i mean.. its like.. wow so much so fast.. in feb all my classmates will have graduated.. and well me? i'll still be at school cos of a certian incident that made me stay back for one semester.. well arguably its was my fault so i'll b happy.. for now? heh.. adrian just finished transfering songs to my ipod... 200 new songs woo hoo! heh thats a record.. thanks man MR A! 7 years! woo! anyway i think i'll take my leave now and blog in about 20-30 minutes

5 - 10 minutes later..ok fine so i lied.. im still in church its almost 11 and im still here.. well at least music prac's done.. actually its been done for quite some time.. just that MR A left some stuff and we have to wait for glenn to come here.. he's pacing around quite nervously.. hrm.. anyway enough of that.. im talking to miss poutyface online.. well i have for quite some time already.. but in anycase.. lawrence commented that i use alot of dots.. well i do dont i? hrm.. this is turning out to be quite a long post.. well long.. very long.. very very long.. and u get my drift.. if u still catch no ball.. den two questions for u.. 1. why are u still reading?! and 2. read what i talked about 2 paragraphs ago.. was it 2? maybe it was 3? after scrolling up i conclude its 2.. oh.. and dont waste the effort to scroll up and count.. i assure u its two.. and if u really did scroll up to count.. well read that paragraph again.. well at least read the point of the paragraph.. and if u've read until here and only started to think what i said in the beginning of the paragraph that was 2 paragraphs ago.. let me reitterate the main point of paragraph to you.. in BOLD..oh it turns out that it was really 1 question and 1 statement with a really weird loopy point with reference to the paragraph written two paragraphs ago.. my bad.. and if u dont know what im talking about with reference to 1 statement and 1 question or for you particular ones.. one question and one statement.. re-read the paragraph.. this one.. if u have by any chance re-read the paragraph.. this one of course and still catch no ball.. well let me refer you to my favourite paragraph.. paragraph 4..well thats food for thought aint it?

hrm.. food for thought.. thats quite an intresting phrase dont u think? personally i like food.. as many of you.. or none of u considering this amount of randomness and crap that has come out of me would be enough to scare off and bore all but the sturdiest and most resistant to randomness people i've seen.. well done on making it this far.. but well as those of you who have survived this far will know.. i love food.. i eat alot.. which in itself is surprising considering the size i am right now.. i think i have worms in my stomach or sth.. thats a thought mind you not a fact.. anyway kudos to those who have indeed made it this far.. its not easy.. especially with me rattling so much.. its sth i do every few months...i think.. well maybe longer.. but it has been held in too long now and i need some release.. writing is a good form of that.. anyway food for thought.. ah yes what a glorious phrase.. it combines the two things i do most.. eating food and thinking.. so.. maybe my thoughts need food too eh? food for thought get it? ok maybe you dont.. refer to paragraph 4 i'll be back in 20-30 minutes..

finally after 20-30 minutes.. im home.. home on the hard floor of my second level using the only internet connection i can.. my house one.. i think im just about done with all this randomness..i think.. and though many of you may not agree with it.. i think its something i needa do once in awhile.. my brother is getting weird.. always demanding hugs.. like wth.. go find sth to hug la.. hrm.. seems im not done with randoming yet.. hugs.. weird thing i say.. sth that can make u feel completely safe if done by the right person but if done by the wrong person.. it'd be hell on earth.. trust me.. having my brother hug me IS hell on earth.. but on to other things..

now.. i know that alot of time has been wasted typing on this blog but i like it.. and well if i like it why would you not like it? get me? cos if u dont like it you wouldnt be reading it now.. well at least not up to here.. and if u are and u dont like it? well read paragraph 4 again.. and again and again and again.. cos i think u seriously need to.. as in really.. you do.. and i think i speak for me when i say its only me talking.. yes? yes.. good.. archery rocks.. and thats about all i have to say.. for now.. i think i'll prolly do this in a few months again.. nah.. archery rocks.. and i love the fact that i can now shoot pretty ok without hitting/ bruising/ mutilating my arm.. which is good.. anyway i think i better go sleep before secrets come out.. its what happen if i continue to be random.. and before i start revealing secrets.. i shld go off.. bye.. for now.. i know its quite funny because in the same paragraph i said that i'd go twice.. and now im still continuing to type.. and this makes it an odd 3 times that i said i'd stop.. so i think i better.. catch my drift? no? well then for the last time GO READ PARAGRAPH 4! dang it..

2007-01-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

well kenny lawrence and i have all decided to create our own little parody of while you were sleeping.. we all decided to do it in honour of jason.. and entitle it WHILE YOU WERE EATING..

anyway here's mine.. i played around with the words alot so u all may have to read the original song before you understand..

While You Were Eating

Oh empty stomach of ng song jun
Looks like another hungry night
Although you ate three bowls of riceits not enough for you to survive
And while you’re thinking what to eat
your stomach grumbles with its might
For your fridge is empty now
And your stomach will be empty tonight, tonight

Oh Ng song jun, what will you drink while you are eating?
pepsi coke or sprite?
will you even drink at all tonight?
Oh ng song jin, you cannot always eat for free
i know your stomach loves to go to burger King
you're always eating
you're always eating

Oh hungry stomach of ng song jun
Looks like another hungry night
your Father gave you his food some
The pork, the beef, the fish and rum
But you did not leave a thing, for your family that day

oh ng song jun, what did you eat while they were sleeping
your family awoke and they went hungry for the day
oh ng song jun, you will go down in history
As a person who eats too much onion rings
What were you eating?
what were you eating?

oh growling stomach of ng song jun Looks like another hungry night
though the food's so cheap and the drinks are free
you eat their mee and starve the children
And while you're eating in the dark
your stomach shouts for some more pie
For your stomach has not learned
that you should not eat so much at night, in the night

oh ng song jun, what will you drink while you are eating?
ice milo or bandung
or maybe you want teh tarik?
oh ng song jun, you always want to eat for free
but you must realise that there is no such thing
can you stop eating?
can you stop eating?

oh hungry stomach of ng song jun
Looks like another hungry night

haha all in the name of fun! im off..

like alright

2007-01-01T18:26:00.000-08:00

ahh finally time to post more.. after like a hectic yesterday where i went everywhere and did almost nothing productive.. watched a really stupid movie called school for scoundrels.. not worth the ticket price at all man.. its really a brainless show.. but in anycase lets get on with the real post shall we? as was mentioned in my previous post, this post is going to be or should be a long and boring one.. yes long and boring cos im gona try and give a brief or not so brief summary of everything that has happened in the past few days.. well 18+ to be exact. oh and one last thing before i continue, just in case i get any post telling me that the template is outdated.. i dont really care if destination where is over.. frankly speaking i like the flash and im too lazy to take out the pop up ads from the template and it will get taken out when it gets taken out. so there

now on to the rest of the post..

destination where.. well this is the first major production that was done in a few years and well i wasnt acting in this one.. instead i was doing props.. and though people said that i did a good job coordinating the props and everything i actually didn't do much.. justin did the whole set and probably the most i did to help out for that was to get the styrofoam for the train and paint it for abit.. the set was mostly done by justin and caleb.. many thanks to them for doing it cos if it were me that had to do it.. i'd probably not have done such a good job.. as for the props management.. all i did was secure the props.. the real person behind the props management was denise (the small one not the director mind you) i put her in charge of handing out the props and making sure that the props were accounted for and i must say that she rose up to the responsibility pretty well.. ok fine she did very well.. cos at the end of the day there were no props missing.. cept a few monopoly notes that well.. people chose not to return or were no where to be found.. in anycase that was for props.. basic thing is that i didnt do much and the people covered for me.. now i personally thought that the play was good.. i mean though the storyline didnt end with the main character gettin on the right train.. i thot that the storyline was one that many could identify with.. especially in the context of youth in singapore now.. in anycase.. i think that the cast did a great job.. now i know that this has been said alot of times in the various blogs so i shall now use my own points of view.. i think.. in anycase i cld really see that God was working in the destination where production cos the props were started late.. and well it was stressful cos alot of things props wise had to be changed last minute.. like for example the structure i tied had to be dismantled and was never built again.. but it still came in useful i think..

anyway still on destination where.. i had to take a paragraph break so it wldnt seem too long but anyway .. not only that.. it was probably the first time acting for many of our cast and dancers.. but it all pulled together well.. and it wasnt only the process of preparation for the production or the production itself that God's hand was seen.. God's hand was seen even after the production has finished.. i mean you can clearly see that JYM was more bonded after the production.. and stories about how the friends that were brought were touched and how back slided christians came back to God.. now that isnt the only thing good that came out of the concert.. personally for me.. this whole thing was something that helped me quite abit.. i mean it gave me a chance to start talking to people that i havent been talking to alot.. it gave people that were usually quiet a chance to show their talents and hearts for serving God.. and also it was a great encouragement to many others and to me.. i mean.. to see the dancers and actors come down almost everyday just to rehearse for the thing.. shows me how committed they are.. Kenny for example had work but he still came down everyday after work as tired as he was to rehearse.. at least thats how i saw it.. nadine at one point had both school dance and church dancing as well but still she came down.. blisters and all to help out.. these are only two of the many stories of commitment that were seen during the whole thing.. encouragement was everywhere as well.. like glenn said.. to see people huddling in groups or alone praying on their own accord for the production before the play started or to see people just worshipping backstage.. it was great.. also to see people that dont usually worship just worship.. pure un compromising worship.. if anything that was worth it.. that was what glenn said and i agree.. it really was great to see JYM bonding..

Christ and Co
camp itself was great.. it was alot of work.. but great.. and i can tell you after camp i was never so happy to get a hot shower ever.. but the camp was a great experience la.. i mean its a good thing..but when i first saw my grp.. i mean like.. aside frm hsin qin and gabriel.. i dont talk to anyone else.. much.. and well it wasnt really a group i was looking foreward to, to tell the truth.. but i must say that im glad i ended up there.. i mean i got to know people better.. and i think that through the games we bonded quite well.. esp the holland V ones.. which i think were very well planned.. but anyway i really enjoyed the worship most of all.. i have been quite dry the past few months.. spiritually dry that is and i guess in some way or another the worship really helped me.. it moved my soul again and i guess it really was a tool to bring me closer to God..it really was a great feel to worship and let someone else handle the PA.. now that i think most of the PA crew are confident and able to handle the sound and visuals well.. but one of the things im most thankful for is the chance to talk to siyu again.. i mean like its been really long since we talked and we had alot to catch up on.. plus i guess it was a good thing cos i really needed to talk and clear my head of all the stuff thats been going on.. overall i think it was good and guess what.. john pang was both my angel and mortal.. how coincidental.. hrm.. what else.. i guess overall i found camp really good la.. it helped me relise how much i value God in my life..

finally on to CHRISTMAS
christmas was very rushed this year.. had to do alot of shopping in like what? 3 days? its too rush for me man.. well the two presents im most happy about shopping for was ivan's phone and lawrence's weight gainers which ARE working! im glad to say.. but in anycase.. many thanks to all the cards and stuff i got for christmas! im quite happy about the stuff this year.. thanks to all who talked this year.. im abit lazy to write more now tho.. hrm.. i think i'll do one final thing la.. like last year i'll write a little sth bout the people who affected my life alot this year..

Joel Pang
ok joel... you've been my close or probably my closest friend since like what? sec2? so obviously you've had a great impact on my life.. heh ur like my conscience.. always asking me to check myself before i start doing something stupid eh? also u've been a great friend la.. i mean just being there to be a listening ear and give advice on certian situations that i found to be extremely aggitating to me.. thanks.. also as i wrote in the card i know that we havent been hanging out as much as we used to.. we gotta change that man.. missed the times we went night cycling and stuff.. heh thanks for being there man.. i really appreciate it..

John Pang
hey man its really great to see you opening up more and finding ur place in JYM.. its nice to see that.. i guess this year has thrown us together in more ways than one eh? but im glad for it man.. i've seen u open up more throughout the year and i must admit i thank God for that..

Kester
ahh kesman.. you've been a barrel of laughs you have.. and someone that has blessed me alot by being in the group.. i mean though you dont really talk much you're someone that has always taken our teases and helped the group bond in more ways than one. its been a blessing having you as a friend

Kenny
kenny, you've been a great person to mentor.. and also someone that constantly teaches me the aspects of good goal keeping! heh i'll be sure to work on it.. promise! and also you've been a constant blessing to me throughout the year.. im sure i've told u this many times.. but yea.. if it wernt for u i'd prolly not know many of my follys.. thanks brother you've been a blessing

Darren
Darren, this year hasnt been a good one for you yea? but you pulled through and thank God for that.. through all these situations and well it helped me learn to trust God more.. your faith in going through all these situations helped as well.. thank God for you brother

Ryan
Ryan, you've been someone that i cld always turn to when i need someone to talk to.. thanks for everything man.. especially during the trying times of this year.. its always good to know that there's someone there to talk to when i need it.. also.. you've stopped me from doing some pretty stupid things this year.. thanks i really appreciate it

Kaimin
Kaimin, although i only really got to know you in the later part of this year, i think that you've had a tremendous impact on me during the year.. like that time you pulled me back and talked to me about how i shld act as a cell leader and stuff.. helped me check myself everytime i wanted to do something.. also i really enjoyed the talks we had.. be it crappy talks or not.. yea.. thanks for the vote of confidence on me bing cell leader and all.. it sth i really needed to hear.

Adrian
7 years man mr A! woo! heh you've been a really great friend man.. always there to chat and everything.. also christmas shopping with you was one of the times i really kinda enjoyed shopping.. cos it was pretty funny the way we chose the presents.. haha but you're one of the few people i can talk to for both crappy and serious stuff.. and that is sth hard to find.. thanks man.. esp for taking all the teasing i give you. haha

Caleb
heh thanks for always looking out for me man.. i know as in every year we have our dis-agreements but im thankful for them.. cos after they clear ur i find myself respecting you a whole lot more.. thanks for having my back and thanks for teaching me some stuff.. rem we both have to work on controling our tempers.. you've made alot more progress than i have.. its an example for me.. thanks..

Ivan
as always ivan, you've been a great example for not only me but the whole of JYM to follow.. your willingness to serve and humility when it comes to admitting your errors is something i really admire and have learnt alot from.. thanks also for just being a friend and for being there.. always encouraging when im down and everything.. you've been a blessing man..

Jeremy
heh a barrel of laughs as usual! thanks for all the humor you have brought into my life throughout the year and for the times we talked about nonsense for the sake of it zengetsu o ba chan! haha thanks man.. i really have been blessed by you throughout the year..

Lawrence
heh meow.. haa anyway you're someone i find i can relate to very easily.. i dont know why but ur always the person i feel i can talk to very easily.. though we havent really talked bout serious stuff yet.. i feel i can really trust you.. heh continue to grow in God man.. even as you find your way and His will for you.. just know that you're someone i really respect cos young as you are.. you show a great deal of maturity when it comes to the more serious things like worshipping God..

Collin
heh.. i still have jack with me at this point in time! waha! anyway thanks for being a friend.. i love all the jamming sessions man.. heh.. i guess in a strange way it helped me build confidence.. and well thanks for just being a person i can joke arnd with.. its sth i really appreciate..

Glenn
heh.. every year there's one or two instances that i have to work with you.. but i hope it never ends.. cos basically i really enjoy working with you.. and thanks for always caring man.. u seem to be able to see when there's sth wrng with me and well.. ur always there.. thanks.. it means alot.. and really you're probably the reason why im still in JYM or in church.. you've constantly been a blessing and i really hope we work together more in the many years to come..

Pastor Henry
my mentor, thanks for always looking out for me and for pulling me aside when you see that there is something questionable about what i do.. it has helped me alot and helped me check myself before i do anything.. also thank you for all the talks that you have given me.. its omething that i really appreciate and something that i believe has helped me grow in both my spiritual life and maturity.. thank you

Nadine
heh hi mei.. im really thankful to have you as my mei.. basically cos you've been a huge blessing to me during the course of this year.. when i first got into the group.. i was wondering how i was going to be a cell leader cos almost everyone was quiet and didnt talk much..esp u.. lol.. but somehow we managed to talk and now heh.. well fine granted the past few months we havent been talking much.. but well thank you for always being there when i need to rant to someone.. and for talking when im feeling down and just need someone to talk to.. thanks alot! also you taught me the real value of forgiveness this year.. you know why.. and finally you're one of the only few people that make it really hard to justify my anger.. thanks

Dweneese
haa thanks dweneese for always being the person i can talk to when im bored or when im troubled.. especially in the last few months.. heh.. thanks for offering to listen and help when i was black faced and most people wld be running away.. and also thanks for the advice.. it really helped.. and though u think ur not much of a help and stuff.. u really are.. like how u rose to the occasion in destination where? i've really been blessed by you.. through all the laughs and all the advice and everything you have given.. thanks so much.. i owe you candy! haha

Aikang
heh mei ar.. you've been great fun throughout the year.. and you've always been there to sit next to me when u thot i was angry or sth.. and always asking me if its ok.. thanks for caring aite? but u have to takkare of ur self as well.. dont always be so emo.. its not good for you.. really it isnt.. but really thanks for being my mei,.. its really sth that i treasure cos well you've brought alot of laughs and stuff to my life this year.. thanks

Siyu
haa siyu are siyu.. you're always the one i disturb but ur also always the one that likes to disturb me.. but thanks for everything.. at last we get to talk.. at the camp, heh its one of the moments this year that i can look back on and treasure.. cos basically it was a great time of talking and gettin to know whats been going on again.. heh soccer boy eh? haa poor siyu.. dont worry there's better people out there yea? hahaha

Rachel
haa you.. always disturbing me.. but i thank God for you.. throughout the year.. you're someone i really enjoyed talking to.. and it still scares and surprises me how much we have in common.. heh its really been great having you as a friend and dont worry bout the two little things that arnt arnd anymre.. its really nt ur fault.. thanks for always being there for me to talk to.. also.. thanks for trusting me enough to share your problems with me.. it means alot.. esp since we dont meet up that much and stuff..thanks..

Joyce Tan
haa my assistant cell leader.. though you wernt arnd alot.. whenever u were i found cell time alot easier to handle.. thanks for all your dedication to the cell even though you were busy with your A lvls.. you're really someone i trust and throught the years of knowing youi must say you have been a blessing.. thanks!

AikHong
haa lao hong! heh well thanks for always helping with the PA and stuff as well as helping me out when i need help.. also for listening to me during camp and well for helping me regain my senses when i was so... well so me.. with the pride and everything.. also, your preserverence when it comes to certian situations is sth i need to learn from.. you've been a blessing to me.. thanks!

Jeanette
haa fathead! heh.. well you're someone i feel i always can talk with.. heh always getting disturbed by my brother but always taking it sooo well! heh.. anyway i really want to thank you for everything you've done this year.. the talks we had and stuff.. as well as for talking to darren.. in a way i feel u can relate to him better or he will listen to u more then he will to me.. but still thanks..

Gloria
heh.. this year you have helped me in alot of the times i feel really down and out.. always there with an assuring word and verses from God.. always there to help me through the problems.. its good to know that i have a friend like you that is looking out for me.. it helped me greatly..you've been a blessing

ok thats all ican think of for now.. i've been bloggin for a good 3 -4 hours alr.. i shall stop now.. i'll add more if i can think of any1 else..

-grandpa rick out-

quiet new year's morn..

2006-12-31T16:49:00.000-08:00

its a quiet new years morning and i finally found time to post abit.. well 5 - 10 minutes to be exact.. after that it ain't gona be very quiet for me.. December 2006 has been very hectic for me.. well hasn't it been hectic for everyone? but in anycase.. this is gona be a short but boring post.. when i come back it'll be a long and boring post..anyway dont expect a recap of what i've been doing the past 18 days or so.. my brain power just aint like John Pang's haha.. anyway..

its been a tough year for me.. a year where i've had spiritual highs and hit very low lows.. but you know.. sometimes it all just makes you wonder.. why go through all this? but then i guess when i was at my most stressed.. God helped.. He intervined..heh.. when i went to the camp.. not Christ and Co which by the way i thought was the best camp we have had for years.. but anyway i went for the LOCCC youth camp to help out in games and it was there that God sent someone to help me.. in the form of Kelvin. i mean that night i had some stuff going on.. family and everything.. and i just poured it out to Kelvin.. he simply listened and told me this.. the reason why we are called to deny ourselves and pick up the cross daily is because our standards are not as high as God's standards.. we have to give up what we ourselves want to reach God's standards..

immedately i got it.. it was like a hot air balloon.. they have weights to keep them low.. and each time a weight drops the balloon rises.. in the same way.. we have to deny ourselves what we want.. if we want to rise to God's standards.. thats what it means by denying ourselves and carrying the cross..each thing we deny ourselves to rise to His standards are like the weights in the hot air balloon.. be it giving up time to go to church.. or doing that little thing for your sibling or parents that you may feel irritated to do because you want to listen to music or anything like that.. in anycase.. we are called to rise to God's standards and thus to reach that standard we have to deny ourselves and pick up the cross.. because if we are able to reach God's standards by not denying ourselves, it would mean that our standards are as high as God's and that cant be right now can it? because God is so much higher then us. God has set the standard for all of us, and He wouldn't set something that is impossible for us to achieve right? He wont test you beyond what you cant handle..its just a matter of if we are willing to deny ourselves, carry the cross and follow Him.. anyway my 5-10 minutes are up.. gotta go for soccer.. post more later..

forget the world

2006-12-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

thats what i wana do now man.. just forget the world.. oh how i wish..
to be lost in the love of God again.. oh how i wish..
to forget the world

torment

2006-12-03T05:00:00.001-08:00

you see by now i think i shld be used to all of it.. but im still struggling.. hey.. im only human.. i still go through struggles.. how i wish i didnt.. but why oh why does it always seem like when everything's getting better something has to start caving in and start a chain reaction.. dang it.. i shld be used to all of this by now la.. it always happens.. dang things that i've been struggling with for months it always comes back.. always.. never ending.. simply torment.. heh.. they say time heals all wounds.. well its certianly taking longer then i expected to heal this one.. @^#(!@

i wish i had the world to see
to run around and just be free
and not care what others feel
to be myself and just be real
but thats not something i can achieve
i know its hard to even believe
but its damn true i have to say
i've not been myself at all these days
all this thinking is bugging my soul
turning my heart as black as coal
i feel uneasy when i sleep
when i close my eyes i weep
but hey i should be used to it right?
i mean why should this give me such a fright
its been like this for months on end
tormenting me around every bend
behind each corner and in each shadow
hitting me daily with each heavy blow
you're not at all good these voices say
all you ever cause is dismay
why do you think that people laugh
and point and say that you act tough
or say that you should act your age
and use this or that person as a gauge
its because they see that you are that
and you know its all a very real fact
take a look at yourself these voices say
take a look back at all your ways
what good have you done as of far
you're not even near the bar
but still you wont sulk because you see
you dont want any sympathy
wait a minute now that's pride
oh my this one thing you cannot hide
you prideful beast how mean of you
this pride in you my goodness its true
now you've done it you evil thing
how dare to God you even sing
shut your mouth now shut it tight
because you cant say anything right
thats why no one even takes
you seriously, you're a fake
this war goes on in my mind
it tells me stuff that i seem to find
from out of nowhere it all comes
i wish i'm now in God's arms
yea i know He's everywhere
and i know for me He cares
but its still so hard for me
because the battle rages constantly
and its not something that i fancy
i dont think its fine and dandy
help me God oh this i pray
only You can find a way
the battles rages even now
i gotta stop it now, somehow
but only God can help me so
to get me through my deepest woe
oh Lord my God i pray to thee
come again and set me free...

done with work

2006-11-27T05:29:00.000-08:00

ok im finally done with work.. after 3 long months.. i cant say its been boring or anything but i think it was a pretty good experience.. its a pretty good place to work in too. but i guess at the end of the day its all ok la..heh i know i keep saying stuff like working life sucks.. but.. lol its all just complaining for the sake of it la.. its actually a pretty good experience.. as i have said before.. im nw pretty lazy to go through the whole thing.. but i'll go as far to say that its sth i'd do again.

ok now on to other things.. i just got my new bows.. yeap its with an S.. i got my recurve on saturday and my compound today. heh..anyway its real nice! and i guess i gotta train more to draw it well but so far i think im doing ok..

hrm.. im actually not sure of what to type right now so i guess thats all..

thursday

2006-11-09T03:17:00.000-08:00

ok im back.. and FINE i've changed my background for the posts.. wah lao.. little bit of colour all of you complain.. anyway its been pretty monotonous the past few days, my boss is out of the country leaving me to pretty much survive on my own.. i think.. yea correct.. survive on my own.. anyway.. its been real good la lately.. i mean like God's been speaking to me and such.. still wish it didnt hurt as much as it does tho.. but heck what can i do right? so ya lor.. jus bear with it

in related incidents, im hoping to start workin on the props soon.. really soon.. i dont have much time.. but ya.. i hope i can have enough people to help in making the props.. especially the train.. in anycase.. if ur from SJC and ur reading this.. which i dont think many of you are.. not many read this blog anyway but still.. please help with props.. lotsa stuff needs to be done.. ahh.. now what else.. oh yes.. there have been a few updates to the blog template again.. basically me writing more stuff down and adding more links.. including waiterrant.net which is a damn good blog and damn well written in my opinion.. also.. ai yah basically i think my life is abit happier la.. abit.. alright.. nth much to blog now.. cept this.. WHO IS THE IDIOT THAT GOES ARND PASTING PHONE NUMBERS TO MY MEI'S CLOTHES.. WANA DIE ISSIT?!

alright im off cya all and God bless!

hrm.. 1 mth without posts

2006-11-03T18:30:00.000-08:00

aite now that the new blog template is done and a new tagboard is up.. and plus the fact that now im nt too busy with work due to the fact that i just completed my book review on peak oil just awhile ago.. (ask me if you dont know what peak oil is i aint gona write it here) well basically im just gona try and recap all the stuff that happened during the month.. good to me doing that.. heh.

well lets see the month was pretty much a monotone of work and coming back home.. with the high point of the week being archery and going to church.. going to church tops it of course.. anyway in archery on my 3rd lesson i managed to split an arrow..heh well not really split it la.. but its cos the draw poundage i.e. the strength of the bow string was too low so the tail of the arrow just got slightly split.. heh. anyway church has been good.. i always loved church.. its always been the high point of my week.. and this year, my birthday so happened to fall on sunday. wasnt much of a big deal tho.. my birthdays usually arnt big deals.. heh but i guess it was all good.. many thanks to Ryan who was the first dude to wish me.. i was bought a latex brain by Ryan, Kenny, Kaimin, Kester and Darren i think.. looks like they think i needed one.. oh well Jesse saw it and went "oh finally you have a brain!" thanks alot ar.. anyway i guess its all good la.. and yea.. people remember your birthday and people forget but you know.. i think its alright.. i mean i dont remember alot of people's birthdays so i shouldnt expect people to remember mine.. besides, many people did.. so im contented.. happy in fact.. heh.. led worship yesterday for connect.. i had a good time.. heh i hope the connect people did too.. was my first time and yea.. was very nervous.. i dont know the reaction of the people but i guess i'll jus let God handle that aspect.

ok now on to the serious stuff.. this month has not been without struggle..haix.. its quite horrible actually.. but i guess its God's way of teaching me that i shouldnt run ahead of Him. His plans are bigger and better then what i could ever imagine i guess.. but still.. its a struggle.. i mean like.. you keep preparing yourself for sth.. and you know that it may very well come.. but when it comes.. it hurts.. and yea.. no matter how much you prepare yourself for it.. it still always hurts more then you expect it to.. worst part being that it hits very close to home.. and it reminds me of the promises that i made to God.. and as much as it hurts.. i guess its God showing me.. reminding me of my promises.. i told Him that i would follow Him.. and that i would let Him be the guide..but instead i guess in the recent months, i've put so much pressure on myself to perform.. so much expectation.. and i guess i totally lost sight of God and what He wants me to do.. thats the danger i guess when you get so caught up in what you're doing that you fail to see what God is saying to you and you assume that you are doing the right thing just because you say you're doing it for God. then you dont stop to listen to God and charge full speed ahead.. taking things head on and trying to do everything on your own. when you hit the weeds then you turn to God and ask "God isnt this what You want me to do? why is this so hard and why arnt you helping me?" but the fact of the matter is that it may very well not be what God wants you to do.. you just THINK it is..

and then you start to seek after the approval of others.. i'll be the first to admit that i do that alot.. i mean like.. there are so many people that i seek approval from.. honestly.. and sometimes when you see the disappointment in their faces.. its so.. well lets just say that it isnt nice la.. but i guess lately thats also what God's been saying to me.. why am i constantly searching for the approval of men when i should be concerned only about the approval of God.. and then it hit me some time during the week that.. i seek the approval of men because i personally cannot physically see God..and because of that, its very easy to forget about Him because you dont see the disappointment on His face and stuff..1 day later something else hit me.. i can feel God.. i can feel when He is pleased and when He is disappointed.. immedately i repented.. for so long i've been seeking the approval of others and not God's failing to see the true meaning of serving God and letting Him lead the way.. God spoke and told me that to let Him lead the way i have to listen to Him, seek His approval.. not that of others, another thing is this self righteous attitude i have..always looking at the way people do things wrong and criticising them when i fail to look at myself..thats certianly not seeking God's approval.. i am a sinner but God is perfect.. seek not the approval of men for it is passing, the approval of God on the other hand is everlasting. thats what God has been teaching me. i thank God for teaching me like that.. i guess i have to learn more..by listening to Him and letting Him lead.. not jumping the gun.. I love You God.

sometimes i wish it wasnt so painful though.. i mean physical wounds heal fast.. compared to wounds inflicted on the heart and emotions.. you could go a year, two even three years after someone broke your heart and still feel very raw in your heart.. i duno la.. i mean personally God healed alot of me after my breakup. on monday, it was exactly one year after i broke up and well..i was thinking and i wont say that i dont miss being in a relationship.. i mean like.. having someone to share the times with you is good but.. i was glad that it happened..without it, i guess i wouldnt have grown so much closer to God.. cos well the whole thing made me realise that God is really healer.. during the course of the camp last year God showed me alot.. helped me open up more to people, helped me draw closer to Him. God also showed me that contrary to what i was believing at that time.. people do care.. i do have people that would come and help me at the drop of a hat.. amongst other things, God helped me mend a broken relationship with pastor Henry.. God showed His love through pastor Henry.. instead of P.Henry saying "see i told you it wouldn't last" he was there for me instead.. there for me to talk to and there to advise me and help me.. i guess it was through the break up that God showed me how much He cared for me.. people like Brenda, Uncle Tard, Ivan, Pastor Henry, Joel.. i really thank God for them.. but most improtantly i think that God showed me that no matter what happened, He is always there for me.. waiting for me to run back to Him and that He will carry me through everything.. thank You God.

finally i just want to say that even though i've been through alot, i know that God is always there (yes i know i've said it at least twice in this post) but it keeps hitting me how i proberbly would not have been able to survive if God wasnt there for me.. let me just leave you all with this last point la.. im nt sure many of you would have read till this point but yea.. last point being that of a song.. its one of Pastor Henry's favourites i think.. If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders, I know my brother (or sister) that He will carry you. thats the point.. and i believe its true.. yeap.. my song of the day for today is - redeemer from the new planet shakers album. aite takkare all and remember that God wil be there.. He will come and save you!

on the last day of september..

2006-09-30T04:33:00.000-07:00

dammit im damn moody now.. stupid brain.. keep thinking.. dont know when to stop thinking.. wth la.. its always been liddis.. everytime i start thinking on sth.. ESPECIALLY THIS TOPIC i always end up thinking for like months.. and i hate it la.. it always gets me more stressed.. and with the demands of work.. this is NOT what i need right now.. my goodness la.. wah lao.. if you dont like to hear people talk alot and keep saying stuff and ranting please do not read this.. im nt gona change what im writing cos u guys are reading it so if u dont like it dont read it.. i have enough problems without you people coming and telling me to shut up.. dont come if you dont like it.. now to all THOSE PEOPLE shut up.. all of you before you say anything JUST SHUT UP! i had enough of your sarcastic remarks.. enough of you people rolling your eyes.. enough of your comments! lemme tell u sth.. you may say those things to me and i may not react but say it to anyone else and you get yourself into trouble.. dont think just because you people seriously have an attitude problem man.. you think its damn funny to just cut a remark at people lidat la.. what the heck is wrng with you all.. ESPECIALLY YOU! you think you're the only one with problems la? you think that just because you're going through something that not many people are that everyone has to give way to you and give you attention issit? you think that jus because you want attention u can get it at someone else's expense? lemme tell you this.. i aint gona give you that attention.. and if you continue like that.. just try.. you'll really see me angry.. you wana see what the face of an animal looks like.. just continue.. push me summore.. i gurantee you you'll have nightmares.. you wana know what real biting comments are as well? just continue to push me.. i've almost had it with being nice.. with being mr smiley.. people just walk all over you. its like a lose lose thing.. i try to be nice and people walk all over me.. i dont be nice and people start to say im violent.. well lemme tell all of you this.. if you push me over the edge.. dont expect me to look back at you and smile nicely.. i may not do physical harm to you but you can bet ur bottom dollar that i'll scare the living daylights out of you.. and if you really make me angry.. i am NOT RESPONSIBLE for whatever happens to you... im serious..

no random comment today.. im pissed

-a very grumpy grandpa rick out-

after one and a half weeks.. i post the post that i wanted to post for over a month...

2006-09-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

its been a one and a half weeks since i blogged.. and actually i've been wanting to post this now for over a month.. just never found the time or the mood..its all this tinking i've been doing lately actually.. and i feel pretty sure that not many people read this blog anyway so yea..anyway even if people did.. i dont practice self censorship.. so read all u want these are my thoughts..

well actually what im really gona write about is all the thinking i've been doing about my future.. its pretty scary to say the least. it all started with a certian joel chan's statement during connect.. it had something to do with respecting no just the member of the opposite gender that ur with or in a relationship with but every member of the opposite gender..that way you are sure to respect your future spouse when the time comes..that just got me thinking la.. i mean in the way i treat them and stuff.. even to the strangers on the street.. do i really respect them? then came the dreaded realisation.. i dont.. no so much the stuff like what i see on the internet and everything .. but more my thought life.. my impressions and views of certian girls or types of girls.. for example..walking down the street i see sum1 with a miniskirt and fishnet stockings.. almost immedately my mind thinks "oh look a hooker" or sth along that lines.. thats not respect.. or in my class when this really irritating girl tries to be nice and stuff.. im thinking to myself.. "what the heck is she doing la.. she's just trying to be nice so that people will forget that she didnt do her work and give her an ok grade for peer evaluation" i dont stop to think that she may genuinely be trying to fit in.. and just write her off immedately.. or other girls i know that act a certian way that just pisses me off or rubs me the wrng way.. i find my self having little or no respect for them.. in other words.. treating them more like objects or liabilities then children of God or creations of God.. yes i do admit that at times the wrong types of thoughts enter my mind and i have to constantly remind myself that i cannot think this way and that its not right and pleasing unto God and repent.. but at the moment.. i feel that i still treat some girls like objects.. things that you can just toss aside and ignore.. much like how u ignore the stuff that you dont need at shops.. having no respect for them..

this is something that im struggling with.. and yea.. i guess this is something im learning from la.. as in like.. i always thot that i had a certian measure of respect for a girl no matter if i've met her before or just met her or if she was a complete stranger to me.. but after thinking through this whole thing.. i realised that i dont.. there are some girls that immedately draw no respect from me..and honestly i think that how the person presents herself plays a very strong part on my impression of her and the amount of respect for the girl i have up front.. as in like.. if the person presents herself as someone that is spoilt or someone like very ah lian-ish.. the respect immedately goes down.. and its something that i have to work on.. goodness me.. i guess this is one of the reasons why i cant get into a relationship.. unless and until i can learn to respect all or at least most types of girls without judging them or treating them like objects.. well i guess i gotta trust God and trust He'll bring along the right person when the time is right..

i think its best lidat la.. dont want to get into a relationship and then face another breakup or sth.. no thanks ar.. twice is enough for me.. and i guess that when i learn to respect girls in general.. then i'd appreciate the girl that i would get into a relationship with all the more for who she is..the things she does for me and so on.. and i'd respect her all the more for who she is as well.. not who i want her to be.. but who she really is inside.. that to me is important la.. i guess i wana fall in love with the girl for who the girl is inside.. like how God loves us for us.. not how we look or how we act ya noe? well i guess i'll let God handle this and i'll just be obedient and wait for Him to show me.. yeap!

Random Comment of the day :

Knowing Christ Died ---> That's History
Knowing Christ Died for Me---> That's SALVATION

- Grandpa Rick Out -

wah super long time since i blogged man..

2006-09-10T05:55:00.000-07:00

well its been a very long time since my last update.. heh one week i think.. but its nt my fault.. i actually dont have much time to update now.. cos of work im nt home alot.. den of course theres the little problem of not having much to blog about.. yeap.. i mean what can i blog about the past week? nothing much.. cept that maybe its a good thing that im going to work.. it helps me to appreciate God and the people alot more.. i mean it helps me to appreciate the amount of time i spend.. like the amount of time i spend with my friends and so on.. like seriously.. there's nothing better then just hanging out with your friends after day's work.. also.. there's so much going on around you in the office.. and its like cold as well.. anyway.. that was pretty random.. but yea.. one thing i learnt is that in the stillness of the office.. cos im like the only intern there and stuff.. its easy to do your work as well as worship.. my boss is nice as well.. he lets me bring my laptop and stuff and lets me listen to music as well.. so its all pretty good i guess.. anyway the week of work has been pretty energy draining.. but i guess its all good..

another thing that i guess i shld blog about is today.. sunday right? well we had street evangalism using the 2WTL and i must say that im proud of Kester.. i was with him and he was saying we shld go and try this person.. or that person.. and stuff.. and he managed to share the whole thing with a person.. sum1 that was easily late 20s to early 30s.. i was just there to help explain some stuff and read the verses.. i didnt need to do much explaining.. kester really did a good job.. yea.. it was clear and the drawings were well drawn.. then of course there was worship.. e3 worship and jym worship spoke alot to me.. it wasnt so much the technical issues or the sound quality.. which was in itself pretty good.. in fact they were good.. but what really spoke to me was how you can see people just worshipping.. when they just close their eyes and worship.. the real meaning of worship..

like during connect on friday we were talking bout worship, like what is the true meaning of worship.. i duno la.. i mean to me worship is just the heart.. the pure un-adulterated longing of the spirit for God.. the ever reaching hand that stretches out to our creator.. longing to worship Him.. longing to embrace God.. worship to me is much more then just the singing.. its much more then the lifting of hands or the jumping.. worship is your heart.. its what your heart is doing WHILE you are jumping.. while you are lifting your hands.. while your mouth is singing.. what is your heart doing? i may be wrong.. but to me.. the true essence of worship is in the heart.. you need not be singing, or dancing or jumping or lifting your hands.. all you need to do is to honour God and focus on Him with your heart in what you are doing.. its no point jumping and singing and lifting your hands to God when in your heart.. you are thinking of something else.. it becomes empty.. its like a husband going to his wife and saying "i love you" but doesnt mean it in his heart.. how then can he say he loves his wife? just because he said it verbally? yea.. worship is more then the physical.. worship transcends to the heart.. the soul.. the spirit..

i want to live my life as my worship unto God.. i know that i am far from it.. so many things i do.. things i lack.. i guess i just gotta take it one step at a time.. before doing anything i just have to stop and think.. if my life is a worship unto God.. will i honour Him with what i am doing? heh.. this week.. in just 3 days.. well actually 2 la.. if u dont count saturday.. God spoke alot to me about worship.. and then during JYM.. we did heart of worship.. and now thinking about it.. its true.. more than a song.. more than a song.. and yea.. its your heart that determines your worship.. when you're doing something you dont normally like to do.. just tell yourself.. or tell God.. "God im doing this for You.. this is my worship unto You.." and just praise His name and you'll find that you can turn even the smallest things into a time of worship.. a worship from the heart.. a worship unto God..

heh.. well i made this during e3 today.. cos i was so overwhelmed with what God was speaking to me.. the words just flowed..

my worship to God

if all you actions were your worship to God
how differently would you act?
would you shout for joy with all your heart?
or be ashamed at what you lack?
how diferent would your actions be?
what difference will it show?
would you still just act the same
in the name of Him that knows?
sometimes i feel torn between
the things i do in life
because i know the things i do
cause many people strife
if my life were my worship to God,
my heartfelt praise unto my Lord
how much more i'd give Him praise
how much more my voice i'd raise
but it'd be more than just my singing
it'd be more than praises i'd be bringing
my actions would be my worship to Him
no longer would they be done on a whim
in every little thing i do
my God i do it unto You
for more then just my life alone
my God i give you my heart's throne
my Lord help me in all i do
help me live my life for You
all my thoughts and all my actions
will be of You and not of distractions
Lord my worship unto thee
will be my life of which you are the key
so take my life my Lord i pray
draw me closer to You each day
keep me and hide me in Your arms
that ever more i'd feel your calm
Lord to You my life i give
and evermore for You i live

heh.. God is great.. anyway ima off

random comment of the day : if i had wings.. i'd never walk..well almost never

-grandpa rick out-

ok finally back..

2006-09-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

haa im back.. and as promised, ill do ivan's blog quiz! haa.. but first.. lemme type abit bout why i was gone.. abit bout why i was gone.. < --- ok typed it.. haa.. ok fine.. a little lameness never killed any1.. anyway.. exams were arnd.. so i had to study and stuff.. which was pretty tough.. but i tink God pulled me through everything.. heh.. plus i started work on friday! heh.. gettin paid pretty well for it too.. and the people in the office are all very nice people! yeap! i think its gona be pretty good there.. heh anyway praying that God helps me through anything that happens during my internship and that i can shine His light to the people in the office! heh.. ok i know u guys are bored with all this sooo.. ill start with the quiz

List down 20 people, and then use your iPod to answer the question meant for that person.
What will 1's future boyfriend/girlfriend be like?

What is 2's secret?

What will 3's life be like?

What will cause 4's doom?

What can 5 do to make himself/herself happy?

What's 6's theme in life?

What does 7 wish for the most?

What does 8 think of Derrick?

What's 9's most common habit?

What's 10's favourite word/phrase?

What does 11 think about his/her life right now?

What would 12 do if he/she had a million dollars?

Does 13 think he/she is good looking?

If Jesus came down to earth tomorrow, what would He say to 14?

What's 15's lifestyle?

Is 16 in love?

What does 17 hate most?

What will Derrick do to 18 in the near future?

What will 19 to do Derrick in the near future?

What does 20 think about this quiz?

Ok, now it's time to think of 20 people.. for arguement's sake.. lets take 20 people frm my tagboard.. ok fine im just lazy to think ok?!

1. YiAnn
2. Brenda Goh
3. Carina Maria Maat i.e. Jia Yin
4. Collin Kam
5. Denise
6. Hui Juan
7. Ivan Chan
8. Joel Pang
9. John Pang
10. Joyce Teo
11. Kai Min
12. KennY
13. Kristen Kiong
14. Kester Kiong (added this tho he doesnt have a blog)
15. Lawrence Kam
16. Si Yu
17. Nadine Foo
18. Phoebe Sng
19. Rachel Ang
20. Sarah Ho

oooookkkk... now for the songs! ok fine.. i know some of them are not on tho they're frm my tagboard.. but those are the people i dont reali know well..or u guys wont know well.. i think.. anyway onwards with the songs! songs will be played on my itunes cos my ipod cant support that many songs.. plus.. its spoilt.. which is the main reason why it cant support that many songs.

Q. What will YiAnn's future boyfriend/girlfriend be like?
A. All she's got (sum41) hrm.. they're gona b poor..loL!

Q. What's Brenda's Secret?
A. DanceDance (fall out boy) ooh.. she dances! not really a secret what..

Q. What will Carina's life be like?
A. always have, always will (avalon) ?! hrm.. lets see..haa! she always has been and always will be a maid! LOL

Q. What will cause Collin's Doom?
A. Brain Stew (greenday) LOL collin's gona die frm eating brain stew!

Q. How can Denise make herself happy?
A. Lifestyles of the rich and the famous (good charlotte) i swear this is at random! haha
Denise has gotta be famous to be happy! lol

Q. What is Hui Juan's theme in life?
A. My Direction (sum41) LOL juan's theme in life is perfection.. thats her direction! lol

Q. What does Ivan wish for the most?
A. How does this feel (Avril Lavigne) haa.. ivan wishes for us to feel something.. we dont know what tho..

Q. What does Joel think of Derrick?
A. new skin (Incubus) soo... joel thinks i shld get better complexion?

Q. What does Derrick think of John?
A. Who am I (casting crowns) hrm.. i think John who i am?! hrm.. strange.. but ok.. lol

Q. What is Joyce's favourite word/phrase?
A. Nobody's Home (avril lavigne) hrm. so shes often at home alone? lol

Q. What does Kai Min think about his life right now?
A. Year 3000 (busted) haa kaimin thinks he's in the future! either that or he thinks his life is like the future

Q. What would KennY do if he had a million dollars?
A. Free (hillsongs) hrm.. he'll give it away for free?! haa!

Q. Does Kristen think she's good looking?
A. Welcome to my life (simple plan) hrm.. if we look at the lyrics of the song.. then no.. other
than that i cant think of an explanation for this one.. lol

Q. If Jesus came down to earth tomorrow, what would He say to Kester?
A. This is how we overcome (hillsongs) ooh Jesus is gona teach Kester to P.U.S.H Pray Until Something Happens.. most likely for his soul mate eh kester? dont worry we all know who that is.. LOL

Q. What's Lawrence's lifestyle?
A. Strange Dawn (unknown artist) hrm.. so he likes to watch the sunrise? lol.. Lawrence.. JYM's new S.N.A.G Sensitive New Age Guy!

Q. Is Si Yu in love?
A. The Party Song (blink 182) ooh.. haa Si Yu is in love with parties! either that or people with green eyes and long blonde hair that dont wear -- uh nevermind..

Q. What does Nadine hate the most?
A. Hell Song (sum41) hrm.. so she hates hell! haa good on ya nadine! means ur gona go to heaven! lol

Q. What will Derrick do to Phoebe in the near future?
A. Champagine for my real friends real pain for my sham friends (fallout boy) uh.. this one just makes no sense.. either im gona give her champagine or pain? lol

Q. What will Rachel do to Derrick in the near future?
A. Annie - Tomorrow (Disney) wait.. so what IS she gona do to me tomorrow?! gosh.. the suspense is killing me!

Q. What does Sarah think about this quiz?A. Freaky Friday (Lindsay Lohan) HOW DID THIS SONG EVEN GET INTO MY LIBRARY OF SONGS?!?!?! anyway.. i guess she'll do it on a freaky friday? lol.. ok at least most of the answers make sense..

ok.. heh.. finally done.. i had a good laugh at some of them! lol. anyway im off.. its pretty late.. oh yes random thought

Random thought of the day : (taken from ivan during connect.. im thinking about it now so it IS a random thought) If the different denominations in the body of christ are like notes of different values.. cults would be counterfit money!

i've been tagged.. goodness the things i do for fun arnd here..

2006-08-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

1. Do the following WITHOUT complaints
2. Choose 5 people to do this after you have completed yours
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Current Mood: lulled into a sense of indifference
Current Taste: chilli! i guess.. nice chilli
Current Clothes: blood stained t-shirt and blue shorts
Current Desktop: as in? the table or the computer desktop? my table is super messy with notes now.. and my computer has some cool picture of a flash flooding river
Toenail Colour: not coloured?
Curent Time: 1841
Current Surroundings: on my bed.. fuzzy carpet to my left with a nice beanbag chair and hammock etc and to my right my balcony with another hammock
Current Annoyances: managerial accounting and exams.. goodness.
Current Thoughts: am i realli being a good influence to my cell members..
First Best Friends: moses frm pri sch (no we did not wander in the "desert"(the nickname for our school soccer field cos it was so sandy) for a very long time..
First Crush: as if i'd actually say it out on my blog..
First Movie: the first movie i can remember watching in an actual movie theatre was ace ventura
First Lie: haha i think it was a lie about sum1 biting me or sth.. super long ago duno why i can remember this stuff..
Last Cigarette: me no smoke.. haha
Last Drink: lime juice.. made frm the big bitter limes or sth.. nt too bad actually..
Last Car Ride: home from suntec the NUS guild house or sth.. had dinner there with my family to celebrate my sis's belated birthday
Last Crush: read above..6 questions above..
Last Movie: haha ok nong nong ago.. uh.. i cant really remember actually.. i think it was superman.. bout 1 mth ago at least..
Last Phone Call: hrm sum1 looking for my maid..
Last song played: Lift Up Your Eyes - planet shakers.. great song, one of my favourites its playing now actually..
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: dont think so..but your gf/bf is supposed to be your best friend too rite? so yes?
Have you ever broken the law: haha in more ways then one..
Have you ever been arrested: never.. questioned yes.. arrested no..
Have you ever skinny-dipped: what for.. got nth to show off.. haha
Have you ever been on TV: goodness i hope not..
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: haha no way..

5 things you are wearing: glasses, blood stained t-shirt, blue shorts, dont think you wana know my underwear too rite? uh.. crap.. only four.. uh thats realli it..
4 things you did today: watch tv.. study (yes contrary to popular belief i do study), blog, chat with my bro on msn
3 things you can hear right now: incessiant alert on yahoo messenger accompanied by the occasional buzz, ants biting away at nothing in particular in my antfarm, Lift Up Your Eyes on i tunes
1 thing u do when you're bored: think.. alot

5 pple: uh.. i duno.. the next 5 different taggers on my tagboard i guess?

ok so much for that.. heh my mei made me do that.. heh been a long time since i saw her man.. bout 4 years? heh .. oh for those of u who dont know.. (which i think is almost all of u) its alisha frm superteens.. uh.. the tagger named alz on my tagboard.. heh anyway.. its been quite the hectic week.. so much to study and stuff.. but still.. oh my ant farm is finally taking off.. they are kinda burrowing so yea.. its all good.. heh i think.. anyway im pretty bored now so yea.. too much studying is making my brain cramp.. haha well random stuff to say is that im pretty sure all the ants in my antfarm are gona boom soon.. but im not sure how they are gona start a new colony tho.. there doesnt seem to be a queen. but heck.. anyway nothing much to say anymore.. cya all..

Random statement of the day : if what you see is what you get.. then when i see something that i dont get.. does it mean i cant get it?

-Grandpa Rick Out-

mid week

2006-08-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

aite im midway thru the week and so far no pains what so ever frm the monday/sunday incident.. which is a good sign.. God is good! heh.. anyway nth much to update so far cos basically its the last week of sch and the students (us) and the lecturers / tutors are quite lulled into the end of term mood.. i.e. nth to do just slack.. for us its study la cos exams are arnd the corner.. soo for the severe lack of things to say and since i already am logged in and typing.. i shall once again close my eyes and type the first thing that cmes to my mind.. hrm.. lets see.. i went to queensway on tuesday with kenny.. got a few shirts and bought an ant farm (ants not included) so i had to catch 25 - 30 of my own ants.. (they were he realli big type with stings so i tht a colony of them growing wld b nice) but they still havent started burrowing yet.. doh! its been like 2 days alr.. but aiyah the book said it wld take 2-3 days.. guess my ants are slow.. anyway..at least they're nt dying.. heh they're eating the gel that is supposed to be for them to eat/drink and tunnel in.. so i guess at least that part's right.. but they are pretty big ants.. bout 1cm each.. maybe 1.5 cm.. but yea.. its quite fun to see them walk arnd.. heh anyway lets see..

hrm.. i guess for some things i cant do much but put my trust in God.. i duno la.. i feel that at least for this situation..all i can do is trust God and let God work.. be it thru me or thru sum1 else.. but the thing is that this situation is affecting quite alot of people.. its getting people frustrated and angry.. and thats whats starting to bug me too.. haix.. i wish la.. i wish this situation was solved.. but i guess this is how God chooses to let us learn to trust? i duno la.. mayb its all me. heh..

well at least i can say that im glad my cell is still pretty bonded.. i mean like i know stuff has been happening but im glad that the cell is still pretty much close.. i mean i hope the start to see it as their cell too not jus mine or sum1 else's cos jym is every bit theirs as it is mine.. i want them to claim the ministry as their own ya noe? ah well God will make a way.. heh

thats all for now i guess.. i know this isnt as long a post as my previous few.. bt i realli dont have much to post.. so im off!

random statement of the day : if water melons were blue on the inside instead of red alot of people wldnt want to eat them..which is just as fine to me cos that wld mean more watermelons for me..

-Grandpa Rick Out-

There's NOTHING my GOD CANNOT DO!!!

2006-08-14T05:33:00.000-07:00

im finally awake after being aslp for so long during the day.. reason why? i didnt get any sleep last night due to intense stomach pains.. but in all this i have a great story to tell about how my God is merciful and how He came to my rescue.. but first lemme refer all you readers to this song..

My God, is big
So strong, so mighty.

My God's, plan for me
Goes beyond my wildest dreams.
My God, is good
He's so good to me.
Yea, so good to me...

My God, is big
So strong, so mighty.
My God, is good
He's so good to me.

He's my God, and He is my refuge.
He's the rock on which I stand.
He's my fortress,
God, He is my life.
He holds the oceans in his hands...

My God, is big
So strong, so mighty.
My God's, is good
He's so good to me.

He's my God, and
He is my refuge.
He's the rock on which I stand.
He's my fortress,God, He is my life.
He holds the oceans in his hands...
He's my God, and He is my refuge.
He's the rock on which I stand.
He's my fortress,
God, He is my life.
He holds the oceans in his hands...

There's nothing my God cannot do!

He's my God, and
He is my refuge.
He's the rock on which I stand.
He's my fortress,
God, He is my life.
He holds the oceans in his hands...

There's nothing my God cannot do!

now for the story.. since bout 11 last night i started having quite the bad stomach ache.. but i thot.. yea it feels kinda normal..it'll go away after i sleep.. but soon as the time went on it became quite obvious that it wasnt a normal stomach ache..form a starting pain of about 3/10 which was bearable it increased to about 5/10 and those of you that know my treshold for pain, u wld know this is pretty bad alr.. when it got to 5/10 i realli cldnt sleep cos it was a constant pain.. like my stomach was constantly being pressed inwards with great force.. it hurt quite abit.. so i ran arnd the hse trying to find medication and ended up takin charcoal pills and magnesium tablets or sth lidat for supposed indigestion.. in the end the pain didnt subside and i ended up extremely giddy and with a 7/10 pain.. (giddy i suspect due to the medication) anyway when the pain got to a 7/10 it was about 4.30 in the morning.. i cldnt take it anymore and went to get my parents to bring me to the docs.. they took me to SGH and inside SGH they ran bloodtests stuff on me and even took X rays.. they also gave me a jab to help me cope with the pain.. after the jab the pain subsided to about a 4/10.. bearable but nt comfortable enough for me to sleep.. so they said they wanted put me into the observation ward until about 7am (it was about 5.30 at that point in time) i tried to sleep but i dont think i could have due to 2 things..

1. a 4/10 pain is realli uncomfortable especially when its a very consistant pain which jumps to a 5/10 every few minutes or so den subsides

2. there was this very crazy woman outside the observation ward lying on the bed cursing the doctors and nurses asking them to let her go home when she clearly wasnt well.. she was making alot of noise and kept scolding any unfortunate hospital staff (including the poor cleaning lady) to let her go home.. she was saying quite a fair bit of stuff.. jus that she kept repeating it, for example she said ok fine she screamed "doctor! please la lemme go home.. you all dont play with me la..you think i very free ar?" in the kinda voice that is like half crying and half screaming den when no1 paid attention to her she wld scream "YOU - words cannot be typed due to the explicitness of the content- LET ME GOOOOOO!!!! NOWWW!!!! I DONT CAREEE!!!!" this would continue for about half an hr before they took her to do some medical procedure. anyway back to the story

The pain continued at a consistant 4/10,all the while for some unknown reason, the song Big was playing in my head..until about 6.30 or 6.45, when the pain almost suddenly shot up to an 8 or 9 /1o it was excruciating.. and being me i didnt want to bother the nurses and stuff la cos mine is jus like a super bad stomach ache.. at that point in time i kept thinking.. crap this is so painful.. and all kinds of scenarios were running thru my head la.. like they find stuff in my stomach or like a stomach full of worms or sth la.. anyway the pain was so intense and didnt let up for a good 10 minutes..but somewhere during the course of that 10 minutes.. i realised that the song Big was still playing .. and i sang.. even as my stomach started tightnening and squeezing harder i sang out loud.. (not so loud until i was shouting but loud enough for me and i believe others to hear as well and hopefully i din wake the people up) "There's nothing my God cannot do! There's nothing my God cannot do!" and i believed that there was nothing he couldnt do.. and i just told God in my mind that i believe that even in the midst of my pain He's there with me and He will pull me through.

And almost suddenly.. the pain stopped.. it was like suddenly it dropped to a 3/10 den the next thing i realised it was 0/10.. completely no pain at all..God had performed a miracle.. in the midst of the most intense pain in the middle of the pain.. just as it got to its worse.. i felt my stomach squeezing and getting so tight that i almost couldnt breathe.. it stopped.. it released.. it was the kind of situation where u felt the pain could only get more intense.. and God stopped it.. Glory to God! and even now as im typing this.. i believe that God has taught me something important today.. that even in the midst of suffering.. in the midst of pain.. we can still worship Him.. we can still call upon His name and He will come.

Now im nt saying that what i went through is just as bad or worse then the people who suffered in prison and yet still praise God. nono.. but now i can safely say that i better understand that when all seems hopeless.. when it seems that things can only get worse.. God is there.. and i can now say i better understand why in the midst of all the troubles and pain people look to God.. cos what i went through today. when i looked to God.. He was my source of relief.. i can say now i better understand how it is to trust Him in all situations no matter what the outcome may seem.. cos God will make the outcome go His way.. i can see how people's faith are strengthed through hardships.. because when all we have is God in a difficult situation.. when our strength fails us.. when all we have done falls apart and all that is left is our faith and trust in God..we really decrease and let Him increase.. and let Him take control of the situation.. and He always pulls us through.. my God is Big.. and my God is Faithful!

another song just popped into my head and i think its very appropriate..

You Are So Faithful
Hosea 6:3

Like the sun, that rises every day
You are so faithful, dear Lord You are faithful
Like the rain that You bring and every breath that I breathe
You are so faithful, Lord

Like a rose that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, dear Lord You are faithful
Like the life that You give to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, Lord

I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away

And in the midst of the storm through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful
And when the stars refuse to shine and time is no more
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful, Lord

right.. thats the end of the post.. heh had to edit and add this last part first tho.. heh i forgot totally to say what i was diagnosed with.. apparently i ate too little or sth 0.o what happened was that my stomach and intestinal walls were contracting with such fervor even tho there was nothing to push along.. apparently its because my stomach and intestines are very used to the large amounts of food that i eat.. so when on sunday night when i din eat so much due to loss of appitite over certian things that had happened on sunday.. this happens.. moral of the story... eat more.. i need the weight anyway.. tho i dont gain the weight.. baah.. anyway yeap thats why.. nth much more.. hrm.. ok lemme start this new thing.. frm now on all my posts will have a random comment of the day thingy.. like so

random comment of the day : if we are what we eat.. im pretty much a garbage can

ok thats all for now

-Grandpa Rick Out-

God is good ! ! !

2006-08-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

well my event is finally over! super happy about that cos now means that i've got no more event = no more group mates breathing down my neck cos no more projects! i love it! heh ohh actually this post is meant to be one made in a very angry tone but God is good and settled it all for me before anything happened or turned bad.. thank you God! anyway its been quite some time since i blogged but i dont have much to blog about already..

sooo i guess i'll just type and see where my fingers lead me la.. God is good! i ran from Eunos MRT all the way home yesterday (sat) uh.. hrm.. im nt sure what else.. oh right on a slightly angrier note.. some people (not anyone in my family mind you) had better change their attitude if not its gona make me seriously angry.. i tell you they have no right to say what they say.. but heck la.. in the end i dont really have a right to get angry as well i guess? but i duno la.. oh i still believe that im being called to full time minsitry! that im pretty sure of. tho i know the road is gona be a hard and long one.. i will do it for the glory of God! hrm.. not much else.. just that im glad God helped solve the problem that happened just a few minutes ago.. God is really good la!

oh and finally i got this thingy frm kristen cos i was quite the kaypo and had to go comment on the post when she put it up.. on one of my irregular visits to her blog..

Reply to this by commenting (i guess in this case its tagging.. just say ME!! or sth to that extent la and if i post after this post like have some sense to refer to the date of the post so i understand what ur "me-ing" for) and
1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll challenge you to try something
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I'll tell you something I like about you
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog

ok have fun!
when i think about the wonder of our God
and think about all the things i've sought
and all the things that i hold dear
are worthless now cos He is near.

- Grandpa Rick Out-

dreams

2006-08-01T05:04:00.000-07:00

these dreams they haunt my sleep at night
and i cant stop them try as i might
never different yet never same
never dreams of money or fame
comming not so frequently
but still with such intensity
these dreams they shift the way i think
though in reality they dont really link
somehow i feel that my whole world changes
down to the way i look at strangers
it makes me all confused inside
in my heart where my secrets i hide
what could these dreams possibly mean
and why from my head cant they be cleaned
so confused inside my soul
as if my heart hasnt enough woe
my mind keeps thinking about all this
making sure that not a detail is missed
but why do these dreams keep comming back
is it trying to tell me of what i lack
i dont know at all one bit
and thinking about it is giving me a fit
my head hurts and my tongue's tiedbut worse is what i feel inside
oh woe is me for what i feel
but in my heart shall it be sealed
not for anyone to see
for no one shall know but me

baah.. dreams.. the past few months i've been having this recurring dream.. its quite what la.. i mean like.. its never the same..but its never different either..as in its always along the same line.. and usually features the same few people.. goodness la.. its quite the pain cos it keeps shifting my way of thinking.. just when i think that the dream is just a dream, another dream along the same lines pops up.. grrr.. haix.. i duno la.. its causing me to think waay to much.. goodness..i'd normally say these dreams are random but its happening with way too much frequency.. as in like just when i think its all random anothet one comes out.. along the same lines but somehow different in actions and setting.. so i duno la..

on the down side.. my brother's leaving tomorrow.. as i said 2 posts ago.. i think im gona miss him tho i gain a whole third story.. ah well.. God shall guide him.. and God shall be his protection..thats all for now i guess

-Grandpa Rick Out-

just goes to show

2006-07-31T05:05:00.000-07:00

ok thanks to kenny for this new blog template.. heh and in tune with his tag sggestion, ima gona try writing my posts in paragraphs.. or at least im gona do my best. wich is also the same as try.. so here it goes..

well firstly, and the man point of this post.. is that i found out that no matter how much one tries to change.. or at least in m case. people still think of me the same way.. and its not like they really know whats going through my mind.. they kist assume and think they are right.. im damn angry now la..i mean like.. what business do you have saying stuff liddis! my goodness.. do you know ME do you know my life and what goes through my brain when i do what i do?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME PROPERLY IN THE FIRST PLACE BEFORE SAYING SUCH STUFF!!!!! i bet you dont la.. saying this kinda things.. how bout when i find out who you are.. and see you doing something that looks like it i go and start accusing you of doing the SAME THING! hows that? my goodness.. who are you to judge me man.. fine i've made errors in my past.. but who are you to judge me on what i do?! WHO ARE YOU TO USE MY ACTIONS IN THE PAST TO JUDGE ME ON MY ACTIONS NOW?! what are u saying you've never made a mistake in your life before?! how would u like it if i use you past mistakes to judge you on your actions NOW bet you wont like it right? so STOP JUDGING ME!! and this post goes out to ALL of you that judge me in what i do now based on the actions i've done in the past as well.. unless you know me well i tell you keep your own stuff to yourself. and just in case there are any nameless taggers that are gona tag and say stuff to try and get me angry i have this to say to you.. if ur not gona reveal your real name dont waste my time.. i know you dont like me so just leave it there and keep quiet.

ok now on the the second minor point.. a short story if you will.. heh on saturday, a chinese kid about sec 3-4 tried to steal my handphone.. tried to snatch and run.. so i had to chase him full sprint for a good 300-400 meters.. goodness i was tired after that but i caught him and well.. lets just say the moral of the story is not to TRY and steal my handphone.. for those wondering.. no i didnt beat the stuffing out of him.. just took him down in 1 hit so he wldnt turn around and fight and then took my handphone and walked off.. see? i can be nice when i want to.. unlike how im feeling now.. anyway thats all for today i guess.. 2 points.. both not very pleasent.. well thats life..

-Grandpa Rick Out-

quite the ungodly hour

2006-07-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

hrm.. its qite the ungodly hour to be blogging dont u think? heh.. im pretty tired bt i cant fall aslp nw.. bleh.. anyway im closing my eyes as im typing now so dont mind me if some of the words are misspelt.. heh im nt sure what im gona type.. all i know is that im gona b pretty sad when me bro's gone off to perth.. i mean sure i get the whole third floor to meself bt its like.. gona b pretty quiet. and like yea.. he is my brother afterall ya noe? i grew up with him and tho he can b quite the huge pain in the butt at times, i know that hes one of the people that i can count on to watch my back.. yea.. haix.. rite now im nt sure what im doing.. im just letting my hand fly ver the keyboard and letting myself type everything that comes to my mind.. like how i think that some people's attitudes shld start changing and how i think that a certian group of peopl are just nt as close to me as they used to be.. but hey.. who am i to say anything rite? anyway i just kow that God does indeed love me.. felt it today during worship and stuff.. oh yes and GREAT JOB JOHN! he hosted the games today and i think that it went pretty wel.. tho yea we had a hard time keeping the crowd under control.. in the end i still think tht he did well.. haix. sometimes i wonder if theres a way to solve all the probs in the lives of the people arnd me and maybe mine as well.. i mean like.. so much is going on.. and i know tat God lets us go thru it so that he can teach us dependance on Him or th else.. but still.. its hard sometimes ya noe? i guess hats why im thankful for a few people that i know are always there for me .. i mean like if there's sth wrng.. there are only a few people that i wld think of calling and that i wld actually really go to for help.. but i duno la.. sometimes i feel like im intruding on their lives.. i mean they have their problem too.. and its nt like the world revolves arnd me or anything rite? so i guess thats why i dont reveal much.. i mean unless i really trust you and i know u knoe me well and stuff u'd prolly never get a call frm me or sth lidat showing that im troubled.. heh.. but those people actually know me so well that they can tell how im feeling just by reading a mesage i send or the way i look or the tone of voice when i speak..heh pretty cool stuff.. but still.. heh i duno la.. trying to let God guide me .. lotsa stuff i know i have to surrender.. but its tough la.. honestly i feel pretty tired.. i mean its like so much to do and so much effort u put in so that u can see that bit of improvement.. but then.. its like haix.. i duno la.. sometimes i feel its not worth the effort ya noe? like all that ur striving for is just like laboring in vain cos all tha happes is the situation or the person u work so hard on just falls back to his or her old self or the situation u worked so hard to solves just finds a way to scerew up by itself again.. yea u heard me.. it finds a awy to screw up itself.. i dont know why la.. i mean.. haix.. i guess this is really where i need His strength instead of mine la.. sometimes its so easy to say YES I WILL TRUST GOD!!! but when it comes to the crunch.. do you really trust God? i duno la.. its sth im still learning ya noe? i want to really trust Him.. to be able to say even in the midst of the toughest situations that i know God will make a way for us.. but my faith is small.. i feel like a hypocrite now.. as a cell leader i keep telling my cell members to TRUST TRUST TRUST!!! must TRUST GOD! but what about me? in situations like this do i really turn to God? i mean yea i do at times. but what bout the others? and here i am stressing that we shld all put our trust in God at all times and in all situations.. such a hypocite la.. haix.. i wonder .. i want God to use me to fufill His plan for me.. and i know im being called into full time ministry.. but.. haix.. i duno la.. sometimes i look back at all i've done.. look bck at my level of faith.. even now.. and i really wonder if when it comes to the crunch.. will i really take the step to go into fulltime? mean yea i really want to and stuff.. i've said there's no beter way for me to serve God then to serve Him fulltime.. but.. haix.. i duno la.. i guess i just dont feel worthy with all i've done in my life.. like.. so much..haix.. i really feel like a hypocrite now la..the more i think about it the more i feel like one.. i mean .. really la.. asking my cell members to have faith in a tough situation when i dont at times.. asking them to look to God for strength when i relise that alot of my school work and projects when i hit a problem i try to solve it on my own strength.. i feel so.. i duno la.. like im nt practicing what i preach lidat.. and like.. only when the situation is like cannot get worse and really no hope then i start to look to God.. is that the kind of Christian i want to be? no its not.. but i find myself doing that.. i want to be a Christian that depends on God even in the smallest things.. a Christian that looks to God to help me make all my decisions so that whatever i do i may use it to glorify His name.. and not mine.. thats what i want to be.. but looking at my life now.. im so far frm tht.. and it seems like haix... it feels like even if i were to spend years working towards that goal i may not even reach it la..ai yah.. i duno la..by the grace of God i will change slowly i guess. i gotta start depending on Him more to change.. and i guess i gotta do what i told Darren when i was mentoring him.. "You gotta let God change you.. its easy to say i want to let God change me but only when your heart accepts that you want God to change you then the change will begin.. only when youmean it with your heart will God then be able to come and change you" guess its time to practice what i preach eh? haix.. pray that God will bring me thru..

-Grandpa Rick Out-

my secret cosy corner..

2006-07-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

hrm.. i realise i've been spending more and more time in my secret cosy corner these few days.. esp at night.. i tell u its so nice la.. like there a nice breeze and u can just lie down and look at the night sky.. its soo nice.. and i realise that i tend to go there alot when i think.. i wonder why.. mayb cos its such a condusive place to think.. and to have like my computer playing music.. and letting it drift into my secret corner.. the one true place where i can find myself and God without distraction.. thank God! =) hrm.. ok i went to play pool with rachel yest.. was it yest? oh no.. it was monday.. haha well it was fun.. cos i ate fried mars bars@! super nice.. heh and yest i was sick.. again.. stupid flu.. hate it.. baah.. so much for the flu vaccination i took a few months ago.. anyway i've gt nt much to blog about.. and its nt like u guys read much anyway.. heh i guess thats why i can say so much here.. cos i know not many people read so its like more free for me to write what i want? haha.. but dont stop reading cos of this post.. its for people to read of course.. just that its nice to be able to write what comes naturally ya noe? heh.. anyway happy birthday to ivan chan! great party at spizzas bro! heh.. remind me to treat u when i get my paycheck! =) ok.. im just about done..

-grandpa rick out-

hello there my nightmare...

2006-07-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

hrm.. ok i decided to blog.. after much contemplation.. anyway its een quite a mundane week for me.. i guess all the rush for the projects and demands and overbearingness of the project has become quite nautral to me alr.. but still it wldnt b too bad for abit of a break now and then now wld it? ah well.. sick again right now.. been happening alot lately.. its quite bad.. =( hrm.. sunday was a good day.. i know that this evangalism topic is sure to change the lives of many people in JYM.. and yea.. im sure we all have people that we want to save for God.. truth be told.. even when it comes to me.. sometimes i cant share well..mainly cos of who i've been.. it sorta haunts me.. esp when it comes to my old classmates.. they still see me as the "old" me.. i duno la.. i really want to share.. esp with people like tian wen and yeong chian.. friends i know mean alot to me.. JYMers.. if ur reading this .. go for every evangalism sermon and pay attention for the next 7 weeks in JYM.. it really can change your life.. and others.. dont play arnd with it.. it has the huge potential to save the lives of the people you love.. to my cell members.. i hope you all took sunday's "test" on how well you are prepared to share the gospel as sort of an indication of how prepared we all are.. including me.. please pay attention.. and lets learn together.. also listen for the still small voice of the Lord as we all go about our daily lives it tells us what to do and how God wants us to do it.

now on a brighter side.. i wonder how it wld b like if homer simpson did the sound of music... it wld proberbly sound something like this...(sing in the tune of do ray me from the sound of music)

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer
Ray, the guy who sells me beerr!
Me, the guy who drinks that beer
Far, the distance to my beer!
So.. i think i'll have a beer...
La, lalalalala beer!!!
Tea, no thanks i'll have a beer!!
and that would bring us back to.. *looks at empty beer mug* DOH!

haha

aite im off

-grandpa rick out-

the past two weeks..

2006-07-17T02:12:00.001-07:00

hrm lots have been happening during the past two weeks.. hrm lets see what i can remember.. i know two weeks ago i went to SAV with a buncha JYMers to entertain the vietnam kids on monday... it was realli cool..the guys were hyper and the girls.. were uh.. shy? or at least thats what they seemed.. anyway with all that went on durin the church camp, all the memories that SAV brought back of the race camp were very much welcomed indeed.. its like.. so nice to remember stuff that happened.. heh

anyway i cant remember much of what happened during the week la.. i do remember having alot of work to do until friday and passing my driving theory test on friday too.. heh then i was at SAV again with all the COGS youth.. or at least most of them..and dislocated my arm.. yea.. wasnt as painful as i thot it was but the sound was sickk.. like a wet bone breaking.. yucks man.. luckily it was onli a dislocation.. i heard that lotsa times its usually the bone that breaks and not dislocate..oh.. i dislocated it at the elbow thats why..anyway serves mee right for falling the wrong way.. stupid mistake.. haha

ok.. then sunday was pretty fun.. heh i think my cell is getting better and more bonded.. im reali happy that God put me as the leader and reali proud to b the leader of that cell man.. God has realli transformed it.. its quite amazing.. anyway, cell time was fun and i had to do games with jeremy.. the vietnam kids came to stay over the weekend.. khanh and my (pronunced me) both of them were like really shy la.. but on sunday.. they were both .. *talk talk talk talk* and u can imagine la.. so i had to take care of em and another 3 girls 2 of which were nadine's wards and 1 was aunty jennifer's ward.. soo it was pretty messy la.. running here and there.. they ate chicken rice.. alot.. they seem to love it.. i duno why.. ohh and my can play the piano really well.. heh.. wonderful stuff.. khanh was like disturbing me and like trying to drive me crazy by saying no to everything i asked her to do.. thankfully she did do what i asked her to do.. heh oh we watched superman on saturday evening at suntec.. cheese popcorn is nice.. anyone who thinks otherwise is quite the dooche. anyway that evening on sunday we went to eat steamboat.. and guess what khanh and my ate again? yeap u guessed it chicken rice.. along with the steamboat.. i was telling my mum that the vietnamese girls were like custom made for my father (who is hainanese) so as u can imagine he's like taking every opportunity to eat chicken rice while they're arnd..

then the next day (monday) i went to SAV to help out with the sentosa trip but not b4 meeting rachel to pass her face crayons..heh with the dislocated elbow i ended up lugging stuff arnd with my right arm which thankfully was my stronger arm.. anyway it was pretty fun.. heh the musical fountian has improved frm the last time i saw it.. at least now it had fire.. heh.. anyway the rest of the week was full of problems with my suppliers.. and the like.. heh but then again it was pretty ok la.. people tend to settle things fast i guess? heh.. anyway planned everything with caleb on thursday and we had the bbq for the vietnamese kids on friday..went to the doc in the morning for a checkup and they removed the support for my arm.. met crystal and went to church to do the youth notice board and prepare for the bbq.. it was there that i found out that my hard effort of writing 15 paragraphs for each and every person in Emerald was GONE wah lao. super irritating la..anyway din have time to redo cos i had to start preparing for the bbq so after running arnd like the nutcase i usually am and preparing stuff for them i must say that it went pretty well. with the slight problem of anger towards a certian situation on my part (this did not involve the vietnamese kids in anyway mind u) but then again its bad cos some of my cell members saw the anger and i think i scared them... nt too good if u ask me..

heh anyway found out that night that my and chi and linh and khanh wanted to go shopping and wanted me and nadine to come along so we had to ask our parents and such.. thus we ended up at bugis at a certian OG outlet walking along a seemingly endless supply of PINK dresses and PINK toys and PINK stuff.. yes.. i was going to break out in a rash.. then being their "secuity guard" type of person i had to make sure i cld see them at all times and stuff.. well khanh and my first.. then later when nadine's wards came.. goodness there were 5 of them and 2 of us.. had to constantly find one or the other.. and then i became their "shepherd" and their "porter" cos everytime they buy sth they're pass it off to me.. but ai yah nm la.. its their last full day in SG so i'll b nice.. or so i thot.. they ended up bringing me to the children's underwear sections and constantly teasing me with their digicam and stuff.. but nm.. endurance is the key.. then my mum saw me with all their shopping and guess what she said.. "derrick if you dont learn to stand up to girls now ur gona b bullied for the rest of ur life.." what do u think got me bullied from the start? ur right i TRIED to stand up to them.. goodness.. anyway.. im nt that sort.. i'd rather let them win and think they're in control.. at least i think thats what im doing.. for all i know they really are in control. then i'd b pretty dead..anwyay.. after that i went to nadine's hse with my mum, nadine, her mum and the whole group of girls in tow. nadine has a nice house it tell you.. and her dogs are super cute too.. heh i spent most of my time playing with her dogs.. cos basically they were watching confessions of a teenage drama queen and i really wasnt intrested in that show.. so i played with the dog.. let it nibble on me.. heh.. after that was dinner.. at hengler.. however u spell that place..heh ate lots.. was hungry mar.. anyway after that they came over to our hse for abit.. they saw my messy room.. and my hammock and stuff lidat.. then we went bowling.. or rather onli some of us.. was quite bad however cos like nadine's family looked realli bored and i kinda felt bad for just bowling while they felt bored..

anyway the next day my family went for e3.. first time for them i think.. at least for my parents.. and after that the vietnamese girls left for the airport.. quite sad.. cos i was just starting to know khanh and my.. they're a pretty fun bunch to be arnd.. then we went for JYM and during which we sang mighty to save and when i heard it i almost broke out in tears la.. i mean the stuff i've been going through.. on friday and everything that was going on arnd me.. the song really spoke to me.. oh and nadine played for the first time during JYM, the keyboard i mean.. she was soft bt frm what i heard. she was good too! good on ya nadine! she did well for her first tim! uncle richard gave the sermon and made a there was an altar call about wanting a hunger for God's word.. and then we grabbed a group of people arnd us and started to pray.. and i felt God really moving.. both Kenny and Darren prayed for refreshing and im glad la.. they're real great chaps.. heh anwyay it was good la.. and games was good too. my parents came and picked us up after that and then we went to the hosp to see my aunt.. plz pray for her aite? shes still in therapy and needs the grace of God.. shes doing well tho and i thank God for that.

went home and did my usual stuff and now im here.. heh on a monday with nth much to do.. ahh well.. its been a great two weeks and i hope God blesses the vietnam kids.. and i hope we showed them the love of God as well so they can take it back.. please pray for aunty felicia as well as she and her baby nathan they're in the hospital now.. but on friday as i was preparing for the bbq and recieved the msg.. i prayed for uncle Tard and his family.. and go John 14:27.. something that made me sure that she'd be ok.. and indeed her condition improved the next few days.. God is good! but please keep her in prayer.. as well as aunty Ruby.. pastor Terry's mum.. she went for an operation this morning and im nt sure what the outcome is yet but still pray for recovery? its very encouraging to hear that even while she was going through all that she was still able to minister God's goodness to her to everyone that she knew was a non-believer.. its so encouraging to hear la.. that even in the midst of all that was happening she was still able to proclaim that God is God and God is good.. well i think i better go now.. its been a long entry..

- grandpa rick out-

thus saith...

2006-07-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

no blogging for at least one week.. or at least till my arm getsbetter.... thus saith my dislocated elbow! haha!

-grandparick out-

uh-huh..

2006-06-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

hrm.. im nt sure why im posting again.. i dont usually post with such intense frequency.. bt heck la.. as i said in my last post.. i reali feel like im drifting frm alot of frens.. and yea.. mayb its cos i dont reali try to keep in contact.. bt also mayb its cos of me gettin more quiet at times.. i used to want to butt into alot of conversations and stuff just so i dont feel left out.. bt u noe when i did i always somehow felt left out.. always somehow felt that i wasnt reali meant to b in the convo and that people just let me join in cos its not like i hav anythin better to do.. bt yea.. i guess thats why i stopped joining in.. i mean whats the point rite? if i join or not.. its nt like it'll make much of a diff or anything.. so with this reasoning i realised that theres no pt and that me joining in on this will jus b like extra.. soo thats why i dont usually talk much now.. not unless i initiate the conversation la.. but ya..goodness me.. all this sick time i'm having is making me think alot.. and when ifinally cant think anymre..then i blog i guess or at least when i cant take it anymre.. hrm..anyway yea..so thats why i dont talk that much arnd people la.. dont wana butt into conversations anymre.. or at least im trying nt to..heh..den again i dont reali get why i tried to butt into conversations .. i mean beside the fact that i din wana feel left out.. mayb its cos i wanted attention eh? mayb.. or mayb its cos i wanted to try in my own way to sorta talk to the people.. mayb its cos i felt i was drifting frm the person? hrm.. i duno,, the human mind is a complicated thing.. but ai yah.. who am i to try and understand it.. heh i guess it may just be me trying to refuse all kinds of efforts by people tryint to keep in contact.. thinking that they're just doing it cos of pity or sth? heh .. this is where my pride comes into play again i guess.. bt ai yah.. why is my pride always comming into play at such funny times?? goodness me.. just wondering how many people know me for who i really am eh? mayb its cos i dont let them know.. dont want to show it.. for fear of like .. them not liking it?.. God please help me.. heh i onli know of like maybe 3 or at the most 5 people that know me for me.. somehow i feel God is trying to tell me that i shldnt fear people not liking me for who i am.. cos God loves me for who i am.. and why do i have to worry if others like me or not? why am i trying to please them when all i have to do is please God.. yea.. revelation while im blogging.. pretty cool stuff.. but yea.. i believe that im gona have to walk closer with God now.. closer then i am doing so.. if i say i really wana please God then i have to walk as close to God as i possibly can..i'll do that.. release all my burdens and troubles to him.

when ur feeling lost and alone
when u feel the world's harsh tone
you dont really know where to go
you fear that people hate you so
all the things you say and do
hoping to make the world see you
but you're covering up inside
and refuse to admit because of pride
and all your excuses and all your lies
while deep inside your heart cries
trying to find the deeper meaning
trying to ignore your own heart's screaming
always looking out for yourself
winning trophies to put on your shelf
wanting whats best for you alone
money and cars and the latest handphone
or maybe this girl or guy you see
thinking thats the girl or guy for me
but still your heart feels all so empty
burdened and tied down, and not free
you try and try to fill that hole
you try to stop the cries of your soul
your heart is confused and so are you
maybe you need more things better and new!
but no matter what you buy or do
even trying many a brew
it doesnt help, it doesnt matter
at the end of the day your friends all scatter
except for one or maybe two
the friends who which you hardly knew
but they care for you and share with you
the thing that changed their life anew
they tell you of a God that lives
and His life for you he freely gives
it was for you thats why He came
for you He died and rose again
when you heard this your heart felt peace
finally the much needed release
but you find it hard to move away
and by your other friends you get swayed
but finally after many a day
you realise theres no other way
your friends all left you down and out
you feel so angry you want to shout
but your two friends they come again
preaching the good news of Jesus' regin!
you know its true and you believe
never again will you decieve
yourself that things and material worth
be bigger than God's own birth
He sent his son to die for you
through torture and shame He went through
but He never complained and never whined
because He knew that someday its Him you'll find
He came and died for every sin
He came to cleanse you from within
everything you have said and done
for you God came and gave his Son
He knows all things that is to come
He knows the lies you told to your mum
yet He still forgives and forgets
and what He did He has no regrets
He came for you and knows your name
He has taken all your shame
He truely loves you for who you are
not for what your things or your car
finally you find you are free
cos Jesus Christ is Lord over thee

heh.. just came up with this.. and yea.. its partly my story i guess.. tho i dont have cars and stuff.. bt ya.. alot of it identifies with me.. cos well i guess tho no friends spoke to me about God and my parents brought me to church.. God still spoke to me through my friends.. and yea..i mean it was the fact that i knew God loved me for who i was that i really committed my life to him.. and what really struck me is that even through all i've done.. which really is alot.. God still loves me.. its so true that the closer you get to the cross the more your sins are obvious.. cos thats exactly what happened to me during the camp..anyone out there that reads this blog.. yea i may be an action freak or whatever..and maybe im not the best guy in the world that should be talking bout God and what i believe in..but im taking a stand here and tellin all that i believe in God and that He sent His son Jeses to come and die for all our sins and on the third day He rose again.. and i know for sure that God loves me and you know what? say what you want. anyway im finally getting better from the stomach flu.. finally able to start eating.. soo yea praise be to God for that..heh.. been having strange dreams lately too.. really strange dreams.. not sth i wld post up for all to read but yea.. strange.. stuff that changes how i look at certian people..in the good way i think.. hrm.. anyway its been quite a long post.. so yea.. im out..

-Lord i lift Your name on HIGH!-

time..

2006-06-27T02:52:00.000-07:00

u know there's this saying.. time changes, best friends can become strangers.. i never really believed it ya noe? i mean i have seen a few people drift and yea i dont reali keep in contact with my best friends from maris stella..bt still u noe u can just pick up the fone or meet them on the street and u can just start chatting away as though u havent spent so much time not seeing them.. ya noe? bt lately im starting to find this phrase getting more and more true.. i mean like.. people that i've been very very close to have suddenly felt so.. distant ya noe? baah mayb its me gettin more quiet cos i'm having less and less to say bt then again.. its nt like i dont keep in contact with these people.. they just.. well its just like we seem to have less and less to talk about.. and when i do talk it seems to always b on old topics or about stuff we already talked about and are just "reminding" each other about it.. and it seems to me that the other person doesnt reali want to talk about it.. so i just keep quiet.. mayb its cos i get tired of all the one line / one word answers.. or mayb its cos i just dont want to risk the person shrugging me off or sth.. hrm.. in any case it just seems so la.. and it kinda sucks..but heck what can i do about it rite? i duno la.. somehow i just wish that things wernt going the way they were la..for all those friendships.. i wonder.. how can u constantly keep in contact with these people but still drift.. it boggles me.. bt then again theres sth telling me at the back of me head rite now that its cos i dont talk as much as i used to.. hrm.. i guess thats it la.. i guess i hav to just look to the friendships i have now that dont seem to b drifting.. bt theres always this fear that they will drift.. den well i guess its the cruel cycle eh? hope not.. bt theres nth much i can do abt it.. jus gotta put my trust in God and trust that He will walk and lead me la.. this full time calling thing is well at least gettin me to take Him alot more seriously.. bt still sometimes i wonder if i am reali made of such stern stuff ya noe? feelings of in-adequacy..always gets hold of me.. sometimes i wonder la.. but what reali has me thinking is reali how can u b in contact for a good 6-7 years of ur life constantly and still drift so far..in some cases almost my whole life la.. goodness me.. its like some are a good few years and some are so much longer and still we drift.. used to b the best of friends even but den now.. ai yah.. nm God will make a way.. guess what me parents told me that i can never keep all my best friends are true..wish i cld tho.. guess its my fault to a certain extent.. as in cos i dont contact them as well..or nt very often la.. ai yah nm.. stomach flu is giving me too much time to think.. i cant eat AND drink anything cos ill jus puke it out within 15 mins.. which sucks.. cos im running on an empty stomach for like 2 days now..and my throats constantly dry means i gotta keep drinking and hold it in as long as possible b4 i throw up again.. goodness..ai yah im tired will sign off here.. Lord i lift your name on high!

new poem.. haha

2006-06-22T02:44:00.000-07:00

ok me and nadine were hard at work inflating kester's ego again.. soo we decided to come up with a poem for him.. its 4 lines each starting with me ending with nadine...enjoy! haha

kester is a ladies man
he attracts all girls like no guy can
guys all marvel at his skill
of attracting girls when he's standing still

though he keeps denying that he's hot
we can never tell what he thought
when all the girls said he was best
when i asked them so i could test

even the other guys in church
agrees hes not left in the lurch
cos he's so hot he'll never be
alone by himself for all to see

why does he keep denying it
kester, dont go into a fit
its a compliment that is so true
you shouldn't be feeling that so blue

cos kester ur hot why dont u see?
ur the honey and girls, they're bees
they swarm to you all through the year
a person like you should never fear

he sucks all girls like a strong magnet
to all girls he can connect
for he is one fine nice guy
and he doesnt even need to try

i must say that though he's short
his appeal to girls sure is not
if fact if we were to compare
of girls he'd have more than his share

when the street he walks down by
all the girls will swoon and sigh
they walk to him and say he's hot
not just one girl but a lot

jealous guys from everywhere
always walk by him and stare
why'd he have such attractive power
even when he doesnt shower

girls will find him quite a guy
cos around him they never feel shy
he even doesn't need to show off
he's always first and never fourth

of course he'll always be the first
cos after him the girls all thirst
always hoping to catch the sight
of kester kiong their mister right!

they love his cute manly name
kester kiong gets the fame
he's always asked to act in shows
making brad pitt his arch foe

but more even better is his mass appeal
he makes girls scream and even squeal
movies posters charts Galore
he could open his own store!

you'll see his face on every wall
no wall doesn't have his face at all
as he walks by girls scream his name
and those screaming girls you cannot tame

cos around him they all turn ape
they all stare at his manly shape
cos he works out for hours on end
and iron bars he's able to bend

his muscular arms that are oh so strong
attracts girls' stares for very long
he gets love letters all the time
one girl even sent him lime

the lime was not ordinary
inside it contained a cherry
and in the cherry a little note
a confession of love in it she wrote:

kester kiong you are so hot
hotter than a boiling pot
you are sweet as sweet can be
would you come over for some tea?

and after that mayb go out
for lunch and a little walk about
and dinner after that maybe
so i can show u that i love thee

how to reply? was what he thought
cos after all I am so hot
i've got lotsa choices over there
over here and everywhere

but then he thought nah im too young
and she doesnt speak my mother tongue
so i guess i wont go out with her
cos my mum wont allow me thats for sure

i'll wait till i am much older
than maybe i'd be much bolder
anyway im still in my prime
i've got lotsa, lotsa time

thus ends our tale of kester the hot
this guy is definately worth a shot
though if you try you may not succeed
cos it takes alot to win him indeed

i wonder the reaction we will get
by telling him this poem of yet
will he scream or burst out laughing?
we'll soon find out but now we know nothing

haha! i must say naydeen is very good at poetry. guess how long it took us to make this? not including the times i got disconnected or when we were afk it took us about 20 mins? sumwhere arnd there.. haha and i must say it is very funny! haha kester the HOT lol.. ok anyway thats enuf blogging for now.. mayb later..

ungodly hours..

2006-06-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

haa its like 2.42 now.. such an ungodly hour to be posting.. bt dun care la.. life's been good! eversince God has given me the call to go fulltime he's been speaking to me daily! heh.. he's like always there la and i can wake up in the morning genuinely happy for no reason at all! heh but its nice la =) i mean God is always there rite? heh ooh i watched the omen just nw.. its a well directed show and everything bt nt very scary.. no wonder its nt NC 16 or sth.. heh bt yea..it was cool! heh.. God rocks! He loves me and i love God! anyway on a different note.. been talking to miss "pouty face" naydeen for the past 2 hrs i think.. heh she's super fun to talk to la.. damn funny and random stuff.. the topic suddenly got to poetry and i decided to show her what i cld do.. den she stunned me with one of her own.. its good and cos its such a nice poem i shall post it here! heh..

also known as the great grandpa
derrick or rick is always on par
he brings great charm to all he knows
without the need to wear red bows
his insanity is what we love
though it may not be as calm as doves
he jumps and shouts and runs like mad
but he's great and loving and all that
with his laughs he makes girls smile
then the girls chase him a mile
i know he used to join choir
and by telling you that he's not a liar
though i've never actually heard him sing
i know a lovely charm it brings
he's a great guy, you should agree
the greatest guy as seen my me

although i dont agree with the chasing a mile part.. ai yah.. its nice la so thanks naydeen! heh.. its reali nice! =)

camp

2006-06-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

back from camp and updating after sooooo sooo long.. camp was great! if anything it brought me closer to God.. so much has happened in camp.. grew closer to Darren and Davin and Kester.. 3 great guys i tell u.. reali great..of course the camp wasnt without its hiccups but im glad it was cleared up pretty fast and well im glad la that it did. the sermons and everything was great.. i mean it meant alot to me.. most of them spoke to me in a pretty real way..especially the second night onwards.. they really made me think and i felt God speaking to me through all of them.. one thing i reali can learn frm it is that God wants You. like when pastor Clement said about him wanting to use Moses and what he had. that ordinary staff that he had.. that he wanted to use you and what you have.. it really spoke to me.. yea.. during camp as well.. i was called to serve full time.. i know i have.. God spoke to me and yea.. im very sure.. all the events for the past few years i finally realise it was leading up to this calling to serve Him full time.. and im glad.. i cldnt b happier..what better way to serve my King of kings? heh.. it hit me and made me realise finally what God meant when he i thought he told me be holy and set apart for him cos during the last day's worship i for some strange reason remembered it. then i felt God telling me that it was the reason why he spoke to me during the race camp telling me to be holy and set apart for him. im sure it was and im happy..

-grandpa rick out-

ahh im back

2006-05-29T04:58:00.000-07:00

well its been pretty hectic the past few weeks..those of you frm church wld know.. so much work..then people refuse to do work so i have to do it..stuff lidat.. but at least thru it all God had me in his hand.. i just din know that.. i went thru this realli dry period without him..where i cldnt feel him and my heart just refused to draw close to him no matter how much my mind wanted to.. thank God for friday's bible study and prayer meeting.. pastor henry helped me realise that Sin and Holiness cannot be in my heart at the same time.. i mean of course i knew what.. but it just never occured to me that there was that much sin in my heart.. my pride.. God helped me deal with it thankfully.. and now im walking with him again.. i dont ever want to go through a dry period like i did again man.. it was so bad.. i mean like.. everytime i want to slp this huge void would come and torment me.. this huge sinking feeling in my heart.. but God restored me.. and he made me realise that my pride has been getting in the way of his plan for me.. i had to change and he helped me to.. i am so thankful for that.. he even spoke to me on saturday night..he wants to start a revival in JYM.. so fellow JYMers.. take time to pray and put God first.. yesterday he told me that i shld start with my cellgrp i want to.. i pray God helps me to.. heh anyway God has been really good to me.. and my aunt as well.. please pray for her.. she's still in the hospital after gettin knocked down by the car.. anyway i know everything will be alright cos God has a plan for her and His greatest glory will be shown through this situation.. God is good all the time.. He has restored me and my broken heart..and made me whole again.. i thank Him for that.. anyway new links up! Yi ann - John pang and naydeen and phoebe.. aite im off i guess.. plz cont to pray for my aunt and for JYM as well.. God is moving and doing his work..be a part of it!

so far..

2006-04-12T08:05:00.001-07:00

i tell you some people just dont know how far they are pushing it.. if that person pisses me off u all better pray that God saves him cos i certianly dont think i can stop myself.. people that know who im talkin abt u shld know..bt dont tell any1..anyway been quite ok the past few days.. sunday was ok i guess by standards..my family's been gettin better..esp my sister..had a great talk with her on sunday and yea..guys.. please cut her some slack aite? she's tryin 2 change and its hard..i know.. so yea try nt to disturb her if the urge hits u aite? anyway monday and tuesday was spent at me grandma's hse! heh well i visited her la.. went to buy matzah on tuesday as well..bt yea..had lotsa exercise cos i ran to her hse and back.. hrm..what else.. nth i can think of..today! ahh today was great fun! went to buy rubber lures and hooks and lines with my uncle.. heh im tying hooks nw as im typin too..i tell u this hook tying is hard work man.. super stressful on the hands..need lotsa finger strength bt yea.. its nice la..esp after u finish a hook and see how well tied it is..heh.. hrm ok after buying the lures and hook and what not i met rachel at heeren and we went to eat loads and loads of chocolate! i mean lots.. so much so that we felt sick after that.. den we walked arnd looking at notebooks and comics and stuff..haa its fun cos we kept talkin n laughin n stuff..lol uh.. what else? urm...went to buy CDs..fallout boy is nice..haa i like the titles of their songs man..super funny..haa..hrm..nth else to say la.. lol.. its been a pretty ok week i guess? fun at some parts and boring at others.. heh i love me grand ma man..she's super cool la.. fiesty old lady..lol tried to disturb her abit and she actually was able to not get tricked and came up with some witty comments of her own! very cool! lol.. anyway i've gt nth mre to blog abt.. bloggin nw cos i needa break frm tying hooks.. haa ok back to tying hooks and listening to fallout boy..cya all arnd God rocks!

- Grandpa rick out-

hrm..past week

2006-04-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

ok i will now attempt to remember what happened during the past week.. ok.. heres wad happened..on monday i went out with kenny for my first mentoring session with him..talked lots with him and stuff and yea..i have a great feeling about this..heh as in i think this mentor thingy is gona work out pretty good.. heh we're able to talk alot and easily la thats y.. at least i think so la.. plus we're very much alike..heh.. dat i guess is what makes it so cool..God's gona do alot of good thru kenny man..i can feel it..i've seen him grow so much in the past few years..i just know that God is shaping him to b a great tool for his great glory..anyway we shared quite abit and stuff and yea i think it'll work out good.. heh met him at yishun and ate at long john's..i tell u that place has the most used captian's bell thingy.. in bout the hour we were there i heard it ring like 5-6 times man..over entu people..haha.. ok uh..tuesday..slacked at home quite abit den went to pool with rachel..got trashed again..wah lao.. i tell u im gettin realli outa touch man.. heh i mus remember to mention this since the last time i din.. she's prone to toe cramps! haha so we ended up gettin "salted" again.. heh only this time it was popcorn chicken at KFC.. heh wednesday was a slack day for me man.. stayed home the whole day playing GTA..or at least started on it again.. thursday was my first mentoring session with darren and the apocraphy thingy..heh fell aslp during the first half of the talk..too tired la.. duno why..feelin quite drained these few days..mentoring with darren was good too..heh i can feel that God's gona do alot of work in him..i feel that he's the 1 thats gona bring his parents and family to God along with his brother. yea.. great stuff..hrm..friday! one of the best days of the week man..nt cos its the last sch day of the week cos i HAVE NO SCHOOL NOW.. but cos i went fishing with my uncle..heh went for like 3 hours and caught 6 fishes! wah super cool la.. the excitement that u get when u get a bite and strike the fish and the thrill of reeling the fish in is un-matched man! i tell u its like poison..super fun! and 6 is quite a good haul.. it was great! heh.. anyway today..uh..woke up and went to take a look at my renovating house..its good..heh almost done alr.. and it looks great! heh in bout a few weeks we're moving back in..den went for lunch and den off to meet kenny for our second mentoring session..bt we went to crescent fun-fair thingy..heh disturbed sarah abit.. met dawn and lisa..haa havent seen lisa in a damn long time la..bt she hasnt changed one bit.. still as blur and clueless as ever..haha den we ate 3 cheese hotdogs each and uh..cant rem wad else we did la..bt we did go on sum ride that went round and round.. kenny opened a box of tic-tacs on the ride and u guessed it la.. it flew like crazy..emptied the box in like 1 round.. haha anyway the ride threw me arnd so much and i got like huge ass bruises on both my arms la..wah lao..paid 7 bucks to get injured.. if i wanted to get injured i'd rather purposely get into a fight la..at least dunid to pay and still can have mre fun..lol..sure get hit at least once la..unless they are like the 5 people that tried to gang on me in outram park underpass..lol..super stupid.. anyway after that i went queensway and met joel and jeremy and bought shirts..den home to eat and now im back here after 2 games of dota..overall a fun week and yea.. God has been with me .. love the feeling of having him close each and every day.. oh..here's the thot of the week..it came back to me while i was thinking..for those of u that have heard my testimonial b4 u will know this..
-thought of the week-
You are nothing but a small speck of nothingness in this entire universe that God has created..BUT yet God loves you enough to CREATE YOU and know you by name..

yea think about it.. he created you and knows you by name when he easily cld have din bother.. now how can u say he doesnt care for u huh? think..

-grandpa rick out-

wonky plans..

2006-03-23T04:18:00.000-08:00

hrm lets see.. i brought rachel out for her birthday yest..planned to bring her to escape theme park to relive her childhood.. or what she missed out frm her childhood ( i din know la) we got to pasir ris mrt and ate swensens near there bt when we went to the themepark lo and behold..they are closed on weekdays.. open on sat and sundays..so we walked in pasir ris park to find bicycles and cldnt find any so we ended up on a buncha stones stoning and talking.. heh it was fun.tho it din go according to plan.. went back to swensens and ate loads of ice cream.. well not loads la.. jus ice cream..bt still nice.. yeap.. we talked alot on the train to aljunid bout stuff dat happened to us.. hrm..den in aljunid she went for band prac and i went back home to collect her "pigs" and yea when i gave it to her..she was well..shocked la.. haa ohh they were hamsters..2 of em..one whitish fat one and one darkish thinner one.. heh ask her what she named the whitish one.. haa.. anyway it was fun la.. sent her home and we talked loads more.. heh overall a fun day even tho the plans were wonky.. felt kinda bad it din go according to plan tho..bt aiyah.. it still turned out alrite so yeap! was nice! anyway been really cool lately.. as in life and all..yea God has shown himself to me alot.. and yea.. its been great..jus enjoying him speaking to me ya noe? bt ya sumtimes its hard to face up to what he tells u.cos ur in so much self denial.. and u jus havta face up to it..but yea.. i think its good la..helps me change.. oh yea! the Sentosa stayover thingy we had.. it was super fun! heh alot of the younger ones came (where are all u older people man) anyway yea we had a great time of bonding..and i dare say that every1 that went for it knows each other better yes? heh.. nt sure bout them la bt they all seemed to b enjoying themselves.. and yea im glad.. hope they really had fun of course..anyway its been great..and im still praying for my Hebron.. my goal of getting the whole of JYM serious about God and by being serious.. impact their families and bring them to Christ..and mending all the broken relationships.. yea its my dream.. my hebron.. and yea.. i believe it will happen.. God will make it happen..

-Grandpa rick out-

ignite

2006-03-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

well its been real great..nth much's been happening lately..gotta praise God for one thingtho..i passed my exams! esp cos i passed finance.. yea God really is good.. since i failed it last year, i never thot i cld pass it.. bt thank God he gave me the strength to finish the paper and to remember what was taught and what i learnt.. i ven managed to pull my grade point average to 1.85 whcih means a C+ i think..frm a jus passing D grade pulled to a C+ is all thanks to God.. esp since all the works and projects that i put effort in din really get the grade for the projects, well its good la.. i really thank God for all my results.. then i went for the ignite confrence the last few days., its been really refreshing. i mean like.. its super ncie ..i actually went there not expecting anything..bt came back learning alot more and strengthening my faith. i caught on to a vision there and yea.. im really currently praying for it to come through.. cos on the second night, we were taught that we were childs of God and we shld stop asking for small things and ask for tings that has been promised to us. things that are big.. our schools, our nations and our families.. and i did ask.. i believe it will happen and im gona pray everyday until it does.. God really has taught me alot through this confrence.. i mean its like so refreshing to go to a confrence like this and come out changed and refreshed again..as i have learnt there.. its a shame to go and get touched so strongly by God but not come out changed and still go back to your old way of life.. its really a sad thing.. and i dont wana go back to the same way of living.. im gona have faith and im gona take the step of faith out.. i believe that our youth can see miracles and big things happen as long as they believe and have faith in Him.. our Lord God almighty.. yea.. i believe that..
- Grandpa rock out-

friday

2006-02-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

yesterday was fun! heh tho i got trashed by rachel in pool 10-5... yes 10-5.. im super lousy la..to think i taught her. nw she'll b the 1 teaching me.. heh anyway yea it was super fun..den we went to get salted..which wld mean we went to macdonalds to eat french fries doused in so much salt that the tuppleware taste thus get salted.. anyway we we're talking and laughing n stuff which was super fun la..den hitched a ride in john's (rachel's fren) car to clementi..heard the song "lift up your eyes" for the first time and got it stuck in my head..den went to church.. well went to buy drinks la.. 10 bottles of 7up ice plus 1 bottle of orange concentrate..carrying it to church aggrivated my shoulder injury bt nm la.. it'll heal... cant let it drop off dats all.. hrm dinner was good. bt i din eat alot.. den went for my first connect mtg..which was damn cool..and helped to celebrate brenda's birthday..gave her a cake with sparklers and asked her to blow them out.. ya she actually tried..lol! hrm den went home.. went online and got "lift up your eyes" from rachel and adrian..so i have two copies..bt its so nice that i dont care! heh did QT and prayed..den yea..God used me..in a way i never thought i wld be used in.. its like sth dat u read about or hear other people tell you about. but when it happens to you its totally new..such a marvelous feeling that all i can say is its worth it and GLORY TO GOD! - grandpa rick out-

To my God!

2006-02-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

through my darkest lonely days
when in my heart is where sin stays
through all the hurt and all the sorrow
when i didnt know about tomorrow
though the times i couldnt go on
through the days that i just mourn
though the times i fought with You
and all the hurt i've put You through
through all the times i've dis-obeyed
through all the times i should have prayed
when all i ever felt was dread
and when that feeling seemed to spread
when my life was such a mess
and it was all that You detest
when i sang You were my king
but i didn't mean what i sing
when all i ever did was lie
and all the times i wanted to die
and though i have put You to shame
i am not the one You blame
You never did give up on me
You never would in all eternity
how unworthy i am of such grace
i don't deserve this in the first place
oh the extent of Your mercy divine
unworthy i am to call it mine
for what i've done isn't at all mild
but still You call me Your child
how undeserving i am of Thee
oh my Lord my king my majesty!
for me You died to save my life
for me did You go throgh all that strife
for me to say that i am free
was because You died just for me
this love You have that knows no bounds
this love that cleanses and astounds
its Your love that saved the mankind
its Your love that i will shine
for You are my one and only king
and from the depths of my heart will i sing
that You will always be my saviour
and forever will i seek Your favor
for You were the only perfect one
for us did You send Your son
i thank You Lord for forgiving me
for opening my eyes for me to see
that my sins You have washed away
and in my heart is where You stay
and i welcome Thee Lord into my heart
and into its innermost secret parts
where You will reign over my life
which i give You as a sacrifice
forever Yours to keep and use
in whatever way that You may choose
my God forever You remain
and of my God i have no shame
i will love You all my days
and i will follow in Your ways
for You forgave me of everything
and forever of Your love i will sing
and so to the earth i will declare
of Your love and i will share
Your word to everyone i know
and Your love to them i will show
and finally to the world i shout
I LOVE MY GOD AND THERE'S NO DOUBT

right.

2006-02-20T04:54:00.000-08:00

ok new blog template is up..heh modified abit but other den dat taken from blogskins.com i think..saw it and thot..hrm dat looks like a cool template..and the song all for love came to mind thus the song..thanks to Joel for teaching me how to upload the song..this template is here to stay till i can find macromedia dreamweaver and create my own template..yea..anyway its been quite a hectic few weeks since my last post..or at least after my last post there was alot of work.. and i can tell you this for sure that i wouldnt have been able to survive the week before last week if it wernt for God.. He pulled me through..and all glory goes to Him.. God ROCKS! yea.. anyway..its really been a blessing to have God pull me through the week before last.. He showed me alot of things..one of which is to really just trust him..believe me..when 2 of your grp mates quit school and you have so much work you cant sleep cos you still have so much work to do.. when its 3am in the morning and sch the "next day" is the day you have to hand in your project and you're only half done.. you HAVE to trust God..put it all in His hands..it was days liddis that taught me how to trust God..at 3am when i cant think properly..and just give up and lie on my bed..thinking how impossible it is for me to finish a project thats due that very day and at the same time catch up on your sleep cos i have only slept so far 3 hours in the past 4 days including that one..when suddenly a still small voice says..I am your God..if i am here with you, you have nothing to fear.. nothing is impossible..it revives me..and praise the Lord i was able to work and finish the project..other times when i felt tired and had to work overnight as well..no sleep for 2 days and such..He pulled me through.. He is wonderful! i really wana praise His name for bringing me through everything.. God is good! hey here's encouragement to all you people who are in need of hope.. God is there for you..He is always there waiting.. u jus gotta let Him in to help..or as Glenn told me.. you gotta let him in daily to do the cleaning in your life..i guess its true..den your life can shine for Jesus! well lately as in the past few days though enjoyable..esp today since i went to play pool and won a few times! i still have been plagued by this feeling of impending doom..as i mentioned at the start..it refuses to go away and i guess i really gotta trust God..and well lately i've been gettin quite easily irritated..i duno la..i think its cos of the stuff happening arnd me..some people already know what..others dont..and i'd like to leave it that way.. ask me if u need to know.. anyway its been tough and ya..i can only put my hope in God now..God help me to grow in trust with you.. help me to daily walk in your ways as i follow you.. thank you God..

hrm..

2006-02-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

hrm..i posted sth..they said it was published.. and its not there..dang.. ah well..anyway alot of stuf has been happening lately..piled under lots of work and stuff.. but its ok la.. i guess.. i have however been having this feeling of impending doom.. jus that i dont know what it is about..its quite bad too..like this heavy feeling in my heart but i dont know what it is about.. i guess God is trying to teach me sth here..i guess i have to trust in God. especially in certian things.. all things actually. but especially in things i struggle with. yea.. i want God to show me His plans for me. God please take me and make me who You want me to be. It doesnt matter what i go through as long as i go through it for You. help me realise when it is You that is prompting me and when it is myself. help me God. i guess i have to realise that He has the best planned out for me. the best..not sth that is ok or good for me..the best for me.. If our earthly fathers who are sinners know to give good to us..what more our Heavenly Father right? i know its not exactly correct the wording but yea..its the gist of it..i have to trust Him in all things..

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are

i really need to trust God now. especially with this feeling of impending doom that i still have with me..maybe its cos of my workload. or maybe its cos of certian struggles i have.. but in all things i have to trust God. He is my God, Alpha and Omega. i will trust Him. sometimes faith is hard. but God is above it all. God have Your way in me. Lord take me and make me to what You want me to be. Help me understand my purpose and what You can do through me. You want the best for me and i will trust You. help me God. I love You. help me really not care what people says about me and help me live my life for You. take all of me and make me who You want me to be. fufill Your plan in me and may my life be a living testiment to You. may my words and my actions bring You the greatest glory. use me Lord.

- You were the Victor and the King You were the power in David's swing You were the calm in Abraham You are the God who understands You are the strength when we have none You are the living, Holy one You were, You are and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God -

of late

2006-01-14T05:07:00.000-08:00

ok havent been on blogger much..well..im abit sian right now..cos nth to do..lately there's been this huge rush of work to be done on my part..esp for tourism and other things..the new IR is taking up alot of time man..but its fun la..planning your own pleasure place.. kinda like how you would want to plan your dream home..only its like your dream hotel/funplace/shopping center/ everything la.. bars pubs and stuff..im in charge of the casino and bars section.. haha but so far its going ok la..my role as a cell leader officially starts tomorrow.. i pray that God helps me.. i mean i duno how patient or impatient i can be.. and now its like.. i cant lose my temper.. well thank God that he's helped me through that quite some time ago..tho at times it does come out.. but i gotta be more understanding.. i pray God helps me..and i pray he helps me reach out to the more quieter ones it'll b difficult cos i think they are intimidated by me.. i think..jus hope they will open up la.. pray.. God please help me.. i'll need it.. not by my strength but by yours.. more of YOU and less of me..

youth leader's retreat and the new year

2006-01-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

well its the new year again..bt first lemme blog bout the youth leader's retreat..well firstly i had fun..i mean who wouldnt right? with all the leaders there and such..plus i got to cook breakfast! haha green eggs! anyway had fun la..tho we had long meetings and such..bt the sessions were good..esp the one with aunty Carol.. i mean shes really sum1 on fire for God.. can really see that and the thing is that she's nt afraid to admit her shortcommings to people even if its us youth. she's sum1 that i really see as brave and everything i mean like..its hard for me even to admit to adults and such that are there to counsel me and such..she's admitting it to the youth.. people that she's supposed to b teaching..if its hard to admit stuff to people in authority how much harder is it to admit stuff like that to people that u are supposed to be teaching? ouch.. it really spoke loads to me.. and also the part of moment by moment obedience.. i guess thats wad its really all about eh? den during the delegations i got delegated the part of a cell leader..yeap.. i guess its good bt i am worried bout my temper and such..i mean like what if i cant take it frm sum1 and lose it..i mean i know God has helped me manage my temper quite abit..bt still..yea..i jus pray that i will be able to reach out to them the quieter ones..and those that are put in my grp that basically need a friend and sum1 to help open them up.. i pray God helps me to..cos there's so many people in JYM whose life needs to be touched..who needs God to come and walk with them and guide them..i just pray and hope God uses me to touch and guide them.

take this heart O God and work Your wonders
form the depths of my soul and its inner most place
to the physical body, the feet and my face
for You are alpha and omega, beginning and end
my fortress, shelter, comforter and friend
for not by my strength but by Yours
change me and mold me, all in your course
for no longer will i change by my strength alone
but by letting You change me, giving You my throne
for the king over my life You are
over everything i have, both near and far
always depending and looking to Thee
for it is Your truth that sets me free!
i thank thee Lord, for changing me
for helping me be who You want me to be
in all this i pray that this will come true
that there will be less of me and more of You

heh wow! i jus wrote that all of a sudden.. God ROCKS! haha just suddenly felt like writing that.. wonderful stuff! haha oh speaking of which, during one of the days of the retreat was inspired to write this lil thing for him as well! waha ok here goes

the world is in turmoil
but satan's plans we'll foil
a war against him we have declared
our God with us we're not scared
we intercede for our people we pray for his grace
that one day we'll meet in His dwelling place
in the presence of the most high
and with one voice our hearts will cry
we give Him all honour and glory
and our mouths will tell the story
of how He came and died for us
and how in Him we've come to trust
never again will we bow down
to other gods and kings and crowns
for we have found where we belong
and forever we'll sing His songs
He is our strength and our Lord
our redeemer our reward
nothing we give is sacrifice
for what we give is of no price
compared to Him our God our all
what we give compared is small
and forever i will sing His praise
forever covered by His grace
in His presence overflowing
in the presence of the all knowing
humbled in His very presence
all that i can do is bow
and open up my mouth and worship Him now
pledging to Him my obedience all
trusting He'll never let me fall
for He is my God and my rock
and i dont care how much they mock
i will sing to Him with everything
all my praises to Him i bring!
oh Lord please take my broken heart
please Lord mend it part by part
for blessed be Thy name oh Godfor Your word is my spiritual swordand evermore my heart will sing
forever praising my heavenly king!

there havent had time to name it yet.. bt ah well..haha anyway since im on the topic i think i better transfer all my older poems here b4 my old blog is deleted.. just in case...

lock me up n throw away the key
let the world know not of what happens to me
i've caused so much hurt and so much pain
in the end all to no1's gain
the things i've done are unforgivable
and my apologies unacceptable
never again will i see
the great world as it used 2 be
this time i've done something worse
this hurt i've caused only myself i curse
the road in my life is always rough
and the pain i feel is never enough
the people i've hurt and lies i've told
i now see with their letters in bold
i thot it would b long b4 i've known
the fruits of the seeds that i have sown
this great pain i feel inside
is all thanks to my sense of pride
my fist pound the door in rage
like a angered beast in it's cage
had i known i'd cause such pain
the way i did things wouldn't haf been the same
now i don't know what to do
cos i know my chance i blew
sumtimes i dunno wad ppl see
in such a loser guy like me
i can't even go sumtime without
hurtin the ppl i care about
i dunno the reason for my life
the reason i go thru all dis strife
all i do is bring hurt and tears
through dis whole life and all my years
this is y i made this wish of mine
that no1 will ever b hurt again in my lifetime

bleh..a sad old poem i got fr m my blog.. i guess this 1 was a way of expressing my anger and grief .. but thank God he took me through this troubled time..

did you know?

did u noe wen ur alone
wen ur cold n chilled 2 the bone
there is always sum1 there
sum1 dat will always care
He watches over all u do
till the dae ur life is through
He carries u through all ur fears
and comforts u in times of tears
did u noe dat wen u cry
or wen u say "i wanna die"
in His heart He feels ur pain
He feels ur hurt and feels ur strain
He forgives u fer all u've done
He forgave u frm day one
so when u think dat life ain't fair
u can reach Him thru a simple prayer
He will help u thru it all
thru all problems big or small
the world is harsh dat's wad they say
but all we gotta do is pray
by ur side is where He'll be
i noe cos He's there for me

wow..this is turnin out to be a really long post..hope my comp doesnt erase everything.. haha well this 1 speaks for itself i think..now on to the next one

purposei ask the reason for my birth
i ask what my life is worth
i tink about it night and day
i ask this question when i pray
in my life my hurts and pains
all my losts and all my gain
severything that i have done
many in the name of fun
right now at thhis point in time
the answer i seek is still nt mine
but i hope that i will find
the answer to my question in mind
and i will serve Him everyday
because in my heart is where He stays
for when my purpose in life He shows
onli den will i ever know

ahh i remember this 1... i got it during serve.. as in i thought of it while i was going through serve! a great programme that was..Hsin Qin's going there this year! haha i think he's gona enjoy it!

my life

Hurt and alone
my heart like stone
heavy burden on my chest
so much so i get no rest
all my problems i can't share
cos the world doesn't seem to care
they don't care that i am crying
they all think that i am lying
they all say that i ain't good
and it hurts to b misunderstood
i sit in my corner and i cry
my heart feeling empty and dry
sometimes i feel that i haf no worth
and ask the reason for my birth
one day someone said to me
that someone could set me free
he told me Jesus was the way
and in my heart Jesus would stay
Jesus took me and he changed me
and made me the best that i could be
i love him more and more each day
because i know that he is the way
so take this little piece of advice
believe in Jesus it's real nice
he will always walk beside you
till the day your life is through

haha i remember this 1 too..i was really feel super down when i was writing this den suddenly i got inspired to write sth bout God and so the rest of the poem went on to testify bout God praise His name! cos i remember feeling super good after i completed the poem!

as the nite falls still and shadows loom
i sit here thinking in my room
i sit and think of the bad things i've done
and i regret almost each and every one
i now noe it is far too late
and it's proberbly me they hate
i wish dat time i could turn back
and improve in the places i lack
to control this beast i have in me
to keep it hidden for none to see
i know now that i can't hide
from the reality i have inside
to learn supress is not the key
if i try it will control me
to learn to control is what i must do
but such an uphill battle it is too
but soon i will slay the beast
and then at least i will haf peace
only time will tell if i will win
my battle over this evil sin
so now i am gonna take my leave
and win this beast with 1 final heave
and when i do u all will know
for in my face the results will show

ahh this 1 was when i was going through as many of u may have guessed a personal struggle with anger and hatred.. i'd say God helped me alot through this 1..again all praise to God cos he changed me..i din change but he changed me..yeap! and that was the last poem frm my old blog..long long post this is gona b.. wonder if any of u guys will read.. haha anyway after looking through all my posts its finally done..all my poems are safe..in this blog anyway..haha so yea..new year was great as well..went to me cousins birthday party! haha bt on the 31th went to COA for their coffeeshop night..gotta say that it was good ! yea.. they really got talented people there! and God really is very much a part of the lives in the church members there..can see it..see their love for God and everything..Praise be to God! yea..its all GOOD! haha aite.. happy new year every1! have a great 2006! and God bless!

christmas

2005-12-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

christmas was nice..tho my bank account now reads 5.25 but it was good..presents i bought for every1 was worth it..heh if u din get anything chances are ur presents are still with me or..dat u'll get sth next year..haha well thanks to every1 that got me stuff..liked all of it and especially wana thank God for showing me more of himself this year and showing me how much of a blessing he has given me..through all my friends and family..i never really stopped to think abt it bt yea..i am really blessed..hrmm..i jus had the idea that i will write sth for each person that has touched me this year.. duno if they'll read it or not.. bt yea..here goes.. k fine i know im copying this outa countless blogs bt dun care la..this is my blog..live with it haha oh..this is in no way a position thing..so ya every1's equal..haha

Ivan Chan
hey bro thanks for everything..i dare say ur one of those people in church that knows me very well. you've been there for me thru quite alot..esp those times when i was feeling really dry and stuff im proud to have you as a friend. i can see your love for God not just through your words but also your actions, like how you grow stronger in the lord even tho your in the army, cos they say the army is a huge test for christians and how you try to reach out to those that are quieter and stuff in JYM..its great to know that i can come to you if i need advice on anything..well almost anything la..bt its just good to know that i can share my ups and downs with you..its something that really means alot to me..thanks bro.. God will use you for his purpose, i know he will. remember that..respect brother you have mine.

Joel Pang
sup man..you've been a real blessing to me..heh we've been friends for how long man..super long la..and i have seen you grow in the Lord. its great to see it man..especially your patience with everything its something that i dont think i will have for a very long time. seeing you serve in the comm and everything as well..it really encourages me. i think ur the 1 that knows the most stuff bout me..haha in short one of my best friends la.. you've been a real blessing. thanks for all the advice and such dat u gave me when i came to you for it. you've been there for me thru everything that i needed support in..be it relationship probs or family probs. haha you always make me laugh too man..all the super funny stuff we did all these years were super fun la.. pipe bombs and fireworks and everything! DOTA and night cycling as well. thanks for your patience with me as well bro.. i know sometimes i can b quite a pain to have arnd but u dont mind it all the same. well if u did u certianly didnt show it la..God will use you man..i know he will.. thanks.. you have my respect..all of it..once again thanks for being there and for being such a blessing.

Jeremy Yap
yo! you have been a real blessing to me too man..always making me laugh and seing you serve in JYM and everything..haha one of my best friends as well..crapping with you and everything has always been fun..there's never a dull moment when your around.. haha your uncanny sense to say something funny at the right time always gets me laughing..its really great haha. D2 and DOTA and naruto and stuff as well..super fun talking to you la..haha its been great knowing you and stuff thanks respect to you brother.

Kenny Khairon
sup bro.. really got to know you alot more this year, tho we were pretty good friends before, this year i really got to know you alot better, haha another one of my best friends.. haha been great both crapping with you and talking serious stuff wif u man.. love your hair-do too..haha i better love it la.. i paid for it.. haha anyway you know i support ur decision concerning your studies and you know why as well rite? so dun worry bout it..dun wana sound like im naggin bt yea work hard aite? thanks for being a blessing, and thanks for being someone i can talk to bout serious stuff as well as being there for me thru the hardest time of the year for me..respect bro.

Joyce Teo
hellO! hrm..i dare say i know you well enough la.. at least i know your spot! haha and well tho it din work out btw us i really hope we can still stay friends.. you have been a blessing to me..really, seeing you when you worship and everything really encourages me.. thanks for being a blessing to me..i think you know alot about me too la..thanks..for just being my friend.

Kristen Kiong
hello! haha tak halal ! ok la..i really thot you would like the shirt la.. we're finally not calling your tak halal cos of the shirt and den you dont wana wear it.. so sad.. haha anyway thanks for being someone i can talk to..yea its been real great having you as a friend..haha seeing you serving and worshipping God and taking all the teasing from us good naturedly its real great la.. can see God working in you thru the things you do. its really encouraging. relax more aite? you seem very stressed this time of the year.. learn to relax and let it go..haha and great knowing your..respect.

Collin Kam
haha the oldest of the Kam brothers and the self proclaimed cool dude eh? haha you've been a real blessing to me man.. seeing your heart and attitude of serving and worship really amazes me.. can tell that your a man after God's heart. haha and you have grown alot in Christ.. comparing you frm the time i was an even greater pain that i am now..which is about uh..4-5 years? haha you're alot more patient and your life is alot more God centered..can see that God is in you dude..haha and you're super funny as well la..different kinda funny frm kenny or jeremy but still funny.. haha been great DOTAing with you too! thanks again for being a friend.. i know God will use you to touch others man..respect!

Ryan Kam
ahh the second of the Kam brothers, a real man after God's heart as well, seeing you grow into the man of God you are now really confirms to me that God is in control of everything..cos yea seeing you grow up in Christ really is an amazing thing..all the examples from everyday life you gave JYM during the prayer meetings and your sermons..its really shows me how much and how high a priority you set God in your life. we all face struggles in our life and im glad that you come out of each one of those struggles a stronger and better man for God, he will use you to touch the hearts and lives of many others as he has used you to touch mine.. you've been a real blessing to me..respect brother..

Lawerence Kam
the littlest Kam brother with a GIANT spirit and fire for God..heh this fire for God thing seems to run well in your family eh? haha thanks for your present and the remade version of it! haha you're a real blessing to have around JYM man..your attitude of worship during worship and energy during games is something that we need around..you're pretty funny too..haha well i find alot of people funny la but still its good right? anyway you've been a real blessing to me at least..you remind me of the young me..just dat ur not a pain.. and you're a whole lot more mature then i was haha well dont mind the pokes at your height la..you'll grow..just like ur brothers did..yeap! anyway its good to see you on fire for God at such a young age..it encourages me..respect bro!

Jia Yin AKA CARINA MARIA MATT BTE SAYUTI...
yea haha hellO! its been fun having you as a friend..i know i have been disturbing you alot la..bt thanks for taking it good naturedly..haha you've been a good friend actually.. thanks..talking to you has always been fun..haha tho i only know u for bout maybe close to two years? yea..arnd there la..but can tell dat you love God..continue to love him aite? oh ya..and lawerence too! (sorry lawerence i cldnt help myself) haha anyway thanks for just being a friend and talking to me when im bored..i think you've helped me on 1 or 2 occasions as well..thanks! rock on!

Denise
hrm..you've been real fun to have as a friend! haha ever since i got to know you properly at the FOP i realised dat ur real chatty..haha at first i thot ur quiet..very quiet..bt ur chatty..haha anyway thanks for being a friend and for talking to me when im bored.. hrm..yea ur a fun person to talk to la..easy to trick as well..haha but still fun..haha you've been a blessing just by being a friend..as most of my friends are..bt yea..its been great knowing you

Kester Kiong
haha the smaller kiong..literally! (sorry kristen) haha seeing you mature in the past year has been real encouraging..heh ur a funny dude..but stop immitating chandler! haha no la do what u want..bt yea.. i realise that out of all the p6s i can talk to u the easiest.. its pretty cool! and its not just the dumb stuff we talk abt..there's sum serious stuff as well! haha and its been great having you as a friend..thanks so much for being mine..and ur right la..the scandal between you and the other person is usually her fault la.. haha Oh wait.. haha anyway thanks for being a blessing to me..really appreciate it..respect little man..

Brenda Goh
MEI! haha known u since i was little...its been a real real real long time! and yea..you have always been a blessing to me..heh i remember we used to talk about alot of stuff..tho we're abit bz nw and stuff its good to know that i can rely on you when i needa talk to sum1..yea..you've been there for me thru everything this year..both good and bad..and yea thanks for never judging me even when i know i should be..thanks for keeping my secrets and thanks for just being my mei..it really means alot to me and i appreciate it.. come to think of it you've been there for me thru almost everything that happened during the past few years..thanks! its good to know that ur there for me..thanks..heh sumtimes i wonder who's the older 1..cos u seem alot more mature then i am..thanks for all the advice and everything..and also for bearing with me thru alot of the nonsense stuff i do..thanks sis..really appreciate it..respect to you!

Caleb Chua
Caleb! known u for quite a long time alr..thanks for being the guy that at times keep me in check and makes sure i dont go too far with my crazy ideas..i know at times we dont really agree on stuff but i know dat u mean good and dat u got my back..thanks brother.. i think to a certian extent you taught me how to control my temper better..cos seeing as to how you control yours really encourages me to keep mine in check..you a whole lot more mature den me too and i thank God for letting me have you as a friend. He has a great plan for you..as he has for all of us and i know he will use you for his kingdom..

Rachel Ang
hello you pig! haha i think i really got to know you alot better this year..yea..thanks for being there for me when i was going thru a time where i thot no1 else was there..you've been a real blessing to me this year..really had loads of fun with you and stuff..puddle water and the like ya noe? haha its really fun chatting with you bout nonsensical stuff or bout serious stuff..heh you do give good advice! and i still maintain that you hitting me with the sweet caused it to bend..bleh! anyway thanks for being such a fun and funny friend to talk to and sum1 that i can turn to when i have problems and basically just be myself with. its through friends like you that God shows me how much he blesses me.. its real great..yea..thanks for sharing the tough times with me and for listening to me complain alot once again..it really means alot to me.. God will work through you to touch many lives.. i know it..haha thanks again for being a great friend to me..respect!

Hui Juan
Juan! stupid person..whole day call me paedophile..haha anyway just wana thank you for being a friend and for giving me advice too..haha tho we din really talk alot this year, when i had problems you were there to give me advice and everything and in the end it did turn out ok! heh thanks for listening to my problems and for helping me with most of them..its really nice to know that i have a friend like you..funny and stuff yet able to give good advice..thanks for being such a blessing..

Charissa
haha sry i dont know ur surname.. anyway i've only known you for like a few months but you've been real fun to talk to on msn! haha well cant say i really know u la bt u seem like a fun person..haha yea..ya told me that i can talk to u n stuff when im i need sum1 to talk to and yeap i really appreciate it..thanks for being a friend!

Glenn Chan
hey bro! doubt you'll read this la..actually i doubt most of them will but still you've been a great encouragement to me..seeing you serve and worship God has always been an encouragement..in response to your christmas card..yea i hope there will be a partnership..heh it'll b great working with you..thanks for the many times you've prayed for me..thanks for always giving me the word of God that i needed to hear.. its been a huge blessing having you as a friend and i thank God for giving me such a great friend like you. respect

Aik Ang
hey sis! you've been a blessing la..tho we dont really talk alot, seeing you worship is sth dat really encourages me..heh you've been a great blessing to me and thanks for praying for me on the last night of camp. i pray that you'll grow stronger in the lord and that you and your sister will be the start of your whole family turning to God and being strong for God.

Yi Ann
hey its a real blessing to see you grow so much in the lord in the short time during and after the camp..seeing your child-like faith in God is a good thing..may you continue to grow in the lord and may others see Christ in you.. 1 tim 4:12 do not let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in peace in love in life in faith and in purity..may you be a blessing to everyone around you..thanks for being a blessing as a friend.

Si Yu
cha siew pao! haha mei ar..thanks for being such a blessing to me..its really encouraging seeing you grow so much in the Lord..seeing you serve in the main service ushering and also coordinating the ushers and everything..shows me ur commitment to God and your love for him.. cos like you do it in-spite of having school commitments and ballet commitments and everything.. its really a blessing to see you serve and to have you as my mei..thanks for being a blessing.. and tho we havent talked alot this year i know that ur there when i need you..thanks mei..really thanks!

Janelle Ho
hrm..well i guess you've been a blessing thru the way you've been a friend..haha seeing as to how u stand up for jia yin and everything..yea haha kinda like me when my friends are disturbed..its a good thing la.. and yea you have been a blessing lidat i guess..heh tho we dont really talk alot its quite fun when we do..so yea rock on aite?

Sarah Ho
small girl! haha ok well thanks for being sucha nice person..yea..glad dat i cld get to know u alot better this year..yea..its been real nice having u as a fren cos like its super fun to just crap with u over the msn and stuff..haha always having funny arguements..and also cos u like green! haha anyway its great having u as a fren and everything..you've been a real blessing to me just by being a friend that i can talk to and be myself with..yea..respect!

Gabriel Sim
yo bro! haha we've been on the same grp quite a few times alr..and i must say that its never dull with you in the group! haha n its super funny la the way you do things.. bt yea.. its great to have you as a friend la..you cheer me up alot on sundays that i dont feel like doing anything..haha thanks for being such a great friend! respect!

Addy Sim
haha just got to know you but u've still been a blessing.. haha all the bleach and everything is nice to talk abt and well entertaining..cos Urahara rocks..haha its been real fun knowing you and talking to you when im bored and stuff..haha thanks for being a good friend! heh its really cool to have you as one..

Kaimin
hey bro..just wana thank you for being there for me to talk to and everything when im feeling down..as i said i realise how much God has blessed me and everything cos of my friends and im proud to have you as one. its really great to see that tho you have army and everything you still make time to come to JYM and everything..and yea tho ur not done with the army yet its great to see that you're growing stronger in the lord even with the pressures of the army.. you've been a real blessing and encouragement dude..thanks for being a great friend. rock on bro!

yea thats bout it..will update if i think of other people but yea..thanks to everyone of these people for being such a blessing as friends to me.. i can see how God really cares for me by giving me friends like these..my respect to all of them..to me, they all deserve it and i thank God for each and everyone of them..as i said this is gona be a very long post so bear with me.. i think not many people are gona b reading by this time so yea..i'll type a song that always brings me close to tears..

All of my days

Proclaim Your awesome power
Tell of mighty deeds
Declare Your future kingdom
Of everlasting peace

And my eyes they look unto You always
And I am captured by Your Majesty

All of my days I will sing of Your greatness
All of my days I will speak of Your grace
All of my days I will tell of Your wonderous love
Your love in my life
Your love...

All Your works will praise You
Your children bless Your name
We speak of all Your goodness
We walk in fields of grace

And my eyes they look unto You always
And I am captured by Your Majesty

All of my days I will sing of Your greatness
All of my days I will speak of Your grace
All of my days I will tell of Your wonderous love
Your love in my life
Your love...

i love that song..the first time i heard "and my eyes they look unto you always and i am captured by your majesty" i was so close to tears..i had to choke them back..God bless you all..God is good!

camp

2005-12-06T22:17:00.001-08:00

back frm camp! heh ok fine i took awhile to update this but yea..camp was good..made alot of good frens..me grp rocked! heh..and somehow i became known as grandpa rick..fine it was a self appointed name bt suddenly every1 knew..also my funky smile and wave has caught on to many ppl..i think..haha anyway camp was good la..cld really feel God there..and could hear his voice! love the feeling man..really rocks..the last night esp! God was there..really..heh..my heart was overjoyed to feel his presence again..to be touched by him once again. .its like feeling his presence just coursing thru my veins.. through every part of my body..just feeling his love envalope me..was a wonderful feeling..just being close again to God.. wait..have i already said that? ai yah dun care say it again! heh..i know he's here and will protect me thru everything. everything has a reason for happening..it will all work out for his glory. everything, good and bad. ok..other stuff that happened in camp..uh.. kin peng got 100 second wedgied! den the next dae he got wedgied (although not as long) four times again! haha thanks to yours truely..well haha not to mention his underwear tore..i tink..i heard the tear sound. heh den wad else ar.. OH! i got Gabrielle to smile! haha well..she refuse to smile thru most of the camp so when i tink it deserves mention nw dat i got her to smile! heh..ok i duno wad else to type.. uh.. stanley, marcus lim and kin peng were great fun! haha games comm was fuN! uh..WAYNE has HOLY HAIR.. will not explain u gotta ask him or me or kenny or any1 in the comm..uh.. kester and joycelyn were teased as usual during the camp and now i think their whole grp and more..i.e. people of bus 5 on the day we were going dragon boating and people on bus 3 on the day we were going for community work know about their SCANDALOUS relationship..heh..ok what else..uh..Darren is going crazy calling people darling and trying to kiss them..he shld watch it..wait sum1 wack him for trying to kiss them..hahaha. uh..nt sure what else la.. i tink dats it for now..update more later..

2005-12-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

hardest things to do

2005-11-02T03:04:00.001-08:00

well i think alot of you know what happened on sunday..and yes i think u know it was hard too..and it gets harder..but God is my strength..my portion and deliverer. my very present help in times of need. its from a song we are all familliar with..and i have to look to him more and more..it will get worse..that im sure of but my God is for me and my conscience and heart are both clear before my lord God. i guess i've not been seeking him all these time..but it does feel good to start again. i wonder who reads this actually..but i guess its good that few people do..maybe..cos then my thoughts are kept only to a few..but yea..i have learnt to accept that not everyone will believe that this decision was for God..but i do really want to worship God the way i always used to..with pride and a willingness to serve..not because i have to but because i want to..u noe? yea..so if anyone doesnt believe me..who am i to tell them to? in the same way..i am not answerable to them but to my God almighty. im not saying that if people dont believe me i wont be affected by them not trusting me..but im saying that through God's strength that i will pull through. it may take an instant or the next 30 years or even the rest of my life..i dont care cos i will find my peace in the lord. uncle Tard told me a thought he had once..give him an open field, a sleeping bag and God..and because God is there with him, he will be able to live there the rest of his life. in the same way. even if this takes the rest of my life to clear this up i will not dispair and find my peace in the lord. because i believe that God is in control and that he is with me, i will pull through it because and only because God is with me.

PSLAMS 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

and that is how i know God is always with me.

on a different note, my birthday passed un-eventfully with a few wishes frm Ivan Joel Jeremy Joyce Kristen Rachel Sarah(tho it came late but cant blame la she was in aussie) Kaimin Dawn Darren and Lisa..hope i din miss out any1..well of course my family..at least my mum wished me..heh..oh if i did miss out sum1 drop me a msg and i'll add u in..heh went to Sentosa for games dry run yest..got burnt quite badly..got dragon fruited and bananaed and alot of other things la..the strange thing is that i cant feel the pain of my burns unless sth scraped against it..u can touch the skin with no problem but u just cant drag ur finger over it..heh..anyway i found out that sunburnt skin is hotter than skin that has not been burnt..for example the sunburnt skin on my back is alot hotter than the skin on my stomach that has not been burnt..yeap..Sentosa was fun yesterday..now im not so white as well..im red! heh..ok dats all for now..

sup

2005-10-14T05:38:00.001-07:00

as u all can see, i dont post regularly but ah well..been quite sum time..lots have happened..struggling everyday of my life..but that's a different story i guess..been real bored.. reading darwin awards lately.. a collection of how stupid people kill themselves or remove themselves from the genepool.. i.e. stupidly lose their reproductive organs..haha..anyway its really cool..go to darwinawards.com if u have the chance to..its really super funny.. i will attach a few of my favourites further down..well anyway failed my finals and took a retest which im confident of failing..yes u heard me FAILING im quite sure i'll fail. sucks man.. anyway went night cycling again! damn fun! 9 people went joel jeremy collin kenny radius caleb pastor henry jesse and me. cycled for over 20 km. for details visit brimspark.blogspot.com im lazy to type here. been doing alot of stuff lately..looking for job, slacking, running arnd, slacking..did i mention slacking? yea..i've been quite down lately..duno y la..guess its all that is goin on arnd me..lotsa stress. mother's on a nagathon..brother expects me to do everything, wah lao..guess that explains why im at such a lost la..ah well.. grandma called jus nw..she's damn nice la..made my dae...well she always does..she's such a nice person la..she practiclly has to take care of my grand aunt, my grandfather, my little cousin. she told me that she buys breakfast for them everymorn (my grand aunt, grand father, cousin, my uncle and aunt and the maid). she goes alone too.. and she doesnt complain..great women i tell u..duno wad i'd do without her..i'd prolly b more havok then i am now la..hahaa! i love my grand mother! ok dats all i have to write for now. as promised, i'll put my favorite stories frm darwin awards.

Gerbil Rocket

(1997 - 1998) "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to save the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard toilet paper tube up his rectum and slipped Ragout, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had reached nirvana, so to speak. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he simply would not come out, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman desribed what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal methane gas in Kiki's colon. Flames shot out the tube, ignited Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, causing it to scurry further up Kiki's colon, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the cardboard tube like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Sadly, Ragout the gerbil did not survive the incident.

super funny la! ok another 1

Mad Trombonist

(August 1998, Uruguay) In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Symphonica Maya de Uruguay, decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during a performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert.
In complete disregard of common sense, he dropped a large lit firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask of bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."
However Paolo was not to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was he qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise the horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to lift the bell of the horn high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra. What happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our own delirious moments of divine inspiration.
First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind and viola section, where it bypassed the players and rammed straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him backwards off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first row, and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the third row and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased geometrically, adding to the overall commotion of cannons and brass playing the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography notwithstanding, Paolo Esperanza's Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to Paolo, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet reakshon!" This comes as no surprise, for Paolo was about to become a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way for the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like the hand of fate, burning his lips and face and knocking him mercifully unconscious.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down the middle, turning it inside out while propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. For the grand finale, as Paolo fell to the ground, his limp hands lost their grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases to propel the slide like a golden spear into the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him senseless.
The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch this!" you'd better duck!

alrite another 1!!

Racoon Rocket

(1998) In rural Carbon County, Pennsylvania, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim. Despite an estimated 35 shots fired by the group, the animal escaped into a 3' diameter drainage pipe 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire five-gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to light it again, to no avail.
Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly-expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.
"It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."

stupid guy! haha

alrite a last 1.. i know the past 3 were about flying things so im gona post 1 that is not! haa ok heres the last 1

Bizzare Death

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

haha! ok all stories are taken from www.darwinawards.com and they are super funny! haha

life

2005-09-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

well its been awhile again since i blogged..haha been really ok n all since its after my exams..haha cm's mother's fish porridge..hahaa anyway, went night cycling on friday with kenny n joel..well sat mornin at 2 am.. haha was quite fun! haha wanted to go bukit brown cemetry but as we got there it started to rain heavily so we sought shelter in the bus stop. when we got to the bus stop, it got lighter. so we tried to cross the road and go into the cemetry and jus as we were about to it started to rain heavily again.. wah lao.. had to rush back to the bus stopand wait..bt when we got to the bus stop it stopped again!! arrgh...we decided to cross the road and decide frm there, so we did we crossed the road and headed for the bus stop and it rained again... the rain got lighter so we tried to go into the cemetry and when we did that, this lightning bolt flashed across they sky..okkkk so we decided to abort and go to macs at KAP. and as we were riding to KAP there was no rain la! wah...shld jus have gone in man.. &^%$*@#! anyway nth much's been happening..went for serve alumni dinner yest..haha caught up with that mama HQ .. basket...he's still the same..haha crazy 1..haha yea other den dat.. nth much la..jus happy exams are over! haha

revelation

2005-08-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

ok here's the first post in over a mth...man dis blog is dead..wonder who even visits it anymore.. haha anyway..its been quite a good month to me..besides the stress of projects that were pileing up deadlines to meet..wah..super crazy deadlines man! can die! 1 week hand in mktg and the next week hand in HRM..wah almost died la! anyway other den dat i've had really good frens come up and support me wen i was stressed out! haha many thanks to Joel for creating DOTA games cos wifout them i'd prolly be dead or sth frm stress..thanx to Joyce for crappin wif me over the fone and smsing me to destress me! yeap yeap! she's good to crap over the fone with! im serious! haha Rachel as well for smsing n msning to destressing me. Ivan for the concern and entertainment durin sundays..haha oh ya..IVAN'S SUCH A GREAT GUY! HE'S A GREAT CATCH FOR ALL GIRLS OF ALL AGES! I REPEAT ALL AGES! EVEN P6 GIRLS! YEA EVERY1 U HEARD ME! HES A REAL NICE GUY WITH A GREAT HEART!!! yea..i've been advertising for him since he's such a nice guy but still single.. poor guy..the curfew must b a hindrence no? haha anyway on with the thanx..uh..lets see.. Charissa n Jiaxiu for chatting on msn too..if no1 to bug me while i doing work im sure to die of boredom so ya its good really if nt i tink i wun b able to produce proper work cos i'll b repeating it or get frustrated wif me work..haha good distractions.. oh and of course the most important guy arnd.. God! yea he's the 1 that helped me thru everything..wonderful stuff he's done in my life! to God be the glory! everytime i tink i cant meet a deadline he's there to help me thru it so yea! Praise God!!! anyway the most recent thing on my mind is of course revelations! it was great! im mean really GREAT! SO GREAT!!!!!yea he's an awsome God! anyway! micacle happened at the music practice on friday night! haha i was hanging up the banners for the main event when i fell off the ladder and sprained me ankle.. was pretty bad..bt when the music prac started and they sang the song FREE it was so jumpy and i was so caught up in praising God dat i started to jump along with Kenny..i was jumping with one foot..den i suddenly realised after awhile that i was jumping with the other foot as well! and the thing is IT DIDN'T HURT ONE BIT! PRAISE GOD! haha the part when i realised i was jumping with my sprained ankle was the verse "would you believe if i said that God can make miracles happen today!" haha so appropriate rite? haha..den there was revelations the next day..at first the worship prac was abit funny..it was like there was an air of frustration or restlessness arnd dat cldn't b lifted..i duno it cld b me..ask the people at the practice la..den John was doing PA so i din haf nethin to do..so i jus prayed and went down..frm wad i heard the prac got better so yea THANK GOD! then the real revelations started and it was good! great from start to finish! could really feel God's presence there refreshing everyone! was really encouraged when i saw some of the younger ones jump even when the people arnd them did not..now that takes courage! pastor Barry was good! he really knows how to put jokes into the sermon and how to relate those jokes to the sermon! haha rare quality! yea then the altar call..at first there was no1 going up..den 1..den 2 den more..praise God! as i said in a few posts back..all it takes is 1 person to step foreward in faith..yea...all in all im glad God made revelations happen and im glad God made everything good! he really was working.. i cld feel it..Praise God! To God be the GLORY!

ahem...

2005-07-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

okok..here's to clarify everything about my post..im jus damn frustrated dat my life seems lik everythin's goin wrng..it seems dat every1 is against me..bt the people that are making me frustrated and everything is mainly my sch ppl and my siblings cos they're the 1s dat are takin they're anger out on me..jus cos of my past mistakes and cos they tink they can walk all over me..yea..its not any1 else..only them..i jus wrote what i wrote out of frustration..im sry to all that thot i was pointing them out..yea..it was all targeted at them...

I'VE HAD IT!!!!!!

2005-07-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

it seems that all i seem to do now adays is turning up on me..i cant even seem to make people happy for cryin out loud..am i really that bad? is it me or is it something on my face or maybe on my body or sth dat no1 likes huh? dat makes every1 not like me?!?!?! dammit la..like everything i do is never good 1..in sch or at home..everywhere la! every1 la! past mistakes are always comming back to haunt me.. last sem din go for 1 single tutorial den makes every1 think im a slacker la?! everywhere i go i have to watch out for people doing this or that shit cos in the end it may come back to me..as always la..im like a favourite target or something..when people like school mates or like my brother or sister are not happy the first person they take their anger out on is me..i go to them and ask if they're ok and the first words i hear are SHUT UP LA! tell them to calm down and think thru things and the first thing i hear is them shouting at me I ALREADY THOUGHT THROUGH IT LA! SHUT UP LA! im like they're punching bag la..not happy can just scold me..nm 1..derrick's always there for me to just vent all my anger and frustrations on..i can get angry at him jus cos i had a bad day and he wont shout back..wth la..forget it..im too worked up to care about all this shit anymore.. to the WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE...IF YOU WANT TO SHOUT AND SCOLD ME AND VENT ALL YOUR FRUSTRATIONS ON ME AND GET ANGRY AT ME FOR NO REASON JUST GO AHEAD AND DO IT!!!! I DONT CARE ANYMORE JUS SHOUT AND SCOLD AND VENT AWAY COS IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE LIKE MY SCH MATES AND FAMILY LOVE TO DO IT ANYWAY SO WHY DONT YOU JOIN IN THE FUN AND VENT ON ME AS WELL?!?!?! GO AHEAD LA!!! MAYBE THATS LIKE THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN DO RIGHT IN THIS WORLD LA GO AHEAD AND VENT LA I DONT GIVE A CRAP ANYMORE DAMMIT!!

thots

2005-06-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

haven been updating fer a long time eh? well..dis week was fun..haha din do much..went to sch alot bt went to watch blackman..i mean batman on wednesday and went to david's party on thurs..it was real fun! haha played the drinking goggles game..was super funny cos we kept saboing ourselves while trying to sabo others..haha the food was great too! and david was a great host! making sure we all ate and were laughing and happy..heh..he's a great guy la..hrm..letz see..a certian nagger seems to like to make me a seal...haha ah well...hrm...after the camp nth much happened la..well maeb sth..me n kenny invented a game called stone..in *ahem* honour of stone himself..well its basically a game where we do what stone does best..right kenny? haha ok been havin great worship in church the past two weeks..really something i was looking for..hrm..oh! obsessions 05.. it was great..real nice..the rappers were good bt uh..well i cldnt hear much..maeb cept the part that they kept repeating..haha there was dis real 'on' guy there dat kept jumping and screaming too..haha! looked lik my former classmate..i wonder if its him..ah well bless him..haha..oh yea..been tinking alot lately too and dun u realise dat all it takes is 1 small step or gesture of faith and everythine will follow..or 1 small step for God..in obsessions, all it took was for dis 1 girl (who was definately younger den me btw) to take a step forward and every1 started pouring forward..all she did was take 1 step forward..1 step...kinda makes u tink doesn't it? well it made me tink..what if we wernt afraid..lik dat girl..she din care if no1 went up with her..she din care if she was alone..she jus walked..what if..maeb i shldnt b the 1 saein all this cos its nt lik im nt scared..i am..im admiting it now..sumtimes i get courageous enough to share bt most of the time..all i do is keep quiet..well im nt the kind dat wun speak up if u start to insult my God..i'd speak up alright..bt u wun usually see me sharing my faith either..im quite ashamed to say it la..bt ya..bt what if..what if we dare to go out and pray over people..dare to believe that the power of God will convict them and show them that He loves them? do we dare to start? do we dare to take that 1 step of faith for him? i duno la..im askin God for more courage n stuff..bt yea..im still scared i guess..ah well..signing off! haha the words are still in my mind..jus 1 step...1 step of faith..

camp

2005-06-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

ok...i know its a bit late..bt ya..haha been reali tinking n stuff la..ok anyway..went late for camp..cos i had poly..bt nt b4 going to beachroad to buy a camel bag and havin horrible ice kachang there as well..anyway..went to church abit early with joel..went to buy soup...well we din get a chance to drink bt...ai yah cant blame us la..we tht hotel sure got hot water..in the end it din..anyway...the camp was fun la..and the drive up there wasn't dat bad..was quite fast anyway so i din need to feel so uncomfortable..i duno la..its wierd sitting in sum1 else's parents car without that sum1 in the car itself..the fact that i din noe her parents at all din help 1 bit..bahh..maeb im wierd..yes i can almost see all the eyes rolling and people muttering "u mean now den u realise?" or "wow at last he admits it". anyway..the first dae wasnt much la..all i did was go there get assigned to my tent and uh...den i ate.. ya! correct...steamboat! haha din eat much tho..i noe its kinda a surprise bt its cos i let my seat up to quite a few of them..in the end i had to stand n get food for people dat were sitting.. anyway i din get much to eat bt i managed to make the soup tastier..haha at least dat's wad most people say la..cept ivan chan..cos he cant stand hot stuff.. i duno how people can live without chilli la...1 meal without chilli is almost impossible for me..well cept certian kinda foods..anyway...ya...dat nite my appitite was satiated with ramli burgers! haha i had like 4? haha den my stomach felt bloated..bt like half an hr after that it growled again...i feel like my stomach's a bottomless pit or sth la...anyway..in the morning stomach growled...alot! haha so went to haf nasi lemak for brekkie..ended up eating rice with my chilli...and the chilli was like jus pure blachan la! totally horrible..cos i expected there to be sugar in that chilli...anyway i finished it and went for seconds..typical me rite? haha anyway..after that went mountian climbing..was smart enuf to bring my first aid kit..haha the climb up there wasnt so bad..lotsa leeches...shld haf brought 1 back wit me bt they din like to stick to me..jus suck and go..so unloyal..haha..had plastic bag fried lunch at the top of the mountin our food leaked well not leaked..the styrofoam packing burst so it all went into the plastic bag...i carred my camel bag, people's waterbottles n lunch up...and the trash down..haha ok anyway on the way up apparently this huge leech bit dis p girl's heel.( sry la cant rem the name) ya n there was so much blood..her socks were practically wet with blood...the wound jus wldnt stop bleeding..i cleaned it with antiseptic and put a plaster over it bt in lik 4 mins the plaster was soaked right through..so i had to re-clean the wound and put gauze over it..bt that fell out cos the plaster i used to hold the gauze in place came loose..ended up usin sum super absorbant cotton like thing..haha..and in the end it stopped..anyway i din rem the walk down being so long...went rafting after that..and accidentlly cut weiying's hand wif me knife while i was cutting the raft apart..yea..went to bathe and kenny threw his shoe on my head..-_-" ya..after that we were told to pack our stuff cos we were goin to the resort..den that incident happened..i dont wana talk abt it anymore bt all i can say is that i wish people would listen first before jumping into conclusions..dammit..yea..din feel like eating after that..felt damn bad la..so went to my room and hang arnd..later joel n ivan joined me and den uncle tard.. he's a great guy..reali great guy! yea..we talked thins thru and everythin..n yea i did feel kinda ok after that..haha we talked straight thru the campfireand such and after that..we went for a debrief with durians and den dumped instructors into the pool..hm...after that we went to bathe..and uh..yea..after that we went to kenny's room to play blackjack betting pushups...kenny wasnt there bt we still played..ended up doing over 200 pushups..den i had to do more..wld haf done much more if uncle tard, joel and stone din help..(try doing 2oo pushups den doing like 50 more..can die!) haha either that or they wanted the game to continue faster..since i was takin so long to do the pushups..haha anyway, i ended up oweing them all 300+ pushups cos the stupid cards decided to give me a 5 card bust on the last game so i had to double every1's pushups..well after that alot of them wanted to sleep..so me joel n some of the p6 gals and 1 p6 guy and jason decided to go to our room..as we were walkin out, we saw kenny! haha i got closer to kenny durin this camp..haha anyway he came along and in our room, ivan was already there and while we started to play the animal game, kenny decided to stink up my toilet..so our forefeit was that any1 that lost had to go into the toilet after kenny was done and bear with the smell until the next person loses..i tink the p6 guy got it the most..anyway..after that we played the story game..ivan and joel decided to sleep bt we din want him to so we decided..well I decided to make him the topic of the story..haha dat forced him to stay awake cos he wanted to hear what happened to him..haha anyway the p6s took to the game quite well, laughing and comming up with some pretty original ideas..some..well alot of them got high..haha cos for them it was the first time dat all of them had stayed up to so late..haha..amatures..ahha anyway, we played till 4am+ and decided to call it a nite..uh morning! haha i din feel good abt the girls walking back to their rooms by themselves so i decided dat me n kenny would follow them. its lucky we did cos a room that 3 of the girls were supposed to be staying in was locked..so we got them all back to my room and i got them to all rest on my bed..which was the single bed while we tried to wake ivan and joel up so that they could move to kenny's room cos we cldn't let the girls sleep in a guy's room rite? but by that time they were both sleeping and snoring like two sloths in comas..AND like sloths in comas, they refused to budge or move! so we had to go over to kenny's room and move a larger body or bodies of mass over namely stone, michael, kester and issac. i had to carry kester to my room cos he like a minature sloth in a coma refused to wake up..he decided to be half awake on the way to my room tho..haha i carried him like how i would carry a sleeping baby (lucky i had practice on uncle tard's son azra (im not sure if thats how u spell the name la) the night befre) anyway we sorta had a convo dat went sth lidis
Kes: where are we going?
Me: to my room a few doors down
Kes: oh! u mean derrick's room?
me: yes..derrick's room..do you know dat im derrick?
Kes: no you're not!...huh? you are? oh.. ok...
me: yeap i am..haha
kes: huh? who are you?!
me: ?!?!?! .....

haha yea it went something like that.. anyway after moving all of them into my room i ushered all the girls into kenny's room and took the 2 matteresses from the now girl's room and put them in my room so the guys cld sleep..i cldn't help tinkin how unfair it was tho..i mean..9 guys have to squeeze and sleep in 1 room while the three girls had a room all to themselves..1 king size bed and a single bed..haha bt i figured..ai yah! we're guys we can stand a little discomfort..so i went back to my room with the matteresses..layed it out on the floor and got every1 settled down..kester and stone had by that time alr stolen my single bed..nt dat it mattered la cos i planned to giv it to the younger ones alr..cos its their first camp n all stone shld haf let kester sleep with michael bt i dun reali blame him la..he looked so..uh stoned (no pun intended) dat i tink if i had told him the toilet bowl was a bed he would haf slept on it..haha issac had a matteress all to himself and dat left me n kenny n jason and michael to the two matteresses i brought back and two blankets..i was sleeping nex closest to the aircon and michael kept taking the blanket away so i had to force myself to sleep in the cold..bahh..i hate cold! anyway i slept la..nex morning we had some exercise and my head started to spin and ache..mainly cos of that incident i dun wana talk abt..felt damn bad la..anyway it was so bad dat i wasnt able to eat breakfast. so i went to my room to sleep..i slept so much dat i skipped service..uncle tard came to check on me n stuff..he's reali a great guy i have to say once again..after that, we packed and we went to the assembly area and there we found out why the three girl's room was locked..apparently weiying who was in charge of that room went to sleep in brenda's room and locked the door to her room and forgot to tell the girls..haha dun blame her for that either la..it happenes..yea..took photos and went on the bus where we played more story and animal games..haha stopped for lunch which was actually quite nice! haha we had to buy our own water tho cos they gave us some herbal drink dat we din reali like...haha me and ivan went down to get our drinks wen some p6s jus came and took our water..haha so we ordered more and paid for it all and after that took the bus home, all the time playing more animal games..haha played till we reached church and frm there we..or i stoned till my parents came..haha dats all for camp! haha my migrane lasted for a few days after that tho..painful..